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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
Poinsettia
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 Mon, Sep 04 2023, 4:33 pm
Hi op
Mazel Tov!!
Wow you write well, sounds hectic.
If it was me, Id probably ask a different chesed organisation(if you have one).
I would feel funny asking. But thats me, im quite self conscious...
Wishing you lots of rest
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amother
Saddlebrown
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Mon, Sep 04 2023, 4:34 pm
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I agree - chicken and potatoes is really way too many steps for this age.
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amother
Foxglove
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Mon, Sep 04 2023, 4:34 pm
| imaima wrote: | It’s not wrong to accept help if someone is providing it.
There are so many backward ideas on this thread! |
I guess I'm thinking of how overwhelmed I & many other moms are this time of the year & how it would be a real sacrifice to send someone a full meal. I usually am happy to send but this week I can barely get a meal together for my family. My kids are not back to school yet...
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amother
Foxglove
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Mon, Sep 04 2023, 4:48 pm
| imaima wrote: | It’s not wrong to accept help if someone is providing it.
There are so many backward ideas on this thread! |
.
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amother
Pewter
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Mon, Sep 04 2023, 4:59 pm
How many times do people say "Why didn't you ask?" or "If only I'd known..."
OP, please please ask for help! Your DH is busy, you're juggling like crazy and you DESERVE it!
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amother
Denim
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Mon, Sep 04 2023, 10:19 pm
| amother OP wrote: | My smallish but growing community makes a lot of meal trains. I've been living here a little over a year and made sure to participate in a few, often by chipping in to a gift card but I did some food too.
I think the standard is to provide 2 weeks of meals after a birth. If it's an illness/hospitalization issue then I guess as needed.
I had a baby a little more than 2 weeks ago but went to my summer hangout instead of back home after. My summer friends provided supper for a little over a week and 2 Shabboses.
Now we're back home and almost a month post birth but I'm having a hard time managing. I'm recovering slowly but feel the need to take it easier. The baby is more demanding than my others were - nothing disastrous bh that would count as extenuating circumstances, but his care is eating up all my time and energy (mild feeding issues plus fussiness) My kids are eating a lot of cereal, macaroni, and frozen pizza. Which is not the end of the world but it is a little lame.
I'm a little bummed that we missed out on the local meal train since we weren't here when the baby was born. I think it's wrong to feel this way because I did get meals from other people instead but I wonder, would it be inappropriate to hint to the coordinators that we would like some help? Or would that be like double dipping or taking advantage since we got already from someone else, and we're past the usual stage that people get without extenuating circumstances?
In particular I had dh make Shabbos last week because he was off for labor day weekend but I'm already worrying how I'm going to make Shabbos this week when he's back at work. I KNOW it's fine to cut myself slack and serve cream cheese sandwiches for Shabbos or whatever suggestions you have. But we've been having that kind of food all week too and it's kind of sad.
I'm thinking I need to just move on and keep the macaroni coming without imposing on anyone else. But thanks for entertaining the idea with me. |
If you weren't around in the community for those two weeks, then avar zmano batel korbano. You cannot ask for them just because you weren't there at that time. IF you had been there and taken the standard two weeks and then felt like you had to ask for more because you were now in the category of "ill" that would be different. But if you would had felt uncomfortable doing that, then you cannot now ask for meals.
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B'Syata D'Shmya
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Mon, Sep 04 2023, 10:57 pm
| amother Foxglove wrote: | Yeah but it's alot of work to send a family dinner & not very nice to accept if it's not almost an emergency.
Like watergirl said you can make super simple 5 minute chicken one pot meals.
Maybe ask just for shabbos? |
You negate yourself,making supper can be either a lot of work or super simple.
Maybe the problem is that we have gotten into this craze of sending over amaaaaazing meals to impress (a form of competition?) rather than just sending over one pot chicken or meatballs and spaghetti or a casserole and simple salad.
Right now she is falling off her feet with cereal or sandwhiches. Isnt that almost an emergency?
They say that the highest form of tzedaka is helping someone before they completely fall. That applies here too.
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B'Syata D'Shmya
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Mon, Sep 04 2023, 11:03 pm
| amother Denim wrote: | | If you weren't around in the community for those two weeks, then[b] avar zmano batel korbano[/b]. You cannot ask for them just because you weren't there at that time. IF you had been there and taken the standard two weeks and then felt like you had to ask for more because you were now in the category of "ill" that would be different. But if you would had felt uncomfortable doing that, then you cannot now ask for meals. |
Rabbi Denim, I disagree. The Karban shouldnt be the OP who vetted in, and the baby is still needy. OP helped with others and will be asked to help in the future- but now deserves some help herself. Its not like she went back to work and just wants to make life easier on herself. She can make it clear that she only needs basic meals, nothing elaborate.
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B'Syata D'Shmya
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Mon, Sep 04 2023, 11:10 pm
| amother Foxglove wrote: | | I guess I'm thinking of how overwhelmed I & many other moms are this time of the year & how it would be a real sacrifice to send someone a full meal. I usually am happy to send but this week I can barely get a meal together for my family. My kids are not back to school yet... |
Of course if you cant, then dont. The OP wrote that as well, we arent all up to helping every time we are asked. I understand your concern. Please only help if you have the ability to.
I was once asked to help provide meals for a family for 3 weeks in a row, 21 meals. 7 people.. The family didnt trust most homes kashrus, the organizer apologized to me that it falls on me, I told her what I can do and what I cant, I couldnt take on the whole thing myself (the family didnt eat from local take-outs so chipping in wasnt the issue) and I did what I could, the Mother birchered to me that she needed more help, but I bit my tongue and didnt answer to her that her Kashrus demands made it hard on the community to help her.
