Do your parents or in-laws have favourite grandchildren?

life'sgreat

Fri, Jul 29 2011, 2:25 pm

amother wrote:

life'sgreat wrote:

amother wrote:

I dont mind it because mine are their favorites! Smile

Dont know what the others in the family think! they might not be too happy about it.

My inlaws are pretty good about it, they only show it when we're only ones there, but the others might still realize it.

I find this very very sad. I don't think you realize what this means to the others (you don't). I would be bothered if my son was the favorite grandchild and they'd show it openly.

I don't think I agree. Our family goes out of our way to be there for my in laws, spend time with them, host them or their single kids, invite them on a chol hamoed trip, etc. The other married siblings come only when it's convenient for them, sometimes act rudely when they are there and let their kids misbehave and wreck the house. Yes, my kids are and deserve to be favorite and I don't find it sad.

I'm not sure what your going out of your way has got to do with your kids turning into favorites.

No one deserves to be a favorite. The fact that you think it's ok is sad in my eyes.

Pickle Lady

Fri, Jul 29 2011, 2:34 pm

I couldn't check anything off because my kids grandparents don't really care about them nor hardly see them. OK death is in the way of 2 of them. But the other 2 couldn't really be bothered.

amother

Fri, Jul 29 2011, 4:41 pm

My grandmother definitely favors my aunts family and my family hates it.

There is nothing my aunt Esti* does to deserve this special love. If anything my other aunt Suri and my father help her so much more. Ex: my grandparents used to live 7 hour drive form all their children. When they moved to be closer to the kids it was my dad and Suri that drove up for a week (and they did this trip twice) to help them pack.
My grandparents were by my house for the second days of succos 11 years ago (they were by esti 1st days) and my zaidy didnt feel well and had to be rushed to hospital. my grandmother said "I knew we should have stayed by esti, shes a nurse" my mother felt wonderful.
Grandparents came to town for my bat mitzvah. they went to esti for shabbos and only saw me at the party on sunday. I begged them to spend shabbos with me, after all they only came to town in my honor.

Estis kids get expensive afikomin presents. none of the other grandchildren get anything

The list goes on...
*I changed all names for this post.

amother

Fri, Jul 29 2011, 4:49 pm

amother wrote:

I dont mind it because mine are their favorites! Smile

same here... mine r the favorites...

ElTam

Fri, Jul 29 2011, 5:08 pm

They have several favorites, mine among them. It bothers me to see the disparity of treatment. I know it bothers my SIL who is the mother of one of the not-favorites. It's awkward, but I don't know what to do.

obagys

Fri, Jul 29 2011, 5:23 pm

My oldest DD was named after my mother's mother and she is the absolute favorite. Although my 4yo DD is a real suck-up to bubby and my mom is totally falling for it, lol. I also found that when my oldest was born (she is 10 now), my mom had more time for her. Now that my parents are older and my mother spends her days caring for my father that has been having issues health-wise, she hadn't had the time to develop her relationship with the younger grandchildren. Sometimes I think she has trouble even remembering my youngest DD's name Sad

My parents have k'h 20+ grandchildren btw (not all from me!), and she treats everyone well, but there are definitely favorites in the bunch in each family.

My in-laws, on the other hand, have 40+ grandchildren k'h! I have no idea who and if anyone is favored, it's too hard to tell!

amother

Fri, Jul 29 2011, 5:44 pm

My parents always favoured my eldest daughter, their first grandchild. I don't think my siblings realized this, and neither did my other children, so that's ok.
I have many grandchildren, ka"h, and favour the one named after my father.

Hashemlovesme

Fri, Jul 29 2011, 7:24 pm

e/1 knows that my dd is my mothers fav & tease her about it, though she denies it 100%! all the grandkids are treated the same, but my dd holds a special place in her heart cuz I'm her only dd & she was with us taking care of my dd for the 1st week we were home & we skype, which my bro doesn't do w/ his kids, plus my dd talks on the phone & my niece (the older one) hasn't done till recently.

amother

Sat, Jul 30 2011, 4:57 pm

The older ones are favored, because it's easier to hang with teens than to take care of young children. I hate it, though. Because when the teens were young, they got a lot more attention than their sibs do.

amother

Sat, Jul 30 2011, 11:49 pm

My in-laws definitely have favorites. When the kids were all young, my kids were favored, but my MIL would spend her time with the girls and my FIL with the boys. Now that the kids are older, when my in-laws call they only ask to speak to my oldest girl and to my husband (and never to me either!). In the long run, I think it hurts them (and the grandkids) - once my kids are out of the house, I have far less control over the relationship they have with my in-laws and if they don't feel the kesher, they won't have much of a connection, which is unfortunate. My husband refuses to discuss the matter with his parents and doesn't want me to either, so we just let it happen and it is sad.

