Mistake? | Imamother

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 12:06 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

Sorry I'm from an open yeshivish backround and I don't think anyone I know had a birds and bees conversation with their parents. They learned from older siblings and friends. I would be mortified if my mom sat me down to have an awkward conversation. If you are sue your child won't find out from friends give them a book or something.

???????
Please do your duty as a mother to educate your girls properly no matter how awkward you think it is.

Ema of 5

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 12:10 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

What if they have questions? Wouldn’t you rather they get correct info from you, than who knows what from friends?

Elfrida

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 12:15 pm

Ema of 4 wrote:

Just curious....until now, where did she think the baby was?

In the special baby shop at the hospital.

Or more likely, she didn't think. If babies just arrive without prior discussion, which is probably the case on OP's community, children can just accept it without really thinking. Now she is older and beginning to wonder about it.

amother

Sienna

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 12:36 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

Do you know what they call mothers who don't educate their daughters about the birds and the bees?

They call them grandmothers.

Don't think it won't happen, just because you are frum, and in a frum community. We had a 14 year old girl end up pregnant in our community (and the way she was treated drove her completely off the derech.) The poor girl was completely clueless, and wasn't sure how the baby got in there.

Huh???

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 12:39 pm

with my last pegnancy my 5 year old ds asked curiously: mommy did you eat a big watermelon or is this the baby you told us about (pointing at my belly)?
I told him the baby is growing in mommies belly, he said: "thats great, this way you always know its with you and the baby is safe there." that was so cute.
no further questions asked. im rpegnant again, ds is turning 9 soon and he said: "its interesting how babies fit into mommies. I wonder how they get there. I said that in the beginning when they start growing in mommies belly they are tiny so fitting them in in the beginning is easy. and as they grow they need more space and so the belly grows too. no further questions asked so far. he seemed happy with the response.

SixOfWands

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 12:40 pm

Elfrida wrote:

Even without discussion, virtually all children will notice that women have growing abdomens before babies arrive, and that their abdomens go back down after the baby arrives; and most will reach the right conclusion about that.

I'm trying to figure out what OP told her about menstruation -- why is her body preparing for eventually having babies, if babies don't grow inside mom?

Anyway, OP, you did nothing wrong. I doubt that your daughter actually didn't have a clue, and I doubt that any of her friends aren't aware as well.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 12:41 pm

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

This is a good book to help with that.

https://www.amazon.com/Wonder-.....91862

I beg to differ. My mom gave me this book in lieu of a bird's and bees chat, and I found it to be too vague to be in any way informative. It did not help me manage my period, and it did not explain to me what I needed to know to stay safe. It assumes a level of knowledge which you need to grasp the importance of what its saying.

At 14, a friend in camp lent me some romance novels, and that was much more to the point. Until then, I had no concept of relations. I knew that a man passes a woman something in order to create a baby, but I thought it was through kissing, and that she then swallowed it and it traveled somehow to the uterus.

In high school, my AP textbook had a paragraph on how relations work, and that was the best of all. It was clear, precise, and also explained org@sm in medical terms. It still took me years into my marriage to figure out that practically speaking, that meant that relations was supposed to be pleasure and not pain. But at least I knew the theory of how things worked.

And btw - all this time I was touching myself before I went to sleep to relax, and never knew what that signified.

Background: Brooklyn yeshivish, BT parents.

This was a VERY dangerous position to be in. If I had been at all rebellious, then I could have gotten into a lot of trouble just because I was uninformed. I knew several girls over the years whom had boyfriends, and one whom actually got pregnant - keeping your daughter uninformed puts her and her friends (whom would tell her if they have a boyfriend, not their parents) at tremendous risk.

fmt4

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:20 pm

OP, is your daughter maybe a bit delayed in some areas? Or maybe just very spacey and out of it. It’s very unusual for an 11 year old to still think that babies are picked up from the hospital. This has nothing to do with community, just with children noticing things around them. I would be a bit concerned with her general ability to notice the world around her.

amother

White

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:27 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

So the 14 year old that got pregnant new about relations but not about pregnancy and a baby is in the tummy? This is strange and I find it hard to believe, unless she was raped.

I'm not a liar. I'm anon because a lot of people in my community know this girl and her family.

If you think that keeping your kid ignorant is some kind of protection, you're wrong. She came from a super strict chassidic family, and they never talked about anything. Her parents were a little socially odd, cool, and distant. I think she was craving affection and someone to appreciate her.

It was statutory rape. The boy was 19, and he had convinced her not only that he loved her, and this is what people in love do, but he also convinced her that "she had nothing to worry about."

Who would you rather have your daughter trust, you, or the boy who swears he loves her more than anything?

amother

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:28 pm

fmt4 wrote:

I assume that your not from where I am. Nothing wrong with her bh. Shes a very bright, social, smart girl.

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I assume that your not from where I am. Nothing wrong with her bh. Shes a very bright, social, smart girl.

This doesn't have to do with community. An average 11 year old from any community knows that babies are in the mothers stomach. Most kids under 11 know this. She probably knew just didn't admit it.

amother

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:33 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

This doesn't have to do with community. An average 11 year old from any community knows that babies are in the mothers stomach. Most kids under 11 know this. She probably knew just didn't admit it.

Do you say it because you talk to your kids about it or just think that they know on their own.

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Do you say it because you talk to your kids about it or just think that they know on their own.

Kids figure it out! When my girls were little they were saying that their teacher is having a baby because she's fat and the baby is in her stomach. I told them that's right but it's private and personal and not appropriate to discuss it. If your daughter goes to school you can assume she knows more than you think she does.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:37 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

I can totally see this happening, sadly. Especially a girl who is not so clued in, especially socially.

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:38 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

If she didn't know about relations, she was raped. It's horrific the way the community handled it.

Ema of 5

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:40 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

I hear. I agree in theory but I wonder if my child will feel comfortable having that conversation. I do not want to weird them out....

You need to make your child understand that you are open to any questions that come up, without letting her know you are uncomfortable. You can also let her know that these are private conversations just between the two of you, and just line you are discussing things with her, other moms want to discuss it with their kids too, instead of them discussing it with their friends.