She's trying to join our lunch group...

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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granolamom

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 7:50 pm

Monsey Mom wrote:

OK, I'm going to disagree here, sorry.

I understand and appreciate your small warm group. I love those, too. But this is in a public workplace. If you need to do this, do it on your "off time". If it means so much to you all, then get together after hours.

I know it's much easier to grab this lunchtime opportunity. But it's not right to exclude another person.

I don't think hurting another's feelings is worth the pleasure of your group.

that's what I was thinking

adina

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 8:38 pm

I'm amused that grandma's still have these problems Smile

ElTam

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 9:51 pm

Quote:

To be honest, whenever I see threads here encouraging lonely women to ~just go out and meet people~ or ~just introduce yourself and start chatting~, the scenario depicted by OP is the first thing that comes to my mind. People may be polite on the outside, but inside they are just trying to think of ways to get rid of you. And this is why, 6 months into living in a new city, I am extremely wary of putting myself out there and trying to connect with people. And, yes, I am lonely, and it hurts a lot, but I have to say that this post just reinforced every single insecurity I have about trying to make friends.

Amother, please note that the OP has gotten virtually no support for her position. Unfortunately, there are people like the OP who don't think, "well, I don't know this person and she's probably feeling lonely and I could be concerned only with myself and my established friends or I could reach out and find out what's nice and interesting about this new person I don't know and I think I'll do the latter." It is hard to put yourself out there, but you will meet nice people who are willing to get to know you. Feel free to PM me if you are in Ohio.

SingALong

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 10:24 pm

Hey OP

you mentioned that this girl just started showing up out of the blue and you don't know why. could it be that one of your group invited her in a offhand way and she took it seriously enough to start coming every single day?

also out of the blue she joined you after several years, with whom did she eat until now, like what changed? did her usual lunch partner maybe leave work? or her usual lunchroom being utilised for something at work and she doesnt have another pace to go eat.,..

trying to be DLZ here...also maybe finding out these things can help you figure out why she suddenly started joining you...

Raizle

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 11:32 pm

ElTam wrote:

Quote:

looks like she's gotten quite a bit of support to me Confused

I'm pretty shocked to have read a thread like this on an adult's website. It's something I would expected to come from teenagers

Raizle

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 11:34 pm

SingALong wrote:

Maybe she's trying a social experiment!!

amother

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 11:37 pm

This all sounds very familiar! Where have I heard it before? Oh! My high school students!

And you know what's funny? We expect them to act grown up and include the girls who are not part of the "in" crowd!!

Basimcha

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 12:42 am

I totally agree with MonseyMom.

I really can't understood how someone wouldn't think of other people's feeling!!!

Pashence

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 1:52 am

so, OP, any feedback to all ur hearing? I feel like its just getting repeated a bazillion times... but its pretty clear cut what WE think.. how bout u?

amother

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 1:53 am

amother wrote:

This!

And I've been in my "new" community for over 3 years Confused

celestial

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 2:13 am

Oh my gosh, come on. Wanting privacy with your friends and not have someone from an entirely different generation crash your party does not have to be unique to teenagers, and it isn't immature.

Inspired

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 2:17 am

celestial wrote:

Oh my gosh, come on. Wanting privacy with your friends and not have someone from an entirely different generation crash your party does not have to be unique to teenagers, and it isn't immature.

Privacy with your friends is for private places on your own time. Not at work. At work you act social and kind to all fellow workers. It is immature to not understand that at work you don't get to form your own social club and exclude people from public work areas.

celestial

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 2:19 am

Inspired wrote:

celestial wrote:

Oh my gosh, come on. Wanting privacy with your friends and not have someone from an entirely different generation crash your party does not have to be unique to teenagers, and it isn't immature.

I think that's why the OP is asking for suggestions. She does not want to be unkind, but it's an awkward situation.

Inspired

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 2:25 am

Two managers have said that expecting to have a private lunch club and exclude this employee would not be appropriate. It just isn't acceptable. It is unkind, there is no way around that.

celestial

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 2:31 am

I think the situation is a little more complex than that. Unless this younger woman is socially inept, I don't think she would particularly want to join these women if she only knew the nature of their lunches and what she was disrupting. Imagine two women having a private conversation near the water cooler, and some random person they work with comes up and makes small talk. Do they have a right to shoo him away? Absolutely not, that would be unkind. If the man were more aware, or if the women gave nonverbal clues they were enjoying some socializing among close friends, the man may feel he prefers to give them their privacy, even if they don't have an intrinsic right to it in the workplace.

amother

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 3:01 am

I am the amother who posted about being lonely.

