How not get angry and resentful

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:51 am

giftedmom wrote:

No but most of the time I won’t get involved

So they can mistreat each other but not you?

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:51 am

amother Dandelion wrote:

Is a baby crying mistreatment? Curious how you decide when the behavior is mistreatment.
Why is the kid hitting so triggering to you?

You really don’t understand the difference between a baby crying and being deliberately hit?

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:52 am

amother Dandelion wrote:

So they can mistreat each other but not you?

If they mistreat each other the other will mistreat them back. I don’t have to get involved in every squabble they can learn life on their own

amother

Red

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:53 am

giftedmom wrote:

By defending myself yes

From a 2 year old?
Maybe the 2 year old is defending themselves from you?!

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:53 am

giftedmom wrote:

You really don’t understand the difference between a baby crying and being deliberately hit?

A two year old hitting is not like an older kid hitting. A toddler hitting isn’t the same as a baby crying but in my mind it’s close.
Closer than a toddler hitting and a ten year old hitting.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:54 am

amother Red wrote:

From a 2 year old?
Maybe the 2 year old is defending themselves from you?!

Yes
How are they defending myself from me if all I did was not giving them what they wanted when they wanted it?

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:55 am

amother Dandelion wrote:

A two year old hitting is not like an older kid hitting. A toddler hitting isn’t the same as a baby crying but in my mind it’s close.
Closer than a toddler hitting and a ten year old hitting.

A two year old who deliberately hits and gets no consequence can turn into a ten year old who hits. It happens.

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:56 am

giftedmom wrote:

A two year old who deliberately hits and gets no consequence can turn into a ten year old who hits. It happens.

It does. No one said no consequences.
We’re questioning why the consequence is the mom hitting back.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:57 am

amother Dandelion wrote:

It does. No one said no consequences.
We’re questioning why the consequence is the mom hitting back.

It’s the fastest, most effective, and easiest for the child to understand

amother

Stone

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:57 am

@giftedmom I have to disagree with you on this point.

-toddlers aren’t abusive. They dont have the ability to think that far ahead. They’re hitting because of frustration or because that’s all the know. Redirect. Redirect. Redirect.
-instead of teaching violence for violence, why not teach empathy? It hurts when you hurt someone, it makes them sad.

Lizzie4

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:59 am

You can also hold your child's hands for a moment and say, no hitting/kicking/etc,

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 11:59 am

giftedmom wrote:

It’s the fastest, most effective, and easiest for the child to understand

Ok curious why it’s so triggering to you that you feel the need to take this approach. Seems emotional to me.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 12:00 pm

amother Stone wrote:

1. Not everyone who abuses is abusive
2. I tried the redirecting, I also tried the empathy, they gleefully did it again. Such a powerful feeling to make mommy sad. So much fun.

I do know the difference between hitting from frustration and deliberately hurting to get your way

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 12:01 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

Ok curious why it’s so triggering to you that you feel the need to take this approach. Seems emotional to me.

It’s a conscious decision that I will not allow myself to be hurt by anyone, ever again.
And yes, after trying gentle parenting, and implementing many aspects of it until today, this is where I decided to draw the line.

amother

Mintgreen

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 12:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

My 2 year old is adorable and smart bh. He is also a huge troublemaker and a handful. My hands are full with him and for the most part I’m able to deal with most parenting things well- taking care of him for hours every day, the crying, tantrums, taking care of him when he’s sick, wiping up vomit, diaper blowouts, sometimes sleepless nights, picky eating. One thing though is that he deliberately hurts me when he’s upset at me because I’m not giving him something he wants. Or if I wasn’t fast to give him what he wanted. He might scratch or poke me, bang a heavy toy into my face or head, try to pull/ pinch my tights, try to pull my skirt off, throw blocks into my face, kick me etc., spit food into my face. When he does this I get soooooo angry. It’s like I feel that when I’m doing so much for my kid and while I’m actually in the middle of doing something good for him then how dare he hurt me (let’s say kicking me in the face while I’m changing a diaper because he doesn’t want diaper changed now, or scratching my legs while I stand at the stove cooking his dinner because he wants something now) . Even if I’m not doing something good for him at that moment I sacrifice everything for him literally every minute of the day and when he hurts me physically it really kills me. I know that he’s so little and toddlers are inherently selfish and while he is hurting me on purpose it’s more out of frustration for not getting what he wants but at the time it makes me what to slap him hard (I don’t). How can I reframe and also get him to stop hurting me?

Sounds exactly like my 2 year old. He isn't "selfish", he's a baby! Of course the world revolves around him. You are his world. He feels safe with you, he wants you to feel how he feels. Being physical is always a red line for me though. If he hurts, I say no hitting and put him in his crib for 2 minutes. If he continues, he goes back. When he's calm, he puts a bandaid on Mommy's boo boo. It rarely happens only because he knows I'm so consistent.

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 12:03 pm

giftedmom wrote:

So it seems to be a decision that’s a reaction to other life circumstances.
Sorry that you were so hurt.
I think that hitting back your toddler and gentle parenting aren’t the only two approaches.
Even if the others aren’t as immediate they might be worth looking into. Or not.
Good luck and I hope you heal. ❤️

amother

Stone

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 12:03 pm

giftedmom wrote:

You must have giant toddlers if they can hurt you that much. My toddlers are babies. They’re cute, mischievous, funny, unpredictable and messy. They’re not little monsters.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 12:05 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

I get what you’re trying to do. Discounting my logic by attributing it to emotion, trauma, etc.
spare me the empathy. I’m okay, I healed quite a bit, and my kids are better off for it.

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 12:05 pm

amother Stone wrote:

You must have giant toddlers if they can hurt you that much. My toddlers are babies. They’re cute, mischievous, funny, unpredictable and messy. They’re not little monsters.

Have you ever been pinched really hard or had an object slammed into your head with force? A toddler doesn’t need to be giant to do that.

gootlfriends

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 12:06 pm

Is this child able to communicate? I found my less verbal kids acted out more. Tantrums and hitting were defense mechanisms. I ignore hitting unless it really hurts or I demonstrate gentle behavior. Hitting children accomplishes nothing.