Do you reward your kid if they have a great report card?

Merrymom

Tue, Dec 18 2012, 9:48 pm

yksraya wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

Yes and no. I don't reward for the particular grades but definitely I reward my children that do exceptionally well. I've taken them out of school just to do things together because they're good students and I know they will easily make up whatever they miss. My kids that aren't good students do not get off, they can't afford to miss class. Let me tell you, it's a very motivating reason for them to do well.

I would NEVER do that. an underachiever should not be made to feel less special then his/her above average sibling. and kid can harbor much resentment.

But an overachiever shouldn't have to pay the price either. Exceptional work is rewarded, that's how life works. It's not about making all our children share equally and declaring everyone a winner. I don't compliment bad artwork, I make suggestions about how they can improve it. When it's done well I praise them to the moon. I don't see the point of being phony or punishing those who really deserve something extra for all their extra effort and diligence. Sure, it might not come easily to some, and they have their own time for fun and rewards, but not at the price of hurting their schoolwork.

eschaya

Tue, Dec 18 2012, 10:18 pm

I downplay the entire report card thing. I davka don't run to open the envelopes as soon as the child hands it to me. Today when DD asked me if she got good grades, I asked her in return if she feels like she knows her stuff and is doing well. When she told me she thought so, I responded that her teachers think so too. However, tonight at parent-teacher conferences her teachers told me such nice things about her middos and interpersonal skills that I feel like THIS is something that should be noted, so I put a chocolate covered pretzel in her lunch with a note about the nice things I heard. But even in my "reward " (it's not, it's more of a token) I play it down.
If you exaggeratedly reward a behavior I feel like it takes away from the intrinsic rewards that behavior or achievement comprises. If I shower my child with gifts for doing well on her report card I am giving the message that I do not expect her to do well. If I gush lavishly over an act of chessed she does I am telling her that I find her action unusual. Of course I want to acknowledge and express pride when she does something good or well, but I want her to know that I was confident - and always assumed - that she would do well and do good.
Of course, if a child is struggling with something and then works really hard and achieves her goal I will reward that much more strongly.

Merrymom

Tue, Dec 18 2012, 10:30 pm

eschaya wrote:

Why do our children not deserve compliments and rewards just like adults. Imagine if you made delicious challah and a yummy potato kugel and everyone just ate it and asked you if you thought you prepared well for Shabbos. You'd be extremely insulted that nobody is acknowledging all your effort!

yksraya

Tue, Dec 18 2012, 10:34 pm

Merrymom wrote:

yksraya wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

I would NEVER do that. an underachiever should not be made to feel less special then his/her above average sibling. and kid can harbor much resentment.

you think that one sister doesn't feel resentful if the other sister always get's to go with mom instead of school and no matter how hard she tries you will not take her because she can't afford to miss school?

amother

Tue, Dec 18 2012, 10:45 pm

Merrymom wrote:

OUCH!
My overachiever sister and I the underachiever, were one grade apart.
Try as hard as I could, I did not do well.
I think you should reevaluate this system, it can really kill.
I reward for effort, not for marks. For some the 100 comes easily, for others the 70 takes great effort.
It would have killed me to see my sister galavanting with my mother because she did well, while I was stuck in school after all the effort I put in.
Just my 2 cents.

Merrymom

Wed, Dec 19 2012, 12:22 am

yksraya wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

yksraya wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

I would NEVER do that. an underachiever should not be made to feel less special then his/her above average sibling. and kid can harbor much resentment.

I spend individual time with all my kids, taking them out to lunch, etc. I will not allow them to have this private time during school hours unless I'm confident that it would not set them back. They understand that as well as I do. It's already very obvious that a couple of my kids breeze through everything kay"h. If I didn't do a thing, that would still be obvious. Truth is that they're very close and don't have much sibling rivalry to begin with B"H. It's not like one is getting and the other is not, rather one is getting to have this reward at a particular time (granted that's a reward in of itself to a bored kid).

eschaya

Wed, Dec 19 2012, 11:27 am

Merrymom wrote:

eschaya wrote:

hold on. When did I say I never compliment or give rewards? I compliment actions, I reward behaviors. I noted above that I put an "I'm proud of you" note in dd's lunch along with a treat upon hearing about her middos tovos and interpersonal behaviors from her teachers. I compliment my children's efforts all the time. I just have learned that a private handsqueeze and whispered "Good job" or "I'm proud of what you just did" or "That wasn't easy, but you just..." etc goes a lot farther in building the child's positive sense of self than cheerleader parenting does. I also want my children to do things (ie; do well in school at this stage in life, hopefully achieve greater things later) because they want to and feel proud of themselves, not to get a few bucks or lavish praise. I try, when one of my children works hard and achieves, to highlight for them the internal feeling that comes along with success. I can say something like, "wow, you worked really hard and were able to xyz. That must feel really good. You are probably proud of yourself." Hopefully, if my children learn to compliment themselves, and to feel that they are good and capable human beings, then they will strive to do well and t do right even when I am not around to hand out lollipops or cash , with my cheerleader pompoms in hand.
As I noted above, obviously the circumstance is different when a child is struggling in a particular area and then works very hard and achieves in that particular area. In that case, incentives and rewards are very much in order. B"h in my family, doing well academically does not fall in this category, and I therefore do not feel that a reward for a great report card is in order. I do not compliment every perfect test. However, Dd's handwriting is atrocious and she usually has no inclination to work on it. When I recently noted some work that was done carefully and meticulously, you bet I made sure to acknowledge it, focusing on her efforts and how all her hard work paid off in a beautiful looking assignment. For a kid who usually gets Cs and then noticeably works hard and achieves Bs, yah, for that particular child I would reward that report card, though more likely I'd put a small toy with an "I'm proud of you note" under her pillow or some other surprise location (just more my style).

