Grrr... hosting Sheva Brocha.... difficult Kallah

bubby

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 12:41 pm

Separate seating doesn't mean separate rooms (see tznius laundry thread!! LOL

) If the wedding is eparate it shouldn't be an issue. If it still is, I agree with punkfakert: in my house, as it is for DS & his kallah (3 weeks to go!!!) it would be a deal-breaker.

Liba

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 1:00 pm

It is a seudas mitzvah not a family meal, but if there is a way to offer that she and her chosson will be sitting near each other maybe that will make her feel more comfortable?

You do need to be clear about what you are comfortable with, and what you are not, what is possible and what is not and give her the option of finding a different host if she isn't happy with what you can do.

Do it now. If you wait it will only get harder and more uncomfortable for you and you will look bad if you have to back out at the last minute because you can't meet her demands.

melbee

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 1:16 pm

Do you know other people on her guest list? Even if you shorten it down, you can talk to some of the others on the list and ask them to contribute something (drinks, a side, dessert). In my experience, SBs are often a communal effort, not just one person or family doing the whole thing! And usually friends of the C/K are more than happy to contribute.

amother

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 1:46 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

I definitely think she's going overboard with her demands, but I would definitely be annoyed if my sheva brachos had to have separate seating. I'd want to know about this condition from the beginning and probably wouldn't take that person up on their offer if it had to be separate.

I wanted mixed seating so that I could sit with DH because in my hometown, he didn't know anyone, and in his hometown, I didn't. HOWEVER, people were graciously making us sheva brachos, and so we went with the flow in regards to EVERYTHING. Some were mixed and some were separate - for the separate ones, we each ended up sitting with one or two people we knew, like MIL, FIL, etc., so that was enough.

punktfarkert

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 1:48 pm

bubby wrote:

Separate seating doesn't mean separate rooms.

According to hilchos tznius, sure. But different people have different setups in their homes and do things differently - and sometimes men and women do end up in separate rooms. Wink

amother

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 3:16 pm

I guess there are different ways of doing things in different communities, but my understanding in general is that the ones hosting the sheva brochas are the ones who decide the guest list and the menu. Sure, it's nice to ask the kallah and choson if there are particular relatives or friends who they really want to be included (I always do this and then just add a few of my own guests) but never have I heard that they make the guest list of who you are going to invite. I've only done this for friends 3x over the years, but each time the couple has just been very gracious and appreciative and made zero demands. I really cannot imagine. It's just so pushy and rude. But maybe if she's your good friend you might want to just put up with it. I don't know. But I don't think you'd be out of line to set her straight on one or more of those demands she's making of you.

busydev

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 3:41 pm

Just about the seperate seating. is it possible that you have seperate except for the chosson kalla? I have been to places that did that. one of my sheva brachos there was a "ches" format. men on one side of teh ches, women on the other. me and my husband in the center and my parents across from us (we were the split between men and women...

someoneoutthere

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 3:42 pm

(I wish someone would have remembered what they ate at my wedding and coordinated for sheva brachos. We had sorbet/ice cream for dessert for 7 days straight, in December.)

She needs to be told simply "This is when I can do it" and if it doesn't work out for her schedule, then c'est la vie. As for the seating issue- considering that there is a clear halachic issue regarding saying "shehasimcha bim'ono" at a mixed affair, (For easy reference, look in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 149:1)) you should must be very clear about what standards you will allow in your home. Again, take it or leave it.
I have made sheva brachos for frum and not so frum couples and we have always had separate seating, even if separate meant 2 tables end to end, women on one table and men on the other. (At some of my own sheva brachos it was my chosson and I next to each other at the head and men all down his side, women all down mine. Not something I would do in my own home, but also works)

amother

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 3:48 pm

busydev wrote:

Op here:
That was our plan and they were still against it!!!!

busydev

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 3:51 pm

well its your house so to bad on them. I agree with what everyone said. tell her I can host but I need to know when, I can have only x amount of people and will take your list into account and I will take care of everything. you just need to show up! if she wants she can give you the number of the person hosting the night before so you can make sure you are not serving the exact same thing... but other then that....

DefyGravity

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 3:51 pm

I assumed that even with separate seating the chosson and kallah would still be sitting together.

