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Mistake?

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amother

Indigo

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:44 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

They dont know if you dont tell them or they didn't hear it from friends. I actually told her during my last pregnancy that we're having a baby but didn't go into specific details of how it happens.

You’re deluding yourself. No one told me anything, ever, and I figured most of it out by the time I was 10. And, I was a very very very naive and unaware child. I would give examples but I don’t want to embarrass myself here.

yiddishmom

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:45 pm

It does not have to be that she isn't smart.

It's very possibly that she knows, but is spacey and in the moment the information kind of flew above her head.

I know that I am like that. Just super spacey!

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:45 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

Kids figure it out! When my girls were little they were saying that their teacher is having a baby because she's fat and the baby is in her stomach. I told them that's right but it's private and personal and not appropriate to discuss it. If your daughter goes to school you can assume she knows more than you think she does.

Yes.
She probably picks up cues from you, that it is embarrassing or taboo, so she is too embarrassed to tell you she already knows a lot of what you assume she is totally unaware of.

amother

Seashell

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:47 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

I'm not a liar. I'm anon because a lot of people in my community know this girl and her family.

If you think that keeping your kid ignorant is some kind of protection, you're wrong. She came from a super strict chassidic family, and they never talked about anything. Her parents were a little socially odd, cool, and distant. I think she was craving affection and someone to appreciate her.

It was statutory rape. The boy was 19, and he had convinced her not only that he loved her, and this is what people in love do, but he also convinced her that "she had nothing to worry about."

Who would you rather have your daughter trust, you, or the boy who swears he loves her more than anything?

So horrifying! What did they do? Was the girl given a Heter to abort? What happened?

amother

White

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:49 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

If she didn't know about relations, she was raped. It's horrific the way the community handled it.

Absolutely. But she wouldn't give up the boy's name, so no one could prosecute.

She ended up having two more kids with him by the time she was 18, and by then she was old enough to marry him. He's not Jewish, but at least he married her. That's something, I guess.

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:50 pm

Happens to be I also figured out relations by myself without anyone telling me. I remember at a certain age that it clicked in my mind that the man's part probably goes into the women's.

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:51 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

Omg omg this is horrific. Why didn't she want to say the name? Was she threatened? Didn't anyone know who she was hanging out with?

Ema of 5

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 2:59 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

Omg omg this is horrific. Why didn't she want to say the name? Was she threatened? Didn't anyone know who she was hanging out with?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say there’s more to this story. If she had two more kids with him and married him, I don’t think her having zex with him was a one time thing, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was what she thought she wanted, even though she was only 14 at the time. Why wouldn’t she give his name? Because this wasn’t a one time thing, where she had zex or was raped and didn’t want to. She didn’t want HIM to get in trouble.

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 3:20 pm

Ema of 4 wrote:

Right. If she was raped she wouldn't have had 2 more kids and then went on to marry him. But perhaps she's in an abusive relationship and she's being threatened by him? Who knows? But the story is definitely weird.

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 3:24 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

Sorry I'm from an open yeshivish backround and I don't think anyone I know had a birds and bees conversation with their parents. They learned from older siblings and friends. I would be mortified if my mom sat me down to have an awkward conversation. If you are sue your child won't find out from friends give them a book or something.

My mother told me, and I told my daughters. I don't think it was awkward or embarrassing.

amother

Violet

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 3:29 pm

ExtraCredit wrote:

Your brother was definitely joking! (I hope) LOL

Sadly, he wasn’t

amother

White

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 3:34 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

Of course it's weird. B'H it's something rare by us, and extremely dysfunctional. 14 year old girls who feel unloved at home are not known for having the best judgement.

Statutory rape is when an adult convinces a child or teen that they want to do something, and they think that they have enough maturity and information to act on it. She may have "given consent", but she was not legally able to consent, and that's where the statutory part comes in.

From what I could tell, she'd been sneaking out to be with him, and he wasn't really known to the community. I don't know if anyone ever really saw them together just hanging out. She probably thought it was some kind of Romeo and Juliet thing, which makes it more exciting and romantic.

She never showed any signs of being abused. She seemed to genuinely love this guy. Many people offered to pay for her abortion and counselling, and she flatly refused.

Once she was determined to keep the baby, she was told to never come back to shul, and not to talk to anyone in the community, because they thought she'd be a bad influence on the other kids. She got expelled from school, too.

Her parents became the nebach of the neighborhood, and everyone felt sorry for them. They treated them like it was the parents who were the victim here.

I hate to feel like I'm derailing this thread, but I think it's important to let people know that this happened. It's so easy to say "my daughter is a good girl, she would never do that, she doesn't need to know of these things."

LovesHashem

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 3:38 pm

Ema of 4 wrote:

You need to make your child understand that you are open to any questions that come up, without letting her know you are uncomfortable. You can also let her know that these are private conversations just between the two of you, and just line you are discussing things with her, other moms want to discuss it with their kids too, instead of them discussing it with their friends.

I hear. It just sounds awkward. Isn't every first kids thought is "so my parents do this?". I don't want my kid to think that while we discuss it. But I guess you are right. I guess me and everyone I know turned out alright without an official talk so I assumed it's fine. I probably will end up talking to them. Note I don't have any kids yet.

anonymrs

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 3:54 pm

I'm confused. Do these kids not learn parsha? I can't imagine an 11yr old not assimilating this info even if not told directly.

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 3:56 pm

anonymrs wrote:

I'm confused. Do these kids not learn parsha? I can't imagine an 11yr old not assimilating this info even if not told directly.

We never learnt anything about babies in the stomach when learning parsha. My girls haven't either.

anonymrs

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 3:59 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

We never learnt anything about babies in the stomach when learning parsha. My girls haven't either.

Did you not learn about rivka? Shnei
non jews b'vitnech. Really not?

Ok, I did not write non Jews. I wrote the word it says in the passuk

Last edited by anonymrs on Wed, Dec 16 2020, 4:04 pm; edited 1 time in total

keym

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 4:03 pm

anonymrs wrote:

Did you not learn about rivka? Shnei non jews b'vitnech. Really not?

That autocorrect is hysterical

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 4:12 pm

I'm confused about the parents. Don't they talk to their kids about no one touching them inappropriately? My DD knows that no one can touch her where her bathing suit covers....

anonymrs

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 4:15 pm

keym wrote:

That autocorrect is hysterical

Agree!

fmt4

Wed, Dec 16 2020, 4:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I assume that your not from where I am. Nothing wrong with her bh. Shes a very bright, social, smart girl.

It has nothing to do with where you’re from. It has to do with having eyes in your head and the barest minimum of critical thinking. If mommy “gets fat” and then after nine months has a baby, most kids over the age of three put two and two together.

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