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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> School age children
ra_mom
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 Sat, Dec 09 2023, 3:16 pm
| amother OP wrote: | She doesn’t flip out, I see frustration on her face when it’s excessive. He could be telling her to “relax, calm down, one thing at a time” 10 times within the span of a few minutes.
When she tells me how she feels I’ll tell her “tell tatty, he wants to know how you feel” but I think she’s scared to.
The reason I get upset is because I see how much it frustrates her, and she’s been telling me more and more “tatty doesn’t let me say anything, he’s always telling me to calm down and relax, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong”
Really breaks my heart |
He's shutting her down, invalidating her, controlling her. That's why your daughter is having such a strong reaction.
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amother
Razzmatazz
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Sat, Dec 09 2023, 3:21 pm
OP, are you similar to your dd? I think you are extra triggered by the way dh deals with your dd. Her frustration may even be feeding off of you and your feeling so sorry for her. I see that he gets overwhelmed by all the chatter, and that's maybe something about him that's not great, and may or may not ever change, but he's handling it the best he can, trying to slow things down as opposed to exploding or leaving the room.
I can have similar dynamics in my home, where dh will be a certain way with dd, and I'll get personally insulted and subconsiously push my own hurt onto dd, it just complicates things. Try to take a step back and analyze the situation honestly. I think if you leave it alone and don't get too involved, it's the best thing you can do for your dd, and your shalom bayis.
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amother
Papayawhip
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Sat, Dec 09 2023, 4:18 pm
They To find a way to communicate with him not in the moment.
I find what helps is to say things like "I was listening to a parenting lecture and they were saying that when a child is having a hard time waiting you should try to do such and such. I did it was Sarala and it worked so well for both of us"
In other words, don't attack him method. Show him alternative options.
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amother
OP
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Sat, Dec 09 2023, 5:28 pm
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To those saying she is reacting to me tensing up, you are probably right. And yes I am very sensitive as well. It’s a tense stressed out cycle. I can learn to separate myself from what’s going on or even leave the room. I spoke to my husband about it over shabbos and he said he is open to hearing other suggestions to get her to calm down sp that is good.
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