Dinner for neighbor

Goody2shoes

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:07 am

amother Daisy wrote:

Many fathers are generally capable of rustling up supper, but just after birth is difficult. The kids aren't themselves and are missing their mother, they may be going to work and walking in late, they may be up with the baby too and getting no naps. And yes, they are likely not used to running the whole household on their own, even if they could easily do a few parts of it at a time.

This. I've been asked to chip in many times in homes where the kids were all little and were all home with their father. It's a struggle for him to manage everything on his own and wasn't always home in time to get supper sorted out. I didn't mean to imply he isn't capable, just that sometimes the help is needed.

singleagain

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:15 am

watergirl wrote:

I agree with you. And also I think it's very important to point out that this concept of a man not being able to cook or make a simple meal is not limited to a sect of Jews, it's something we see across the spectrum. Learned incompetence, weaponized incompetence, or something else - it's not a chassidish, yeshivish, sefardic thing. Some men will take this idea and run with it, and many women are more than happy to encourage it.

It's called weaponized incompetence. One of my brothers had a ready that told an old joke something like if the first time your wife asks you to watch the dishes you break one. She'll never ask you to watch the dishes again. This weaponized incompetence

amother

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:15 am

thanks everyone for the validation:)
I did send the full meal in the end since it was partially made before she txtd me and most things were not the type to freeze
I specifically participated in this meal train since it was my neighbor who I am very friendly with.. I would not have done this for an org at all.. so yes I did feel taken advantage of

Again, I really would not have minded sending for father and kids, I just would have made the same as I would for my family.. here I went all out and sent a full 5 course + extras for mom..

amother

Mocha

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:20 am

watergirl wrote:

You have to know where your own red line is. When I see this kind of mealtrain, I don't volunteer and save my energy and money for the ones without local family.

I definitely didn't volunteer for it but I think it's 100% wrong to expect someone to cook for a bunch of able bodied adults.

amother

Amaranthus

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 11:10 am

Once I I saw a meal train for a friend had nobody signed up for shabbos (I think it was the first one pp) so I decided I would make it all and I really went above and beyond. Only to find out that her in laws moved in for that shabbos and brought food with them. I was so offended like why wouldn’t you fill that in online so that nobody signed up for it?!? It really upset me and I don’t think I’ve done it again since.

amother

PlumPink

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 11:31 am

watergirl wrote:

My father grew up with minimal cooking skills, and after tasting his attempts (while they were engaged), my mother decided that cooking was her job. For forty years, my father's cooking skills were limited to making a cup of coffee. Then my mother was niftar - and my father learnt to cook. Now he has become a very good cook, and regrets that they didn't spend years helping each other with the cooking.

Cheiny

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 5:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

My neighbor just had a baby and her friend reached out to me that she wants to do a meal train for her and if I would like to contribute

I was going to send her breakfast one day but decided ill go all out and do a nice dinner
I prepared a very big meal with some extras that she can have for the day after as well

The night before, her frnd txtd me that my neighbor is away and the dinner is for her husband and 2 little kids kids only

Idk why but I was kinda miffed
Honestly I would not have prepared such a lavish spread at all
When preparing meals for a kimpeturin I usually have in mind the mainly the mom (obviously I prepare enough for the fam as well)

I would have either waited for when shes back or just sent basic dinner, or mayb not offered at all

Thoughts?

Just send half of what you prepared.

amother

Arcticblue

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 8:13 pm

Just another perspective - my husband is able to cook but I've been dealing with a medical issue and in and out of the hospital. Generous neighbors and friends have sent dinners for my family here and there and it's been a huge help - he's dealing with laundry (not his wheelhouse!), getting the kids ready for school, food shopping, childcare etc on top of his own work and davening commitments. Although a man can whip up eggs or Tuna, it's definitely a huge help to have a proper dinner to feed a family and himself when things are topsy turvy!! Maybe it's different bc I'm not in an in town community so there is more of the need to support each other without family around? I'm just not sure why there are so many responses that are anti men getting a little extra help when their wife is out of commission.

