I let my baby cry it out today

amother

Blue

Tue, Nov 07 2023, 9:00 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

Hence the problem - you don't fully understand other perspectives. Nor do you understand that different things work for different children. It is often the case that when parents leave a child to cry for a bit, its because they have tried everything you have suggested - and it just doesn't work for their kid.

You're running with the mindset that others haven't tried tools and empathy and what not, and you are not understanding that some children will still cry despite all that. Babies aren't identical, they aren't carbon copies and what works for one temperament may not work for another. Some children DO learn from crying it out - they learn to self-regulate, self soothe and to adapt to schedules. It doesn't hurt them in any way because the empathy and the tools they mother provides them in other ways creates a beautiful package that works for their individuality.

There isn't one way to parent, nor is there two ways or three etc. Parenting is a multi-prong task that constantly needs to be tweaked according to child and circumstances. Having a rigid set of rules that you force onto every situation doesn't raise a healthy child.

Children don’t learn to self regulate and self sooth from crying it out. That’s outdated misinformation and think that’s what lies at the crux of our disagreement.

Children are completely different and chanoch lnaar al pi darko. I’m a big believer in nuanced approaches for every individual child.

There is no child though that benefits from CIO. It’s a harmful approach as we now know due to the current research.
What you are suggesting is based on outdated parenting advice that was pushed heavily in the 90’s.

Being left to cry isn’t a tool or technique that is to be lauded. It’s harmful across the board and doesn’t actually teach anything. Some children will be more hurt by it and others less so, but it’s harmful none the less.

Let’s stop excusing crying it out.

When we understand that that isn’t an option we can then proceed to explore other avenues of support if the standard avenues aren’t working,

There is so much parenting support available nowadays. An informed parent is an empowered parent! I wish you all the best.

amother

Blue

Tue, Nov 07 2023, 9:12 pm

amother Seashell wrote:

So much drama over a baby crying for 20 minutes before her nap. OP is not a bad mom because of it and baby will be fine. For all those that are so convinced that never letting your baby cry is the way to go, did all of your kids turn out perfectly with no issues?

And obviously one shouldn't let a baby cry frequently and endlessly, but I highly doubt crying for 20 minutes once in a while will cause such serious trauma.

Op, is an exceptionally great mother as evidenced from her initial post. This disagreement isn’t about the incident with op’s baby.

amother

Lightgray

Tue, Nov 07 2023, 10:22 pm

I'm having a lot of trouble understanding this whole conversation. I'm BH a mother of 7 children, most of whom were babies 10-20 years ago. It's been a while, but when my children were small I considered it a priority to make sure they got the sleep they needed to be at their best. IME, an overtired child=an unregulated child. And no, they were not always happy to go in for naps or bedtime, and they did sometimes cry before falling asleep. My friend, who would run to pick up her babies the instant they whimpered, not giving them a chance to settle down themselves, had very difficult children who appeared extremely dysregulated (falling asleep whenever they dropped rather than having structured bedtime etc).

BH, bli ayin hara, my older children have grown into wonderful productive sensitive adults.

Can someone explain, how can you get a toddler to take a nap if you won't ever let them cry for a few minutes in their crib? Of course they'd prefer to play with you! and pushing them in a stroller to put them to sleep doesn't give them the ability to put themselves to sleep, which is so necessary.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Nov 07 2023, 10:24 pm

amother Lightgray wrote:

Apparently times have changed and now crying = lifelong trauma.

amother

Taupe

Tue, Nov 07 2023, 11:53 pm

I see this thread is no longer about OP or about letting a child cry for 20 minutes once in a blue moon in a desperate situation.

