Who makes more money than their husband?

Toriadore

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 5:42 pm

abby1776 wrote:

e its much harder to clean and cook and take care of children then it is to go to an office and sit behind a computer all day.

I have had the same exact words come out of my mouth!!!! When I go to the office, I don't want to leave. It's way easier to sit in front of a computer.

DH though HATES working.

We moved a few weeks ago and I told DH I am too busy with work to pack, that he has to take off instead of me. And he LOVED it. He would much rather pack and move boxes than go to the office. To me, that would be torture. I much much rather work. But I pretty much rather work than do anything.

have you encountered any "male ego" issues since you switched roles? in the beginning? Or was DH totally ok with it?

becuase truth---if we moved to a less expensive neighborhood (where I don't need to have a 5k mortgage), we could live on my salary alone. He would go back to learning, maybe learn one seder and take care of kids in the afternoon. But I would still need to shop and cook.

But I dont know if his male ego can handle that being an official thing.

Ruchel

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 6:01 pm

Gosh I also find (non physical) work easier! everyone around me who has been sahp and working parent says so.

I live in an area with many frum people. Many men "learn at home", go (or not, or sometimes...) to a kollel, have a small kodesh job, or work until they have worked enough for unemployment money... and the wife works/part time/for unemployment money/not. It doesn't seem to bother their ego because it is not tied to that.

Most drive and pick up kids (90% dads at my dd's schol). Most do/help with general errands, Friday errands and preparing shabbes (no seder at kollels Friday afternoon, longer in summer sometimes), on sunday also "lighter" sedarim and like half are not attending bc of the kids...
source: experiences in various countries

On contrary in more modern circles it's called SAHD and more n more common.

abby1776

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 7:21 pm

To Toriadore - I think it does bother my husband sometimes because it is hard and it is lonely. I think if he had more time for learning it would make him happier, but there is a reason that women don't have the chiyuv to learn or to do mitzvot shot zmania - because taking care of kids is hard work and full time. You cannot tell a five month old - wait a minute I need to finish this Daf before feeding you.

I think my husband was happier before I had the baby when the older kids where in school all day and he had lots of time to learn and to do other things. The kids were in school from 8:30 to 4. I keep telling him to get some childcare, even if its one or two days a week - because Gd knows I would want a babysitter one or two days a week if I stayed home - but he has to be macho and is like no I can handle it.

amother

Tue, Jul 12 2011, 7:44 pm

When we were dating, I was making a lot more then my husband. I left my job (in a professional world where I definitely could have moved up) to move to where he lived in a different country. Because of language barriers, I did not reenter my field right away and by the time I got the confidence, I was home with a few little kids. By the time it hit me how much I missed my job and what I gave up, I had already lost a lot of my knowledge and would have to retrained to go back to my job (not even knowing if I'd find a job in that field now)
I definitely have days that I feel bad (even get emotional) about giving it all up, however, BH my husband has built his way up in his job and is now making a good living to support us even without my working.
That being said, I don't my husband would be bothered had I stayed in that career and been bringing home more money then him. He actually is proud that I'm higher educated then him.

amother

Wed, Jul 13 2011, 4:02 pm

I make more than DH right now, but that is because in my field, the starting salary is quite high but doesn't (usually) go up too much from there. DH's field starts with a more conservative salary but it goes up pretty steadily for most. He will most probably end up making more than me within a few years, please God.
What does salary have to do with respect? Both of us could have chosen different fields that pay more or less than our current ones, but why would that make us more or less worthy of respect from each other?

amother

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 7:29 am

amother wrote:

I could have written this post word to word.
However, I felt that DH felt low/frustrated as he had much more experience in his field and earning "peanuts" compared to what I was earning as a complete novice, and as supportive as I could be, it did drain him down.

DH is a great great person and I have respected him and looked up at him for a dozen of years, but as a recently sahm for the first time, I actually do feel another sort of respect for him being the breadwinner.

mimivan

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 8:33 am

yes, I did because my dh always refused to get a real job. Good thing I got used to earning money, b'h since he says he isn't going to pay any child support (I.e. waiting for a get...not any time soon)

IMHO, even if a wife works, a man should bring in SOMETHING. It is in the ketubah and there must be a reason Hashem wanted men to support their families..to bring out their chesed for their families (women have this naturally) to feel they have something invested in their marriage and kids by actually working to feed them etc...

Of course men in kollel bring home a stipend, which I think is mainly symbolic of this obligation but is something...no criticisms there if they are actually learning in kollel.

But a man should never use the excuse "I won't work because you earn more anyway" as a way to get out of his Torah obligation.

(as far as your question if a wife can buy whatever she wants if she is the breadwinner, I asked a rav and he said "No." This does not give the wife a license to do whatever she wants with the money. All the more reason it is better for the man to at least bring in some of it)

amother

Thu, Jul 14 2011, 11:50 am

My DH and I have been married a little over a year. I make about 2.5X his salary and likely always will because of our fields and education levels. I didn't realize how much of a problem this would be! Its hard enough adjusting to life with another person but dealing with his ego in this aspect has added considerable stress! I often feel that I should have more of a say because I pay for everything (literally- his entire salary goes to paying off his private student loan). I try to be understanding but I am also older and have lived on my own before where as he went right from home to a dorm to marriage so I feel that he should trust my experience. I struggle with this constantly because honestly he works harder but I have serious droughts about weather or not we will be able to make this marriage work.

Toriadore

Thu, Jul 21 2011, 7:06 pm

Last week, I had a really bad disagreement with my boss, and I wished I could just say "see ya later," but I can't because I'm the (only) breadwinner. (now things are back to normal with job)

If my husband was working hard, and simply had a smaller salary, I would respect him--but he avoids going to work (he's on commission, so no one misses him when he isn't working, but he hasn't really worked consistently for one full year) because he says it gives him "anxiety"

Now, my old job that I previously left, recently fired my replacement. I ran taking it back on as a "extra freelance gig" once, but I wasn't completely serious because I am so overextended.

So last night, DH tells me that I should take on the other job also, and he will be "Mr. Mom" and perhaps go back to learning (we started off marriage with him in kollel), since I love working and he hates working!!!!!!!

For the first few years after kollel, he was making 80 percent of the money....but my career progressed since then....