I'm so sad and stuck!

amother

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 12:40 pm

2 siblings same gender ages 3 adn 5 are fighting almost EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. Verbal, comparing, physical.... while eating, playing, baking,....everything turns into a fight. not all fights end up physically, but one of them is super sensitive and becomes so sad. even daily silly things like where they sit down or who got dressed first becomes a situation.
they are for sure not doing so to get my attention. ignoring is not an option, since the younger one will end up suffering more. (he's ultra sensative and the older one is quite bossy)
I have told them so many times to ignore, they can't resist to have the last word...
any advice on how to instill love and caringness to each other and how to stop the fighting?

amother

Stone

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 12:57 pm

Siblings fight. It's perfectly normal. I try and distract them, get them busy and that can help for a short time. Being outdoors and running about seems to keep them less argumentative as well.
We talk a lot about how we each get what we need, we take turns and we share. I do focus a lot on how Hashem made each of us different, you have blond hair, you have brown hair, and we all get different things and that is okay.
Mine are now a couple of years older than yours and I think as they've gotten older, they are better. Also having friends to play with, keeping them in separate rooms, all helps them to get along better.

amother

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 1:02 pm

amother Stone wrote:

thanks. for sure outdoor play best distraction but not in such weathers! whatever I do to distract gets into another fight... oh and they have a great issue waiting for their turn...I am afraid that till they grow up they will have strong hatred to each others...

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 2:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

Siblings do fight, and thats ok.
what helped me loads was the book "siblings without rivalry" it was a game changer.

amother

Mulberry

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 4:23 pm

I have a boy and then a bunch of girls ka"h. When the first two girls were about those ages, they were constantly bickering! My son and his sister had never been like this, so I was so not used to it. I thought it's the funniest thing. When they started I would mimic them- "No, you're more chutzpanit, no you're more chutzpanit, no, you..., no, you..." I don't remember all the phrases. That usually got them chill a bit. B"H they're almost 6 and 8 now and really good friends almost the whole time. They can't wait to be in school together next year, when the younger one will be in kita aleph. Good luck, OP, iy"H it will get better quickly!

amother

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 9:40 pm

amother Fuchsia wrote:

Siblings do fight, and thats ok.
what helped me loads was the book "siblings without rivalry" it was a game changer.

thanks for recommending. will order.

AlwaysGrateful

Sun, Jan 21 2024, 9:54 pm

While I agree with everyone else that siblings do fight, I think it's important to teach them some techniques that they can use when they ARE in a fight. For example, if they need to split something evenly, one can divide it and the other can choose which piece they want. If one is talking to the second, and the second doesn't want to talk right then, instead of ignoring they can say "I don't want to talk right now." Phrases like "I need some space" are helpful too. Kids don't know these things naturally, and while it can take some time for them to actually use them, in the long run you'll be doing them a big service.

Also, you can try some positive reinforcement, something like a "shalom jar" where every time that the kids make shalom on their own, they each get to put a ping pong ball into a jar, and when the jar is full, they earn themselves a popcorn party for the family or something...Or they can get a sticker on a chart when they use one of the techniques you taught them...

Hope that's helpful!

amother

Mulberry

Mon, Jan 22 2024, 1:22 am

I just want to clarify- I said I found the bickering funny. That was after finding it annoying, disturbing, depressing, and sad. And hoping it was "normal." But like I said, they did grow out of it.

I can see why kids get competitive at those ages- dc3 is finally old enough to compete and dc5 is probably feeling somewhat threatened. I'm thinking it might help if you try to build them up separately, maybe even with different interests. I know you mentioned baking and racing to get dressed. Maybe doing these things separately with them if that somehow could work would help. Could dc5 do a club of some sort while you bake with dc3? Sounds like they're together a lot! iy"H they'll soon grow more and develop more self-confidence, and will be able to be good friends!

amother

Mon, Jan 22 2024, 9:53 am

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

love your idea of the shalom jar! hope will help!