amother

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 12:32 am

I think my mother favors her baby's babies over her other grandkids. So my youngest sister is where my parents stay when in town. And all we hear about is her kids and how smart/cute they are. It bothers me more than it bothers my kids.

gold21

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 12:47 am

I don't have the issue of favorites cuz we have the only kids on my husbands side ( he is an only child) and currently on my side as well. But I think it is SICK to have favorites among your own offspring. SICK SICK SICK. What is wrong with people?? If my kids were ever the non-favorites, I would avoid the people who didn't favor them as much as possible. Don't mess with my kids.

cinnamon

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 4:46 am

My kids (especially my oldest dd) are my mother's favorites and I hate it!
They get the most presents and invites and my sisters notice it and I know it bothers them but there is nothing I can do about it.
I told her a houndred times to make sure not to show her favoritism I try to downplay it as much as possible but she says she has a right to buy and do whatever she wants to whoever she wants. I even baught the other grankids something my mom baught my kids and told them its from bubby.
Maybe someone can get me tips on how to get her to show less favoritism?

amother

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 5:27 am

My youngest brother was always the "nebech" for various reasons, and always took up my parents' brain space. Now he's divorced with one kid, and that kid is the center of my parents' universe. As an example, once went to a park with my parents, this brother and his dd - my father was busy running around with his camera taking pics of this one kid - while mine were completely ignored. At one point she was on the slide with some of my kids, and my mother calls out to my father, "She's on the slide, get a picture!". At least say "they" and PRETEND you have some interest in the others!

amother

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 5:47 am

My parents don't but it is extremely obvious in many ways that my in-laws favor one set of grandchildren over all the others. The in-laws shower these grandkids with gifts, approval, time, talk about how wonderful they are, have them over, go visit ... They don't do any of those things for any of the other grandchildren.
It bothers me a little and it bothers my husband a LOT.

amother

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 6:27 am

MIL favors her daughters over her sons. I guess that is the way of the family, the men get sidelined (including FIL)
DH is very hurt, but what can we do.
EXs: ILs go to the bungalow colony. THey took one daughter for the first 4 weeks and the 2nd daughter is coming for the next 4 weeks. Son called (BIL) and said he would love to come up for shabbos. Well too bad they had daughter there. (Does it make sense that 2 children spend the whole summer with them and the others cannot come)
EX2: We live in Israel. ILS came for Succos to us. At the last minute their daughter (SIL) decided to come to ISrael too. ILS switched plans and stayed with their daughter the whole time. We only ate with them when SIL invited us for a meal and DH went on one trip with them. (don't you want to spend time with the children you never see?!?)

The list goes on and on...................

smilingmom

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 8:10 am

I think what we call favoritism is often a product of circumstances.

My parents and il laws love all their grandchildren equally, but are prouder of their grandchildren that graduated college and work vs kollel, because philosoically they are anti kollel.
They would give monetarily more to those kids that are 'helping themselves' rather to those that learn.
As a grandchild transitions from kollel to working, you can see a palatable difference in attitude and actions.

As far as me, we have seven grans, but b" h will be having four more (from each of our four married kids) shortly. I don't think we have now or wil have in the future favorites, but I am sure that the ones that live closest will get more of our attention. It is much easier to have a relationship with a grandkid who lives downstairs as opposed to one that lives half way across the country.

I am wondering what my siblings and kids woud write.

Grandmama

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 11:17 am

MY parents and inlaws have BH many grandchildren, and they always tried to give a lot of love to all of them. Of course, being human, I could always see that some were more loved than others. So what?

I have 8 grandchildren, and love them all to pieces, they are each my favourite!
It is hard for me to think that I love one more than the other, as I adore them each a ton!
I think they all feel equally loved at this stage.

Again as human as we are, some people are just "easier to love" and reciprocate that love.

amother

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 11:42 am

It's funny--my in-laws make a point sometimes about giving everyone the same gift, just to be fair. But in their treatment of their grown children/ children-in-law they definitely play favorites. I sucked it up until one pesach, when we visited them at great expense so they could have "all their grandchildren" together. Well, my MIL was nasty and complained about my children non-stop. It was so bad that my oldest, who was then a not-socially aware 5 year old, noticed and asked me about it. That was the last extended visit we had with them.

My parents give different birthday gifts to each grandchild because they are all different. Lately my financial situation had become more difficult, so they have given me some money. I think it is more than they give my siblings but none of my siblings have an issue with it.