I also once made a really nice dinner for a close friend after birth . She told me she'd be the kimpeturin home after I made it but her husband and 5 kids enjoyed it very much! Of course I wish she tasted it but her family gave her good feedback so I'm happy they were happy. Maybe I was annoyed for a couple of minutes but again, life is also crazy for the new father! I hear that you're saying maybe it wouldn't have been as fancy for just the husband and kids, but you did something really really nice and a big chesed! I felt good that I went all out and did something a bit different.

essie14

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 9:56 pm

watergirl wrote:

You have to know where your own red line is. When I see this kind of mealtrain, I don't volunteer and save my energy and money for the ones without local family.

Same. I generally participate for people that I know, and if extra people are added I just don't sign up.
I prefer to help people that really need it, without family around to help them.

amother

Trillium

Wed, Aug 16 2023, 10:02 pm

amother Arcticblue wrote:

I agree. Just recently had twins and my dh was busy doing ten million inside the house things on top of his own work. I was blessing all the people that sent food. I still am. Huge chessed.

amother

Maize

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 12:51 am

Not all grandparents and other family members are able to cook. My mother comes to help for a couple of weeks when I have a baby, but she's not frum so I can't have her in my kitchen. When people send meals for our family plus my mother, I hope they're not wondering why the bubby isn't making supper.

amother

Orchid

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 1:00 am

Just to provide perspective, when I went to la isha for a week after one of my babies I specifically had people who offered meals send that week because my husband was juggling so much already between the kids, laundry, cleaning that at least he didn’t have to worry about supper. It could be though that I told the people who offered that I would be away and that’s why I asked them to do that specific week to avoid the disappointment you felt.

Reality

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 1:03 am

amother Maize wrote:

An extra pair of hands is an extra pair of hands. If Bubby can't cook, she can hold the baby for 15 minutes so you or your husband can quickly throw food in the oven.

amother

Maize

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 1:33 am

Quote:

An extra pair of hands is an extra pair of hands. If Bubby can't cook, she can hold the baby for 15 minutes so you or your husband can quickly throw food in the oven.

BH my neighbors disagree with you! It's normal in my neighborhood that the kimpeturin meal trains include food for the family plus an extended family member. I agree if it's more than one extended family member then a meal train doesn't feel so necessary.

Please tell me what meals someone can "throw in the oven" in 15 minutes that will be nourishing and balanced for a kimpeturin whose body needs good nutrition.

Let's say bubby is holding the baby - what about the other children? Dh has no paternity leave. I'm exhausted hormonal ravenous postpartum. Making supper involves planning ahead to get groceries, put groceries away, prep food, cook it and make sure not to fall asleep while it's cooking so it doesn't burn, cleaning up after. It's not 15 minutes.

amother

Caramel

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 1:47 am

Reality wrote:

An extra pair of hands is an extra pair of hands. If Bubby can't cook, she can hold the baby for 15 minutes so you or your husband can quickly throw food in the oven.

Why is everyone on this thread so against sending meals?
A friend had a baby and needs help. Who are you to cheshbon why the grandmother or exhausted new father can't make dinner?
It's chesed. Unless you're not financially able or they are requesting for a ridiculous amount of people, it's really not that big of a deal.

Reality

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 2:30 am

amother Maize wrote:

Quote:

An extra pair of hands is an extra pair of hands. If Bubby can't cook, she can hold the baby for 15 minutes so you or your husband can quickly throw food in the oven.

For most of my kids, I didn't get meal trains. I didn't have grandparents who came to help. I didn't go to a kimpeturin home. I did have family make me my first shabbos home and maybe another meal.

How did I manage? I lived in an area where I could place a phone/online delivery of groceries. I put chicken with either potatoes or sweet potatoes in the oven. I made sure to have easy vegetables in the fridge: baby carrots, cherry tomatoes and baby peppers. I bought store bought dressing or chumus to eat with the veggies.

It really wasn't a big deal. Obviously a woman with a traumatic birth may not be able to do that. But just like I managed to shower without assistance, I managed to throw a basic, balanced meal together.

Reality

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 2:34 am

amother Caramel wrote:

I'm not against sending meals. I personally feel like if you have help, it's a little greedy to keep on asking for more and more.

Help comes in all different forms. To ask other mothers of young children to cook for you when you have paid or volunteer childcare help is a chutzpah.