I won't quote a specific post since I don't want anyone to feel 'attacked' Twisted Evil

My heart is aching reeding this.
I'm super sensitive to a baby's cry. Even when it's not my own. If you stay sane while hearing your own baby crying because he needs to fall asleep then I guess we are made of different material.
poor poor baby. They can fall asleep with a soothing voice at their side. They can fall asleep in your arms. In a carriage. Why does it have to be with tears?! your the baby's mother! A child does not have to fall asleep crying.
You feel that he's crying because he doesn't want to be left in his crib by himself. or that he still wants to play etc. So why don't you put him to sleep with more understanding to his feelings? He's a human being. He has feelings. Rock him to sleep. You don't have time for that? Then we're back at square one where your child cries because you have other things to do. Don't say you're letting the child cry because he doesn't want to sleep and needs the sleep. You're letting him cry because you don't have time to put him to sleep or for whatever reason.

I am not a new mother and already married off too. I never let my babies cry themselves to sleep. I always cringed when I heard a baby crying 'cuz he needs to fall asleep'
My kids fall asleep so easily on their own now. They have very healthy sleeping habits. ANd are healthy teens, adults BH! And I never used Melo-chew either but that's a topic on its own. I deal with and give of my time for my kids bedtime.
When I grew up, my mother didn't either let the babies cry themselves to sleep. We are all leading healthy lives.
Why would you think that if a friend's kids turned out the way they did with bad characteristics it is because their mother didn't let them fall asleep while crying?!! You gotta be kidding!
I'm really not understanding why people say it's the normal way of putting kids to sleep.people do it because they don't want or can't be busy with it.
Reposting a line I read a while back on this board: A mother will have to give an answer to every extra tear her child sheds.
It breaks my heart reading how people are so גלייכגילטיג to a baby's cry.

amother

Blue

Tue, Nov 07 2023, 11:58 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

This was so heartwarming to read! Thank you for your heartfelt post. I’m like you and my kids are wonderful sleepers as they get older as well. Good sleep doesn’t need to come with tears.

tichellady

Wed, Nov 08 2023, 12:40 am

amother Lightgray wrote:

I’m also very confused by this conversation and how this actually plays out in real life

tichellady

Wed, Nov 08 2023, 12:49 am

I read a lot about parenting and I’m confused what parenting experts you say are against sleep training and what they propose parents do instead. I have not found these experts except for Gabor mate who doesn’t explain what parents should do when a child refuses to sleep. I don’t like sleep training and I’m very intentional about how I do it but I also don’t like being so tired that I can’t drive safely and having cranky sleep deprived children. I have a feeling the people who rail against sleep training have children who are naturally decent sleepers. Anecdotally, I have a relative who is against sleep training and we have discovered while spending time together that she and her husband sleep through their baby crying because they are so tired

amother

Blue

Wed, Nov 08 2023, 1:20 am

tichellady wrote:

I nurse my babies to sleep and tend to them throughout the night as needed. They don’t cry to sleep.

amother

Lightgray

Wed, Nov 08 2023, 8:38 am

Quote: I nurse my babies to sleep and tend to them throughout the night as needed. They don’t cry to sleep.

You nurse an 18 month old to sleep? What if an 18 month old is no longer nursing for whatever reason? It's been a while, but my recollection is that my 18 month olds were extremely active and rocking them to sleep in my arms when they were resisting naps would not have worked--they would have squirmed away from me and run away.

Do your 18 month olds not nap unless they fall asleep in the car or stroller?

amother

Taupe

Wed, Nov 08 2023, 8:42 am

amother Lightgray wrote:

that's ok if you find things that work for you. it doesn't need to be the examples I gave or else letting them cry it out.

icedcoffee

Wed, Nov 08 2023, 9:40 am

Add me to the list of people confused by this thread. There is nothing traumatic about a cranky, overtired toddler needing a few minutes to cry to get to sleep. You don't throw a baby in a dark cold cellar and then leave to go clubbing, but a "hey honey, mommy loves you, shhh you're so tired, go to sleep, I'll see you soon" is absolutely normal. That is not CIO. I genuinely don't understand what some people are suggesting the next step should be if it's time for a tired toddler's nap, you walk out of their bedroom and they start crying but you know they'll conk out within a few minutes.