How not get angry and resentful

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers

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amother

Mintgreen

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m sacrificing by working so I can pay for his food, clothing, roof over his head etc then I’m taking care of him the rest of the time

You're not sacrificing, it's what you live for. You're doing this because you love him.

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:40 pm

amother DarkCyan wrote:

OP, I see this all the time with first time moms.
You attribute older actions to younger children

Your child isn’t hurting you because they want to see you hurt. I also have a 2.5 year old (very speech delayed so can act much younger) and I have had many toddlers

They hurt for attention. That’s it! My toddler loves to hurt me more if I respond “no hurting mommy!” He just wants my reaction and attention

This is something that just gets amplified as they get older and it never ever goes away, but try giving positive attention! That means, ignore or silently address bad behavior, and give a lot of attention to good behavior

When they are older, they may need some attention for bad behavior, but never ever can you take it personally. Ever!!

Toddlers don’t think like that! I find my kids only start to think “I want to hurt mommy because I’m feeling hurt and she hurt me” once they reach around 7/8 years old.

Before that, they are not hurting you to “get you”

And always keep in mind, no child is ever acting up for no reason! It’s very reasonable that you don’t need to give him attention 24/7, or while your cooking supper. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it, and he knows that the way to get your attention is by hurting you. “Yay! Mommy stopped cooking, she’s looking at me/ yelling at me/interacting with me!”
You don’t need to give home attention all the time, just realize that’s why he’s doing it

he gets more than enough attention and if he is hurting me and others because he wants attention 100% of the time to the extent that I can’t make dinner or go to the bathroom or take a bite to eat then he’s that makes me feel resentful and shouldn’t be happening

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:41 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

Is a baby crying mistreatment? Curious how you decide when the behavior is mistreatment.
Why is the kid hitting so triggering to you?

a child crying is not causing me physical pain. A child purposely stamping on my bare toes is mistreatment and I don’t deserve that

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 6:43 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

It does. No one said no consequences.
We’re questioning why the consequence is the mom hitting back.

what consequences would you suggest that’s effective and doesn’t involve hitting. I’m not a hitter bit gifted mom posts are resonating very strongly

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:01 pm

amother Stone wrote:

You must have giant toddlers if they can hurt you that much. My toddlers are babies. They’re cute, mischievous, funny, unpredictable and messy. They’re not little monsters.

my child is a tiny. He does not stop hurting, but he is small.

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:02 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Sounds exactly like my 2 year old. He isn't "selfish", he's a baby! Of course the world revolves around him. You are his world. He feels safe with you, he wants you to feel how he feels. Being physical is always a red line for me though. If he hurts, I say no hitting and put him in his crib for 2 minutes. If he continues, he goes back. When he's calm, he puts a bandaid on Mommy's boo boo. It rarely happens only because he knows I'm so consistent.

do you not find that it creates issues with bedtime tim though that he views crib as a punishment

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:02 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

You're not sacrificing, it's what you live for. You're doing this because you love him.

of course I love him bits it’s still a sacrifice

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:03 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Have you ever been pinched really hard or had an object slammed into your head with force? A toddler doesn’t need to be giant to do that.

wow are you me?

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:04 pm

gootlfriends wrote:

Is this child able to communicate? I found my less verbal kids acted out more. Tantrums and hitting were defense mechanisms. I ignore hitting unless it really hurts or I demonstrate gentle behavior. Hitting children accomplishes nothing.

yes is extremely verbal. Very advanced in speech actually

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:05 pm

giftedmom wrote:

1. Not everyone who abuses is abusive
2. I tried the redirecting, I also tried the empathy, they gleefully did it again. Such a powerful feeling to make mommy sad. So much fun.

I do know the difference between hitting from frustration and deliberately hurting to get your way

right I have tried so many gentle methods, and he just gleefully does it again . Nothing is working.

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:07 pm

amother Stone wrote:

Um, pinched by a toddler? Seriously? Just open their grasp and redirect. Are you toddlers that strong? Hit with an object? Just take away the object.

Do you hit your toddlers with objects? Pinch them?

r try aka away the object and then they just take another object. Open their hand and redirect ok. And then 5 minutes later rinse and repeat. Been there done that

amother

Cornsilk

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:08 pm

This might come across harsh because I am going to be very direct & blunt....so I apologize in advance in the interest of helping you, these are my observations & questions...

He seems to want your attention.

Can you evaluate whether you are cut out for motherhood?

Or are you the type that's better off having help raise the kids and you having a work life outside the home?

How emotionally present are you?

How much do you feel like you rather be left alone?

How much are you distracting yourself on your phone and that type of thing?

Lots of people with trauma of their own have this type of issue.

He didn't ask to be born. Children need nurturing to thrive.

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:08 pm

amother Navy wrote:

Of course I have but 2 year olds are not deliberate. I guarantee they dont know this is wooden so if I hit with this then it will hurt my mother very bad

maybe they don’t know that but it still hurts and they do it repeatedly I get hurt repeatedly. How can I get them to stop? Ok so take away the blocks so he can I’ll take a chair and shove it at me or take a book and slam it on my head. There’s always an available object

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:10 pm

amother Cornsilk wrote:

what the hell? I did not use my phone in his presence at all. My child misbehaves so I must be a bad mother. Wow just wow.

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:32 pm

amother DarkCyan wrote:

Yes yes yes
I’m assuming the ones who say toddlers can’t hurt that much have little Princess girls
My rambunctious boys can reallllllly hurt me.
But hitting back?? That’s insane
Thinking they did it purposefully?? Also crazy

100% they do it purposely.

amother

Alyssum

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:46 pm

My 3 year old once broke a bone in my face while jumping up and down next to me. Should I have punched him back?
(This was over 10 years ago and bH he turned into a lovely nonviolent teen even though I didn’t “hit him back” Rolling Eyes

)

amother

Mintgreen

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:52 pm

amother Cornsilk wrote:

Why are you accusing her of all of this? Because she has a normal 2 year old who is on a mission to get what he wants, when he wants? Op my brighter children were always the more manipulative toddlers. They love to test boundaries, it's like an experiment. As bright as they are, they aren't emotionally mature enough to understand what mommy is feeling, just the reaction they get.

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:52 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

Children/toddlers are NOT capable of manipulating. They have a need that they need met.

toddlers are not capable of distinguishing between a need and want. A well rested, well fed toddler who is reading a book on the floor with mama and sees a candy or lollipop in the picture book and suddenly wants a lollipop and starts screaming for a lollipop and mama doesn’t give it so the toddler punches mama in the face so hard her glasses break. True sorry btw. This makes me really angry

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:54 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

thank you for this. Yes my child is very bright

amother

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 7:56 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

OP, to respond to your original question, I think when babies start talking and acting like older children we confuse them with older children who have more ability to regulate themselves and communicate their feelings. but a 2 year old is just a bigger baby who knows some words! his emotional development is not there yet. So yes, he is still a baby and using what is available to him to get what he wants - in this case, physical force. Not sure if you answered this, but how verbal is he?

extremely verbal. I know he’s a baby but I still feel violated when he hurts me

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