locked toddler in his room every night to save marriage

simchat

Sun, Dec 23 2012, 7:57 pm

tissues wrote:

Just curious if all those who are so determined to maintain boundaries at bedtime are also so intent on keeping boundaries in other areas such as derech eretz, not giving in to the child's every whim (toys, electronics, etc.), and various behavioral norms.

Or is it only important to maintain boundaries when it's MY sleep, and MY privacy, and MY marriage, and MY time that is being sacrificed?

I really got turned off from the threatening of the spouse. Instead of "let's work this out together", it seems like his attitude is "it's either me or him, take your choice".

Yup.

simchat

Sun, Dec 23 2012, 8:04 pm

ysmommy wrote:

tissues wrote:

MY sleep is important for me to be a good mother

MY privacy and time are important for MY marriage which is important for MY kids sense of security and happiness.

if MY spouse refused to take MY needs into consideration and I was at the brink of a nervous breakdown I can see giving an ultimatum out of desperation.

Totally agree. There`s more to parenting than just the kids. It`s also about how we function as a person and as a family

Culturedpearls

Mon, Dec 24 2012, 2:09 am

Maybe this thread should be moved to "natural parenting"?
Some of us are just regular parents, we enforce boundaries, discipline, control crying & tough love.
Our kids aren't sitting in therapy & you can all go & report us for abuse.
Freidasima where are you? Please give us some therapy statistics of kids emotionally messed up because they couldn't get out of their cribs?

saw50st8

Mon, Dec 24 2012, 6:14 am

When we moved DS from a crib to a bed, the first few nights he would wake up and be lost. He would attempt to wander, not really go anywhere but just be totally disoriented. We put a gate at the door to his room to help define his boundaries. He screamed hysterically at first, but it helped him settle down. Some kids need the boundaries to feel safe.

And I totally sympathize with the parents. Sometiems the needs of the parents trump the needs of the child (and in this case, I really think they BOTH needed the sleep). The existing case didn't seem healthy to either of them. I probably would have stayed in the room with the child until they fell asleep, but no judgement.

One of my kids gets to a point where he goes from angel child to wild demon. Its happens when he is overtired (but by overtired, I mean it could be 20 minutes later than normal or he just didn't sleep well the night before). In order to calm him down, I need to hold him down for 5 minutes. Some people think that's abusive, but we've tried so many different ways and that was the only thing that worked. I wouldn't care if he tried to hit/hurt me, but when he gets like that he hurts his brother and sister.

Parents need to figure out how to parent their own children. Different kids need different methods.

tissues

Mon, Dec 24 2012, 3:57 pm

I'm actually happy to hear from those of you who maintain firm discipline in all areas. I am AP-minded, but by nature more of a disciplinarian in all chinuch issues. And it always bothers me to see the opposite: parents who only know to enforce boundaries when it's convenient for them (cio, locking kids in room, etc.) , and when it's more convenient to "let the baby have the bottle" then suddenly all talk of tough love and importance of boundaries falls away (allowing all kinds of unacceptable social behavior, giving in to any request of "buy me..."). To me that's simply selfish. If it's good for the parents, they spout benefits of toughness. If it's too time, energy, patience, money-consuming, then they're all for not being strict and the importance of flexibility. You can't always take the easier route! Be consistent! Having kids requires work, effort, time, money, is a strain on your marriage. Bottom line: Think of your child. Keep his benefit as your goal. (Not just a btw outcome that he'll also benift in this and this way because of what I'm doing for myself.) That's what it takes to have kids.

farm

Mon, Dec 24 2012, 4:01 pm

I am on board with locking the door if they get to the "wandering around the house" part. It's one thing if they want company or are afraid of the dark or don't want to go to bed when there is too much fun and action. But when it is none of the above and they can happily entertain themselves while everyone else sleeps, that is way too dangerous. Barbara, it is impossible to baby proof a house for a 3 year old. He can drown in the toilet. Unlock a door or window and leave the house. Choke on just about anything. Climb on something or fall off something and break a neck. Play with plugs/wires/appliances. Not everything can be baby-proofed, it is just not possible.