First off, Eitam, thank you for the very sweet offer; unfortunately I am nowhere near Ohio.

I do see several commenters here generally supportive of what OP wants to do, giving her advice on how to get that annoying girl to go away.

I guess this kind of hits a nerve, and I know it's not really a black and white topic. Speaking personally, I understand that people have their own groups of friends and their own lives, and many don't have the time or energy to reach out to strangers beyond a polite greeting and a smile. Nobody's trying to be mean girls and to exclude people, but no one has the koach or any particular desire to be purposefully inclusive. And maybe I'm overly sensitive, but I do sense this from people I meet - they'll be polite and nice but they don't have any interest in doing anything together, or talking really. So I do the polite chit chat thing and don't put myself forward. And I understand that no one's obligated or anything; but this is really hard to deal with.

Second lonely amother, really? 3 years? I may have no hope here...

celestial

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 3:08 am

I think you're right that it's really important to be inclusive. I'm sorry that you feel left out. Maybe this thread can help you realize that it's not always personal when someone is excluded; sometimes people just like and appreciate familiar safe surroundings with people they identify with.

If you are in the New York area we can be friends Smile

ally

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 3:31 am

celestial wrote:

There is a difference between a private conversation by the watercooler once in a blue moon (which still isn't the most appropriate place for a private chat) and a regular lunch date.
Its nice that the OP and her friends have what they have, but it is inappropriate (as well as unkind and childish) to exclude other co workers, especially if the lunch break is taking place on work premises. It doesn't promote a good work environment which is the primary purpose of socializing in the workplace.

celestial

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 3:39 am

ally wrote:

celestial wrote:

The point I was trying to make was not about a water cooler specifically, but just the nature of private conversations in the workplace. Do you have a right to it? Probably not. Would someone want to willingly disrupt it? I doubt it. Even if it were a regular thing.

amother

Fri, Jan 27 2012, 4:34 am

celestial wrote:

Celestial, thank you for trying to understand. This is exactly the situation. This girl, who might not be socially inept, but is a bit thick, does not realise when she is intruding. She's rather notorious for going into various offices to chat, and will stand there and listen even when it's obvious she's come upon a private conversation. She'll join in and comment, and no one "kicks her out" even though we think she's out of line, because we don't want to hurt her feelings. We just try to change the subject. But do we have to do this at lunch as well? Can't we have our small pocket of private time once a day?

Here's how it works at our company- there are different groups that eat together- each group uses an empty office and closes the door. I would never dream of just opening another group's door and sitting down at the table- even a group made up of people I'm friendly with- for the same reason it bothers us that this girl is doing that to us. Because I know that this group has been sitting together for years and during lunch they like to kick back and talk about personal things. In fact, I can't think of anyone in the whole company who would do such a thing, but as I said, this girl is a bit thick.

We don't want to be mean to her. We are not "mean girls" even though everyone who's responded so far thinks we are nasty pieces of work (easy to say, but I'll bet if any of you had this same situation, you'd be writing to Imamother looking for advice). I get that we have no intrinsic right to privacy at work- but do we have no other choice than to sit with this girl forever? We don't want to get together after work- most of us don't live near eachother and we're all busy with our own families. We cherish lunchtime as a time to talk about personal matters. Do we have to give that up and talk about shallow things forever, just so we won't hurt this girl's feelings? Must we pity her until we retire?

We've been thinking that one of us will take her aside and very kindly and compassionately explain to her that it's nothing personal, but we want to be able to discuss personal things and someone (anyone, not just her) else sitting with us makes that impossible. I think you're right, Celestial, that she wouldn't want to join us if she realised that this were the case. I'm not even sure she'd be offended, because it's a perfectly reasonable explanation, especially if the person explaining this did it as kindly as possible.

She does have a group of her own to eat with, so there's no chance she'll be at loose ends. I think she's been coming to us because some of the people in her group have retired or left the company and she wants to try something new.

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