Custom to fast 3 fasts before bar/bas mitzvah

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note

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amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, Jul 27 2023, 8:06 am

It's not a minhag but it can be useful to do a few practice runs if they're up for it. My oldest will be bar mitzvah in a few months and while we don't hold that he has to do anything, since this past asara b'teves we've allowed him to if he wants, with the understanding that he is to stop the instant he's feeling less than 100%. So far, he's made it through all the fasts this year. He's away at camp right now (he was also there for 17 tammuz). I assume he's attempting to fast today. The camp knows they have some near-bar mitzvah boys attempting today and they keep an eye on them to make sure they break it if they need to. I guess I'll find out later how he did. Anyway, he's an anxious type, so I know he's choosing to practice in advance of his bar mitzvah because it makes him feel better to have an idea of what it's like and to know he can.

amother

Lightblue

Thu, Jul 27 2023, 9:05 am

We don get before bar/bas mitzvah unless they want to. I told my 12 year old son he can fast at night and then break it in the morning if he wants. No point in fasting before if you don't need to. My 7 year old told me he's fasting between eating today. Lol

amother

Vanilla

Thu, Jul 27 2023, 9:20 am

My ODS never did a practice run, and once he was BM and had the obligation to fast, he was really struggling and needed shiurim to get through.

The younger ones all started more gradually (skip breakfast at age 10 or 11, gradually extend till later in the day), and by the time they had the chiyuv, didn't have a problem.

I don't think parents should ever force it, but a little suggestion and gentle encouragement might be a good thing.

watergirl

Thu, Jul 27 2023, 9:51 am

We asked our rav about this because we also heard this was a thing and he got kind of worked up about these made up things people force upon their kids. He stressed the importance of not doing anything that’s made up with no source at all because it waters down all of our REAL mitzvos and real minhagim. But also he stressed that it’s unfair to ask our kids to suffer even a bit before they are required to.

Everyone should ask their own rav.

zaq

Thu, Jul 27 2023, 10:34 am

The one fast before, and just for practice, if the kid can and wants to. They usually want to, punkt because they don't have to.

amother

Tulip

Thu, Jul 27 2023, 11:49 am

The only halachic source to fast before bar/bat mitzvah is on yom kuppur. It’s from Gemara yoma and brought down in shulchan aruch harav (616:6)

But it brings two opinions so not everyone does it.

But that is a real valid halachic opinion.

mommyhood

Thu, Jul 27 2023, 12:02 pm

We both grew up with 3 fasts before but we asked our Rav and were told not to do that and the kids should try YK only. Emphasis on try, no pressure if it’s too much for them.

amother

Tuberose

Thu, Jul 27 2023, 12:04 pm

We told my kids to fast the Tisha b’Av before just to show them they can do it. If they can’t do it then we have what to work with. But if we wait till 12/13 and then they try for the first time it’s much harder.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Jul 27 2023, 12:20 pm

amother Saddlebrown wrote:

That’s interesting. My kids camp sent out an email davka saying that it’s really hot and the kids aren’t supervised by their parents and they are not allowing kids to fast the “3 fasts before” which I thought was the responsible thing for them to do.

Shuly

Thu, Jul 27 2023, 1:51 pm

Our Rav said there is no source for it.

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