Dinner for neighbor

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 5:36 am

amother Amaranthus wrote:

Once I I saw a meal train for a friend had nobody signed up for shabbos (I think it was the first one pp) so I decided I would make it all and I really went above and beyond. Only to find out that her in laws moved in for that shabbos and brought food with them. I was so offended like why wouldn’t you fill that in online so that nobody signed up for it?!? It really upset me and I don’t think I’ve done it again since.

When my husband sat shiva, we had all his siblings here and I cooked. Without telling me, a neighbor decided to start a meal train and since one of the people sitting shiva was vegan she told everyone to cook vegan.
Suddenly neighbors brought me the weirdest vegan foods and since we were a lot of people, the amounts were super generous. Not even the one vegan would eat it. When the first one came, I protested that I didn't need this- I wasn't sitting and was happy to cook for my crew. I asked them to cancel the food train as it was unnecessary. They protested that they wanted to help me but I really didnt want the help. One neighbor who brought the second vegan meal got upset when she brought it in my kitchen and saw me preparing fleishigs. I told her I never asked for this, its sweet and I appreciate the sentiment but some of the men want fleishigs and refuse the vegan food. She wanted me to compensate her as the food was not cheap, so I did. Waste of my money and the whole thing was ridiculous
Since you cant take food out of a shiva house, the food just spoiled and was thrown out.

Please take responsibility for starting a meal train. Dont do it if the family doesnt want it. Communicate needs and dont ask for more than you need.

amother

Hibiscus

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 5:39 am

I guess im the odd one out.

Would we say the same if a parent is in crisis chvsh and other parent is left to tend to the rest of the kids?

After a baby, its an adjustment period for the family too - whether baby and mom are home or not and dad is likely taking on an additional load
More duties around the house, caring for the rest of the kids by himself, perhaps taking some work home if cant stay his normal hours. Plus not going out to shop with all the kids home alone.

I would be more than happy to send to a family even while the mom is still in the hospital. Cant believe so many are against

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 5:40 am

OP totally understand you, but Daddy's also need to eat and he is taking care of 2 babies. you sent it, I am sure he enjoyed, and you get a huge Mitzva. This might be the first meal he is getting which isn't fried eggs, or cereal. He also needs a hug. Daddy's do work hard. ( I am a woman but my DH was home taking care of our 4 children when I was by my parents (with our newborn) for a couple weeks. He did laundry, changing diapers, serving food, shabbat. so if someone sent him food I was so happy).

singleagain

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 6:59 am

B'Siyata DiShamaya wrote:

Since you cant take food out of a shiva house, the food just spoiled and was thrown out.

Please take responsibility for starting a meal train. Dont do it if the family doesnt want it. Communicate needs and dont ask for more than you need.

Off topic, but I never heard you can't take food out of a Shiva house.. Do you know why that is?

But I do agree with you about your last paragraph. When my mother sat Shiva last year I also didn't think we needed a meal train. Mostly bc it's just me and my parents at home, plus my aunt who sat Shiva with her. And my dad usually does the cooking in the house. But I knew ppl would want to help, so when a friends wanted to sign us up, I told her just dinners from local restaurants. I also tried to not put me and my dad down, but she insisted. Also it was really nice that most ppl called us to get our orders. So we didn't end up with too much food.

amother

Amaranthus

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:07 am

B'Siyata DiShamaya wrote:

Horrible!!😱

amother

Caramel

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:21 am

amother Hibiscus wrote:

This!

Reality

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:22 am

amother Hibiscus wrote:

I am not against sending food to a family while the mom is still in the hospital. I actually recently just did that. I cooked an entire shabbos for a family of five whose mom was in the hospital after giving birth the day before. Of course, the Dad needed help. He had 4 kids to take care of and buy stuff for a shalom zachar etc...

I am against people thinking help is coming to them from the neighborhood when they have plenty of their own resources.

amother

Caramel

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:26 am

Reality wrote:

I'm not against sending meals. I personally feel like if you have help, it's a little greedy to keep on asking for more and more.

Help comes in all different forms. To ask other mothers of young children to cook for you when you have paid or volunteer childcare help is a chutzpah.

Maybe the help she needs right now is for someone to cook for her? Who are you (I don't mean you specifically) to decide what help she needs and what she doesn't? That's not how chesed works.

Where would the frum world be if all the chesed organizations/gemachs took it upon themselves to determine whether the person asking for help actually needs it or not?

Sure, there have to be boundaries. That's why most meal trains only run for a limited period of time.