Last separate seating Sheva Brachos I went to was extremely uncomfortable b/c I didn't know anyone other than my husband so I had to sit with a bunch of women I didn't know. I ended up leaving early because I felt so awkward.

People should realize that oftentimes at these events, people go knowing only their husbands. At least let me know when I'm invited that I won't be sitting with him so I know not to attend.

I really don't understand what people think will happen if couples and singles are sitting together. Will there be a big orgy? Will, G-d forbid, some singles start talking to each other and maybe hit it off and get a date out of the deal? I've gone to a couple of meals and sheva brachos in my time with mixed seating and nothing untoward happened.

Last edited by DefyGravity on Wed, Apr 28 2010, 3:56 pm; edited 1 time in total

Meema2Kids

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 3:59 pm

How about saying: "You have plenty to worry about, planning your chasuna! Just let me take care of this and don't worry about it" with a smile. You know her concerns and can decide which you are comfortable with. Give her a deadline on selecting the day, saying that you have to send out invitations, order food, etc.

Queen18

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 4:24 pm

At the risk of being a lone voice here, I think that as she is the Kallah and you are doing this for her, her wishes should be taken into account as much as possible. Obviously, if it's something you just can NOT accomodate or are really adverse to, such as an expensive menu request, or asking you to have way more people than your space can accomodate, you can't do that. However, within reason, where possible, do what she asks. It's her wedding, it's her sheva brochos and remember what this is about. For whatever reason she is nervous about this, and don't let it be on her head before the wedding. I am not condoning her. As a matter of fact her behaviour sounds kind of vulgar and she should be more grateful for your efforts.

busydev

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 4:38 pm

but queen18 you just said you disagree and then agreed.
the requests were- having to many guests, having certain foods, and not having mixed seating
all of which the OP cannot accomodate. for $$ reasons and for hashkafa reasons.

also the kalla should stop moving around the date...

Queen18

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 4:54 pm

OP never said that expensive food was being requested. The request was that the menu be varied from the night before. She exclaimed about the number of people but did not say she could not handle it or come to some kind of compromise on the amount of people invited. I can't comment on the hashkafik issue. My only statement is that where possible she should try to allay the kallah's nervousness and do things to make her feel happy despite her bad behavior.

bubby

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 5:36 pm

In all my kids' SB they never sat together. They don't sit together at the wedding either, but I've been to very frum weddings where they do. I think it's called a sweetheart table. So it's a cultural/Chassidish thing, perhaps.

opinionatedbubby

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 8:32 pm

In all of the sheva brochos I 've made (a lot) seating was separate, since it is a seudas mitzva, pretty much no matter what the chosson and kallah felt. But in every one, the choson and kallah sat together, usually with the parents of both sides, like at the chasunah. And we're pretty yeshivish, relatively speaking.

Your home, your standards, especially something as basic as mixed seating.

I don't see it as such a problem, technically. (But I see that the mechanics are not the issue here.) Nonetheless, a.) if there are many tables, some for men, some for women, you can set up a small head table with, as I said, the chosson, kallah, and parents. A card table or two card tables together would do it. b.) if the plan is one long table, the chosson and kallah can be together in the middle, men to the left, women to the right, or whatever, across from the chosson and kallah goes one other lucky couple, probably the host and hostess.

If the men and women have to be in separate rooms, be sure the speakers are visible to both, if possible, and if you do a mini-head table in the mens' room, and the parents aren't there, put the hostess, and host (lucky again) by the head table, so the kallah won't be the only woman.

Maybe this is all very obvious, but you never know.

Soph

Wed, Apr 28 2010, 8:47 pm

ok....I know I can be wrong by saying this, but here is a golden oportunity to be mesameach jatan ve kala even if it hurts/bother you, wich makes it a huuuuuge mitza all by itself!! as long as it doesnt make u loose money, or anything like that, go ahead and close ur eyes breathe deeply and smile...(u can then go to a restroom near by and scream ur lungs out Twisted Evil

) but then again, about the seating part u can definetly be a little more tough... u can do no mechitza but do separate tables, one next to the other? or smth like that (due to the fact that that interferes with religious issues and not just "ur issues" (sorry if it sounded bad)
so go ahead make them happy, even if they dont know it now, dont appreciate it and dont thank you...Hashem knows...you know..and BH their neshamot will know and will testify infront of Ha Kadsh Baruj Hu of the gr8 mitzva u did.