Bar Mitzvah gift for Nephew - is this a crazy request

freidasima

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 2:34 pm

Isramom, Raisin, Orchid, I'm not good at emoticons but here's a thumbs up, a yasher koach, kol hakavod, terrific.

But will he appreciate it?
Yeah, right...

In my day one said two things.
To the parents one said "buy him an umbrella not a sefer and you can be sure he will open it at least".
To the kids one said "buy him a one year's subscription to playboy he will never forget you".

Just kidding. DO NOT REPORT THIS POST...I was JUST KIDDING!

Now seriously, it's a no win. So do what you want.
If you cause a family broigez you are sunk. If you give what you really want you are sunk. If you give the kid what he wants you are sunk. If you give what his mother wants you are sunk.

What kind of sforim does $100 buy these days? How is his hebrew? One of the most unappreciated initially but very much appreciated later bas mitzva gifts I got - a beautiful copy of mesilas yeshorim with translation. It was 40 years ago, it sat on the shelf for a goodly time after my bas mitzva but eventually it got used. And then again. And again.

so one never knowns.

Isramom8

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 2:41 pm

It should be a given that if a bar mitzva bachur or bat mitzva bachura gets to keep monetary gifts, he or she maasers the money and gives tzedaka with it. He or she should choose where.

One thing that made my boys feel proud was to use bar mitzva money to buy their own bookcases to hold their new sefarim. No one gave a bookcase as a gift. They felt ten feet tall buying their own. They own them. Each boy has the right to take his bookcase with him when he gets married/moves out.

middy

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 2:45 pm

freidasima wrote:

this is hysterical!!!!!!!!!!

Ruchel

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 9:00 am

Isramom8 wrote:

It should be a given that if a bar mitzva bachur or bat mitzva bachura gets to keep monetary gifts, he or she maasers the money and gives tzedaka with it. He or she should choose where.

I don't know anyone who gave away the money (if the parents didnt take it to cover the costs)

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 9:22 am

Ruchel wrote:

Isramom8 wrote:

It should be a given that if a bar mitzva bachur or bat mitzva bachura gets to keep monetary gifts, he or she maasers the money and gives tzedaka with it. He or she should choose where.

I don't know anyone who gave away the money (if the parents didnt take it to cover the costs)

I rarely discuss the details of family finances with anyone, but I assume that most families do what we do and what my parents did - budget our own money for the celebration expenses, while gifts for the child go into his/her own savings. People write checks to the child, not the parents. The OP's nephew's mother requested the money for her son's college fund, not the dinner-dance fund.

Of course it's a given that the recipient give tzedaka, and bar mitzvah is an ideal time to learn to make more sophisticated decisions.

Ruchel

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 9:52 am

I do not think it is a given around me at all that the child has to give the money or will give it voluntarily.

I also think most people pay for the bar mitsva without taking the child's money but not all, from what I know.

Isramom8

Sat, Jan 28 2012, 1:58 pm

Many Israelis use the bar mitzvah monetary gifts to pay for the celebration. My friend received a psak that using the monetary gifts is okay, but the boy gets to keep any sefarim and non-monetary gifts that are given.

It's accepted that those who need to do this, do this. The boys think it's normal.

israelimom

Sat, Jan 28 2012, 3:10 pm

Question: You said this was your only nephew; I'm assuming that you have nieces? If so, one thing to consider is that with the first simcha, you sort of set a precedent for future gifts (esp. if your nieces are siblings of the BM boy). Give $250 to this kid, and you might be setting yourself up for a lot of $250s in the future.

Ruchel

Sat, Jan 28 2012, 3:25 pm

israelimom wrote:

True that. Unless her circles give smaller bat mitsva gifts.

amother

Sat, Jan 28 2012, 4:00 pm

My parents took all monetary bar/bat mitzvah gifts to cover the celebration. The kids got to keep any gifts that weren't money. I only remember one kid complaining and he was quickly silenced by his siblings who pointed out that his parents have spent much more money on him over the years.

tsiggelle

Sat, Jan 28 2012, 6:18 pm

Ruchel wrote:

israelimom wrote:

True that. Unless her circles give smaller bat mitsva gifts.

a bar/bat mitsva is not the only occasion people give gifts on. it is a lot more than 250 multiplied by the number of neices and nephews.

be careful of setting too high a standard