locked toddler in his room every night to save marriage

Mama Bear

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 8:41 pm

Because in a tent, you can still *see* what goes on outside of your daled amos. And your parent can go into the room periodically and talk to the child, soothingly or strictly. But the child isnt running around the room in a panic, hammering on doors, feeling locked in. That's just how I feel. So many ppl suggested that I put my son to sleep on a mattress in his room and put a bolt on the door, instead of a tent. I cant disagree more. To me a tent feels kinder. You *belong* in bed, and if you cant stay in bed, you have to be zippered in. And the door can stay slightly open, and I can hear you, and I can see you, and go in and comfort you when youre having trouble falling asleep. I even let my s.n. son out of the tent if he doesnt seem to be falling asleep, let him knock himself out running back and forth in the house, and eventually quietly lead him back to bed with a bottle of water, a toy, and music in the background. And he lies down, and falls asleep. To shut a big, bold barrier between yourself and the kid and never go in to comfort him when he's screaming, feels way crueler.

Hashemlovesme

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 9:27 pm

ysmommy wrote:

at the risk of being completely bashed

I think they did the right thing. their child was doing things that were a risk to his safety. a child falling down the steps in the middle of the night can break their neck and die. also if they had a nervous breakdown or gotten divorced - then think how much worse off the child would be.

why is what they did any crueler than the cry it out method for babies?

I didn't read all the posts, but I totally agree w/ ysm. What's the dif btwn this & letting a baby in a crib cry it out till she learns to just sleep (after taking care of all her needs of course)? They tried everything else & this was a last resort. And it worked, in just 3 nights. They did the kid a favor by putting a stop to his unhealthy behavior & learn to sleep through the night. I got some flak when I got a "leash" aka child harness (a cute monkey backpack, that dd likes to wear, w/ a long "tail" that I hold onto) for my dd. So cruel huh? well apparently I care about my dd as much as you care about your dog cuz I don't want her wandering away getting lost or hit by a car c"vs..............

Hashemlovesme

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 9:30 pm

Mama Bear wrote:

Sometimes a kid will not relax & stop fighting unless they realize there's no point-it won't work. If you keep coming in to comfort or leave the door open it won't work.

Lati

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 9:38 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

Lati wrote:

I work in a parenting program and if a parent told me they did this, I would have to immediately file a report on them, and depending on the age of child, not let them leave the site until the police arrived.

you do not lock small children alone in a room because you can not handle their sleep issues.

also, if you are a decent spouse, you do not try to leave your wife over an issue with your child.

Tell me, what *should* they do?

You are seriously over reacting. I would love to know who liked your post.

I am honestly disgusted. I lurk a lot here, but this entire thread is basically advocating child abuse. try calling cps and telling them you lock your distressed toddler in a room at night and see how that goes. I am telling you, according to law, in an area I am a professional in, you are not able to do this and if you are caught doing it you will face charges of abuse. simple as that. please go tell cps and all the other associated programs that we are "overreacting" to charges of child abuse- because that is what locking a distressed three year old in a room alone is.

amother

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 9:45 pm

Lati wrote:

What makes you so sure that a 3 year old in this situation is "distressed"? It sounds like he was testing limits.

Sure, he cried some. But so do all kids when their parents enforce bedtime.

IMHopinion

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 9:47 pm

Hashemlovesme wrote:

ysmommy wrote:

IMO, crying it out is just as cruel. I don't understand how parents let a child scream for hours.

marina

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:02 pm

Lati wrote:

MaBelleVie wrote:

Lati wrote:

Tell me, what *should* they do?

You are seriously over reacting. I would love to know who liked your post.

It is possible that locking a child in his room would be against the law in some states. In those places, I imagine it would be fine to have the parent in the room with the child or you can just hold the door handle closed.

In many states, however, there's nothing indicating locking a child for temporary safety is child abuse.

You need to stop hyperventilating.

If you'd like to explain your position more clearly, you can say your state and cite the law or at least the CPS manual.

Last edited by marina on Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:06 pm; edited 1 time in total

bnm

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:02 pm

so for all of you who think you know better I currently have a very similar situation on my hands:

for the past 4 months my daughter (4 years) has been coming out of bed countless times and sleeping in my room. the pediatrican said its behavioral, the allergist claims her tonsils are enlarged due to reflux, the gastra said 'eh, go see an ent', the ent probably won't take them out unless she has other issues, we are scheduled for a sleep study. I can't lock her into her room/tent because she goes to the toilet. if we lock the door to our bedroom she just cries till she wakes up the 18 month old. I didn't get a normal night's sleep the past 2.5 years because the night the baby started sleeping through the night is the night she stopped.

we tried sitting with her till she falls asleep, she wakes up again
letting her fall asleep in our beds and transfering her, she wakes up and comes back
I've observed her while she was sleeping in our room, she can wake up 5 times in an hour.
I've mentioned this to every specialist she has seen and we are scheduled for a sleep study, first available date was sometime in February.