ETA: There is also zero obligation. If you don't feel you can contribute, you don't have to.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:28 am

I guess I see things differently because I have horrible parents and in-laws.
They come post-birth. To visit and participate for themselves.
If I ask them to help, they plain refuse. Won't hold the baby so I can throw in the chicken. Won't run to the grocery so I can get the chicken. But expect to eat the chicken. To the point that they will help themselves before I feed myself and my kids and leave nothing for me.
I minimize their visits as much as possible but if they show up for the Shabbos shalom Zachor, it's not always feasible for me to jyst throw them out.

I don't do mealtrains. I do have loving friends who understand and send.
But it gave me new understanding of people who have Bubby or Zaidy or Aunt and yet still need meals.
Because extended family dynamics can be very very unhealthy and yet the postpartum mother still deserves a meal provided and break.

singleagain

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:32 am

amother Bronze wrote:

I'm so sorry. I don't mean to derail this thread. I'm just I can't understand. What's the point of coming to visit after birth of a baby if you're not going to at least hold the baby? Or is it that they only hold the baby when they want to?

amother

Bronze

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:41 am

singleagain wrote:

Only when it's fun and pleasant for them. Or when the baby is calm, happy, sleeping. In other words when I don't NEED them to hold him because I could put him in the crib or something so I can put together supper.

But my kids tend to be colicky. If I'm putting up supper, throwing in a load, I need someone to hold a screaming baby. Maybe walk around.
So instead they follow me around making comments that they would hold him if he calmed down but I must be doing something wrong

singleagain

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:51 am

amother Bronze wrote:

Omg. Bronze, I'm so sorry you have family like that. Major hugs. I hope you can one day establish the boundaries you need for your own sanity.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:58 am

singleagain wrote:

Omg. Bronze, I'm so sorry you have family like that. Major hugs. I hope you can one day establish the boundaries you need for your own sanity.

Thanks.
Usually I do have boundaries in place.
Post baby is a hard time. They all live more than a 7 hour drive away so they tend to come for the shalom Zachor and stay 3 days until the bris or something.

I'm just explaining how there can be able-bodied adults sitting there and yet the postpartum mother desperately benefits from sending her a supper.
If you can't do it, fine.
But please be dlz and don't label me (and people like me) as selfish takers.
We are just trying to survive.

Reality

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 9:02 am

amother Caramel wrote:

I guess I was burned one too many times when I was younger. I would stretch myself to do this chesed and drop off a meal to an immaculate home with a cleaning lady in the kitchen and a baby nurse or grandma tending to the baby. I would come home like a shmatta to my own home that looked like a whirlwind and watch my own little kids. I got smart and learned to choose which chesed was the right chesed for me to do at the right time.

My point is that people think that regardless of how much help they are already getting they are entitled to 1-2 weeks of "free" meals from the community. That attitude I think is wrong.

amother

Peru

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 9:05 am

amother Bronze wrote:

My mother isn’t a help when she comes (I live in a different state). Not as purposely/blatantly as your family but I do relate! My mother wants to help, but she isn’t efficient and is older so I end up taking care of more than she does. When she comes pp I definitely find it more difficult!

For example, she will try to clear the table but doesn’t know where anything goes (though I have lived in my house for years and she been over multiple times). So she will pick up each item and ask where to put it. So I end up standing up repeatedly to either show her or just take care of it. As opposed to my original plan, where I leave it on the table until dh has time to take care of it. And I will need to help her prepare herself breakfast. Etc.

Meal train - wise, she came a couple times when I did have a meal train and I was so thankful that she was included. But with my last baby I told her I think I could handle alone, and honestly I felt a lot more comfortable getting meals from friends that way!

Personally, I had it a couple times where I made food for a friend and they weren’t back from the hospital yet. I was totally fine with it. But one time I worked hard to make shabbos food for another friend, and her mother answered the door and I found out that she came to cook and stock her freezer…There was zero point in my food, I could smell the shabbos food cooking! That was frustrating.

amother

Crystal

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 10:59 am

When asked by a friend to do a meal for another neighbor, I readily agreed. Then, I found out that another friend,who lived next door, invited the kimpeturin and her family for that Shabbos meal. It turns out that my meal was given to the nannies. It made me really angry. The organizer told me that the Dad told her not to cancel any of the meals, even though they were going out.

OP, I would have happily made food for a Dad and kids even if Mom was in a kimpeturin place, but would want to know in advance.

amother

White

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 11:07 am

Reality wrote:

I hear what you are saying, I know that feeling of trying to send a kimpeturin supper when things are crazy at home. On the other hand after having PPD with my last I am planning to get a baby nurse for a few weeks next time around. It's not in my budget, but it's also not something I can afford to do without.

My dh works very full time and will probably take off a bit around the baby and help where he can (including making chicken or pasta etc if needed), but meals would definitely be appreciated and make a big difference to my recovery (and buying the equivalent in takeout would be another big expense)

Just because someone has some resources available and maybe is even shelling out money for a "luxury", doesn't mean that your chesed is not needed and appreciated.