Fox

Wed, Dec 19 2012, 12:36 pm

I completely understand MerryMom's point about the reality of results-based performance. I think most of us cringe when we see examples of parents or schools who lavish praise and compliments that are not truly earned. However, I think it's important for parents to recognize that they have specific jobs -- and their jobs are different from the jobs of teachers, bosses, spouses, etc.

Many years ago, this lesson was driven home to me: I was staying in the local children's hospital with my DD, a"h, after one of her many surgeries. We were in a ward of four patients, one of whom was a beautiful 14-year-old girl who had fallen down a flight of stairs, hit her head, and was comatose and not expected to live. Her entire extended family held court, talking to her and encouraging her, telling her all the exciting things they would do the following summer.

The physicians and residents were concerned: the girl had only a flicker of brain activity, and the chances of her recovering were, b'derech teveh, almost nonexistent. They worried that the family, and especially the mother, either didn't understand the gravity of her situation or were "in denial." Yet the mother seemed to listen and understand everything they told her. Finally, a particularly intrepid resident decided to lay things on the line. He approached the mother and told her, point-blank, that her daughter would never do any of the things the family talked about; that, in fact, she would almost certainly die soon.

I will never forget the mother's response, rendered in her thick Mexican-Spanish accent: "Yes, doctor, I know. I am her mother. It is my job to be hopeful no matter what. It is your job to know what will probably really happen. We both have to do our jobs."

I think about this story almost daily: there are times when, as a parent, you have to be tough even when the rest of the world is easygoing. There are other times when you have to be gentle when the rest of the world is tough. It doesn't mean that the world is necessarily wrong (though it may be). It just means that, as a parent, your job is different.

That's why I don't believe parents should reward grades, or in fact, get terribly hung up on them. Rewarding results is the "job" of teachers, schools, bosses, etc. Parents shouldn't protect their children from this reality except in egregious situations. But comparing Chaim's progress with Yankel's or with that of their cohort -- even obliquely -- is not a parent's job; that's the teacher's and school's job. The parents' job is to help a child develop good habits and good middos. If that happens, the grades will take care of themselves.

Ultimately, rewarding our children based on others' appraisals is a risky business. It allows outside values, no matter how seemingly benign, free range in our homes. It sends the message to children that we care more about the judgments of other people than what we value ourselves. It suggests that "success" exists only in the short-term, not in the long-run.

Although Karl Marx was not known as a particularly devoted family man by modern standards, I often think that, were he alive today, he might be writing bestselling parenting books. Marxist economic theory postulates that the value of an object is the sum of the materials and labor required to produce it. This is nonsense, as Cubans boiling stones for soup will concur. An object is worth what someone else will give for it.

Families, however, form perfect socialist mini-nations. They work best when members contribute unreservedly based on their abilities and receive benefit according to their needs. They offer a refuge from the harsh invisible hand of the marketplace, allowing labor to be valued regardless of what someone else deems its worth. As parents, we have the job of maintaining a tiny slice of socialist utopia at the same time we prepare and encourage our kids (and ourselves!) to successfully navigate the capitalist reality outside the walls of our homes.

cbg

Wed, Dec 19 2012, 12:57 pm

If you work you expect to get paid.
If your boss tells you good job, with no pay check, you wouldn't stay in that job for long.
If you don't work hard and succeed you might get fired, or not promoted
Both praise and reward are necessary, especially with older kids.
They learn, the better job you do, the more reward you get.
On the other hand if you do poorly, you don't get punished, you just don't get rewarded,
which is punishment enough.
This is just my opinion, I may be wrong.
My kids were all average kids that had to put in a lot of effort to get good grades.
They would complain to me that it wasn't fair
that their friends can look at the material once and have it all memorized.
They would study for hours to get results (A), Instead of settling for a B- or C.
I don't think they would work so hard, if they didn't get a tangible reward.
Of course they always got praise and encouragement, but extra effort deserves a reward.

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 19 2012, 1:00 pm

Fox, what a beautiful post. Brought me to tears.

My kids know that the left side of the report card - where they get graded for conduct, effort, and interaction with their peers - is the most important to me. They would have to answer to anything less than Excellent there.

The right side of their report card, with the subject grades, is where I expect them to perform based on their abilities. So as long as they are not out to lunch, they can expect compliments and encouragement.

I have two school-aged DD's, and they are very different from each other. One puts enormous effort into her school work, and she comes out with a smattering of As and Bs, with various punctuation (+, -, ., etc...). The other puts barely any extra effort into her schoolwork beyond the classroom, homework takes her about 5 minutes, she has time for hobbies on test nights, and she gets straight A's, with a few +.

I have to point out how much I appreciate the teachers that give my hard-working DD a + on the effort side. At least some people recognize how conscientious she is, and how hard it is for her to get that grade, be it an 85 or a 95. I also appreciate that her school has allowed her to shine in other areas - she's creative and talented B"AH.

It's wonderful that Hashem gave my straight A DD the gift of Academic superiority, and no doubt it makes her school years smooth sailing, with lots of compliments and praise from the school staff (and from me too, though more privately - she deserves praise too). But does anyone here seriously think she deserves more compensation (money, prizes, time off from school, whatever) than her sister? And would it benefit her development in middos at all?

Hence I don't reward "great" report cards with prizes....I try to give them each the compliments they need and deserve, and leave it at that.