I totally understand the couple in the first post. I have no day, no night. I can't do anything in my own room at night. try having a mikva night with a kid in your room or banging down your door. we are desperately looking to move so we can get her a bigger bed and one parent can sleep with her in another room, we don't even have room for anything beyond a toddler bed in her room.

ora_43

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:06 pm

Lati wrote:

MaBelleVie wrote:

Lati wrote:

Tell me, what *should* they do?

You are seriously over reacting. I would love to know who liked your post.

Where do you live that CPS has the time and resources to interfere in cases of normal, loving parents using this technique? Usually it struggles just to keep up with cases of physical or s-xual abuse.

I know social workers in the states and Israel and I've never heard such a thing. Of course locking your toddler in their room so you can go out and party is an issue, but if I'd had to lock a child in their room to get them to sleep I'd happily tell any of the social workers I know about it with 100% confidence that they wouldn't break up a loving and functional family over it.

amother

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:09 pm

I am ready to take anyone's unwanted crying baby/toddler/child.
Let's call CPS and get all these highly abusive and uncaring parents arrested.
Melatonin is addictive and unhealthy.
Tents and locks are barbaric.
Sleep studies are a waste of time.
They are not meant for children, and even for adults they don't improve anything without a lot of work.
Parents should be up with kids all the time, night after night, until they learn how to sleep properly.
Parents should take parenting courses to help them cope with raising children without resorting to abusive methods.
Parents should think twice before having kids. They should be forewarned about many sleepless nights....

bnm

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:11 pm

amother wrote:

be my guest. FYI the sleep study will probably show sleep apnea- something is waking her, its not a parenting issue over here besides for my sanity being affected too.

Isramom8

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:13 pm

Circumcising a baby takes seconds, not days, and is a direct commandment of Hashem.

Halacha states that it is permiited to break down a door on Shabbos in order to free a child who has become locked in.

I'm NOT minimizing extreme parental exhaustion (been there, done that with a highly allergic baby), but there are other ways. Cosleep with the child in the same room (not necessarily in the same bed), take turns staying up with the child, dose the child with doctor-prescribed melatonin, lock yourself in a room WITH the child etc.

Attitude makes a lot of difference here. What kind of a marriage are these parents saving? One where both parents gang on on overpowering the child? What kind of tone does this set for future family dynamics? A three year old is not going to understand or feel that his parents saved their marriage for him.

marina

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:34 pm

Isramom8 wrote:

Seconds, not days? Who cares? Since when is abuse measured by time? Rape takes seconds, but molestation can take years. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you don't think circumcision is barbaric. You know why you don't? Because there's no research suggesting circumcised children are traumatized for life or have more issues or whatever. Even though it would make sense to say that chopping off a body part might, just might, have some sort of negative effect.

Just like there's no correlation between circumcision and later trauma, so too there is no correlation between locking your kid in for a few hours for a week so he can go to sleep and later trauma. Don't invent correlations that aren't there.

imasinger

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:37 pm

amother wrote:

Oh, yes, lets. Because MamaBear's SN DS would be so much better served by an exhausted parent who slept through the house being burned down. Much less barbaric than a tent.

amother

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:42 pm

imasinger wrote:

amother wrote:

Oh, yes, lets. Because MamaBear's SN DS would be so much better served by an exhausted parent who slept through the house being burned down. Much less barbaric than a tent.

The article is about a regular normal child, not a SN child. There is a huge difference.

ora_43

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:44 pm

amother wrote:

I honestly can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not.

How would either of these things not be way worse for a child than what the parents in the article did? Sure, let's not take a step as dramatic as making a child cry for a few hours - let's hand them over to a stranger, instead. Or let them suffer months of exhaustion (due to their own poor sleep habits) while being parented by exhausted, irritable parents whose marriage is suffering.

amother

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:44 pm

marina wrote:

amother wrote:

To all of you that claim to be good parents despite locking your kids into their rooms, you can only claim that once they are all grown up and you are then totally satisfied. Until then, you don't know what will happen.
I know many grown ups who were traumatized and spend thousands on therapy and still live messed-up lives because of "wonderful parents" who were highly abusive.
Locking your child into their room is a form of abuse.
If you cannot find another way to parent them, it is a serious problem that you should seek help for!

This is a message to all orthodox Jews: You all claim to be good parents, despite chopping off part of your sons' p e n I s without anesthetic, but you can only claim that once they are all grown up and you are then totally satisfied. Until then you don't know what will happen.

I know many grown ups who were traumatized and spend thousands on therapy and still live messed-up lives because of "wonderful parents" who were highly abusive.

Chopping off body parts is a form of abuse.

As long as we don't circumsize girls....piercing their ears is also a form of abuse.

ora_43

Sat, Dec 22 2012, 10:46 pm

Isramom8 wrote:

Attitude makes a lot of difference here. What kind of a marriage are these parents saving? One where both parents gang on on overpowering the child? What kind of tone does this set for future family dynamics? A three year old is not going to understand or feel that his parents saved their marriage for him.

But he'll still benefit enormously from the fact that his parents' marriage was saved. Let alone the fact that he can now more or less sleep through the night.