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amother
NeonGreen
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Mon, Sep 04 2023, 11:31 pm
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I live in an OOT community and we offer meals for 2 weeks post birth. We also offer in other scenarios too though. I think you can be honest with the organizers and tell them you know it’s past the two weeks, you’re still finding it hard and any help would be appreciated. Maybe they can do shabbos and 2 dinners. It is a hectic time of year for everyone. Ask them what they think they can reasonably offer you. Do they have a freezer where they stock food? Maybe they don’t even have to bother anyone and they can give you things from the freezer that either you or they can warm up for you. Basically I think you just need to be honest with them - you know it’s a hard time of year and you’d appreciate any help they can provide. Hatzlacha
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boysrus
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Mon, Sep 04 2023, 11:59 pm
OP, would you say what city you live in?
I would really be so happy to make you some delicious Shabbos food to take the edge off your exhaustion. Postpartum is really hard> If I try to join somebody's meal train and its full already, then I try to offer a couple of weeks later. Up to about 8 weeks can be really challenging to get things together. Please PM me and if you are in my city I will cook for you with pleasure! Mazal tov and enjoy your bundle of joy.
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imaima
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Tue, Sep 05 2023, 12:29 am
| amother Foxglove wrote: | | I guess I'm thinking of how overwhelmed I & many other moms are this time of the year & how it would be a real sacrifice to send someone a full meal. I usually am happy to send but this week I can barely get a meal together for my family. My kids are not back to school yet... |
Yes
So say no.
Someone else will say yes.
The inability to say no, prevalent among many moms, is the reason they feel resentful, but they will never admit and will rather decide, the one who asks is the problem.
No, they are not.
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amother
Grape
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Tue, Sep 05 2023, 3:24 am
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Dear new mother please ask , no need for explanations. Whoever can't make suppers won't and whoever could will be happy to help. Please take care of yourself. I have done this for myself when I needed meals. That's what they are there for.
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amother
Puce
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Tue, Sep 05 2023, 3:30 am
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I came back home with my first baby after 3 weeks- one week in the hospital monitoring a heart condition, and two weeks by my parents. I asked a friend to set up a meal train for dinner for the rest of that week so we could get our bearings. I'm felt bad about asking, but I'm so grateful my friends brought food so we could get our act together, get groceries, etc.
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amother
Marigold
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Tue, Sep 05 2023, 3:40 am
I think it depends how big your community is and how many people are available to help.
If its a big community its not a massive burden and your should definitely ask but if its a small community it may be a burden and then you should consider if your husband can pitch in more. Or if you can just put some chicken in the oven.
If you genuinely need it then it's fine to ask
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BatZion
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Tue, Sep 05 2023, 3:46 am
OP. Just do it.
Please don't be ashamed to ask.
In our community, meals are offered to people in all kinds of challenging situations.
People here are responding with their opinions as if they are making the rules.
Pick up that phone and ask.
Worst case scenario? They'll say no.
Best? They'll say they can help you, and you get to enjoy and have a bit more time to get your life together. Or perhaps you can take up one of the wonderful women here who offered help, if you're willing to share where you live.
Please don't be ashamed to ask. You're not long after giving birth. It is hard. We can support each other and there are people who can and are happy to do so.
Wishing you much nachat and strength!
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amother
White
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Tue, Sep 05 2023, 7:26 am
| B'Siyata DiShamaya wrote: | You negate yourself,making supper can be either a lot of work or super simple.
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Cmon, when sending a supper to someone it's much more stress than putting on your own easy supper.
You automatically feel a need to make it a bit nicer than just dumping something in the oven. And then there's also the packing up and delivery, which is another whole difficulty.
Should we feel the pressure in an ideal world? No. But, the fact is that most do. So yes, sending a supper is often a LOT more work than the person themself just putting something quickly on.
(I'm not saying Op shouldn't ask, just pointing that that post wasn't contradictory at all.)
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amother
Buttercup
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Tue, Sep 05 2023, 7:29 am
| B'Siyata DiShamaya wrote: | You negate yourself,making supper can be either a lot of work or super simple.
Maybe the problem is that we have gotten into this craze of sending over amaaaaazing meals to impress (a form of competition?) rather than just sending over one pot chicken or meatballs and spaghetti or a casserole and simple salad.
Right now she is falling off her feet with cereal or sandwhiches. Isnt that almost an emergency?
They say that the highest form of tzedaka is helping someone before they completely fall. That applies here too. |
Have you read the numerous threads here about people complaining about getting a "simple" meal of chicken and rice or something not good enough for ther kids?
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amother
Trillium
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Tue, Sep 05 2023, 7:54 am
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If you've been living on cereal, yogurt, and sandwiches as a nursing mother, that could be contributing to your mush-brain. Maybe a week of proper protein would help you feel like a person again.
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watergirl
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Tue, Sep 05 2023, 8:01 am
| amother Buttercup wrote: | | Have you read the numerous threads here about people complaining about getting a "simple" meal of chicken and rice or something not good enough for ther kids? |
Seriously. These mealtrain threads are always full of people bemoaning the simple dinner and if chas v'shalom someone sends or suggests chicken on the bone (dark meat on the bone is apparently a huge sin), heaven help them. The dinner I always send is chicken legs (thigh and drumstick) and potatos. People call me up after asking for the recipe (onion powder, garlic powder, paprika). It's super simple and it's perfect. But not on imamother.
I've seen people here say things like, "a week after giving birth, I can make my family chicken and rice, but a new mom needs to be spoiled and nourished, sending chicken and rice or potatos is not enough, there is no point in sending that kind of a meal". Like, I've seen this a lot. I've also seen mealtrains in my city saying no chicken on the bone. Those are the ones I skip.
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