people keep asking me...

mummiedearest

Fri, Mar 15 2013, 3:00 pm

Barbara wrote:

Sorry, but I don't get the angst.

"I prefer [insert what you're wearing now]."

But you used to ....

"Yes, but now I prefer ...."

Why do you prefer it? You just do. No deep halachic discussions. No dissing anyone else. You prefer.

the angst is because in my community, preference is not a value. you don't wear tichels to any simcha, school function (including interviews for your children), or the block tehillim group. the only response they see as legitimate really is, "my husband holds sheitels are assur." and then they probably pity you.

honestly, I didn't expect so many people to ask me about it. people tend to ignore me if they don't know me well, and if they do know me well, they pretty much know the reason.

I've lived in sheitelville all my life, but I didn't realize this would be such an issue.

mummiedearest

Fri, Mar 15 2013, 3:11 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

I would never think this falls into a "personal" question really. Like the kind you don't discuss with people.

I don't consider it a personal question if you'll accept a basic answer. on the surface, it's really nothing personal. but the expectation apparently is a personal answer. at my dd's school dinner, I sat through an interview with a former english teacher of mine who wanted to know why on earth I would prefer something "less formal" than a sheitel, and oh, yes, I'd love to live in israel, she's sure, they're much more casual over there. but what led to this decision, dear? it's rather unusual, you know. your mother wears a sheitel. don't you think a sheitel is nice? oh, you must not have found the right one yet. you should keep trying, you know. where did you buy your last sheitel? really? is this objection to sheitels because of money? I'm sure you'll change your mind sometime soon. you look lovely in a sheitel, dear. etc.

another teacher asked me, "you don't wear sheitels at all? why not? is the reason comfort, financial, or philosophical?" that was a little less intrusive, but when I answered "all of the above," she sat there waiting for more.

seriously, I never expected this kind of reaction. I don't mind being the weird one in the room, I do mind being interviewed as the weird one in the room.

Isramom8

Sat, Mar 16 2013, 2:45 pm

I don't wear sheitels (although I am in Israel, where this is apparently more common). I just say it's a personal choice, it's "me", I'm just more comfortable this way.

People don't ask me why I don't wear sheitels. Some do things like state, "Oh, you don't wear a sheitel" or suggest that "Look, there's a tzanua sheitel style you could wear". So my answers are, "Right, I don't" and "Oh, I don't want to".

SJcookie

Sat, Mar 16 2013, 2:56 pm

Isramom8 wrote:

People don't ask me why I don't wear sheitels. Some do things like state, "Oh, you don't wear a sheitel" or suggest that "Look, there's a tzanua sheitel style you could wear". So my answers are, "Right, I don't" and "Oh, I don't want to".

Your responses are a lot more politically correct than mine are.
In the rare case, when people ask me why I don't wear wigs, I tell them the real reason. But usually people don't ask me why, and no one has ever tried to convince me to wear a wig.

SJcookie

Sat, Mar 16 2013, 3:05 pm

OP, honestly, I don't see the problem with saying "I've taken it on for tzniut purposes."
If they say something defensive like "what? wigs aren't modest?" you can either answer with your opinion or say "I rather not to discuss it" or "ask your Rav."

It kind of reminds me of when I started wearing tights/socks. So many people decided to comment on it and ask me why.
I never understood why it "bothered" them so much, but I was always happy to answer them with the truth. But I never told them what to do.
And you know what? After explaining, 2 of my friends actually followed my move and also started wearing tights/socks. So, you never know!

Isramom8

Sat, Mar 16 2013, 5:45 pm

SJcookie wrote:

Isramom8 wrote:

But that is the real reason. Wink

Cookies n Cream

Sat, Mar 16 2013, 8:51 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

saw50st8 wrote:

I would never think this falls into a "personal" question really. Like the kind you don't discuss with people.

I think that these people are going to keep on probing no matter what answer you give them, so I wouldn't get into a whole discussion with them especially when there isn't what to discuss.

Dandelion1

Sat, Mar 16 2013, 9:43 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

candyheart wrote:

I dont think there can be a satisfactory one size fits all answer, unfortunately. I think when dealing with someone who you owe a measure of respect, ie ex high school teacher, I would address whatever the actual issue is that they are going for. As in, "yes I know it is a weighted hashkafic issue but I am finding myself siding with the tichel camp these days". It is lovely of you not to want to insult the sheitel wearers but I dont think acknowledging that there is a divide in beliefs does that.

With others who you feel are being pushy because they are looking for a debate so to speak, I might go with snarky, lol.

thanks, candyheart. I think your suggestion is great.

thanks

It is a question I have encountered as well (although not that frequently). It is often hard to know what direction to take it in....

lavender_dew

Sun, Mar 17 2013, 12:11 am

I agree that this really shouldn't be a personal question, but some people turn it into one. I don't mind if someone casually asks why I don't wear a wig.. I'll just say "because we are Sephardic and my husband prefers me to wear a scarf". But that isn't enough for some women. They have to keep asking, or suggesting, or making assumptions about why I don't wear one. It can feel very awkward and it's easy to feel cornered when they won't let it go.

Some comments/questions I've gotten:

"You don't have a wig?? What do you wear to simchas???"
"Oh, but don't you want a nice, s-xy wig? Your husband will love it"
"Well, such-and-such Rabbi says it's ok/better/preferred to wear a wig..."
"A sheital covers your hair much better than a scarf or a hat"
"My mother only ever wore a tichel when she cleaned the house" (ouch...)

My typical responses to inquiries:

"This is just what works for me"
"I can't stand hair in my face or in my way, and a tichel is so much more comfy for me"
"I like being able to change the colors/patterns of my scarves to match my mood and outfits every day"

and one that always seems to leave them flabbergasted: "I feel beautiful in my tichel". I say that because the impression I get is these women who ask all those questions either feel sorry for me or just can't imagine anyone feeling good about themselves without a wig. As long as you're happy with what you're doing, don't let anyone take that away from you! hatzlacha!

rzab

Sun, Mar 17 2013, 7:54 pm

This thread made me really happy because I am so happy to see I am not the only one!

I stopped wearing sheitels about a year and a half ago. Living in a community, and working in a frum environment where most people wouldn't even dream of leaving the house in anything but a sheitel has caused many questions. I have found that I get two types of questions- I wonder if anyone else feels the same. There are some ppl who like to ask a million questions and usually they are looking to start an argument or try to prove to me that it is ridiculous that I don't wear sheitels. The rest of the questions I get come from genuine curiosity. For the first group, I try to give a vague answer and change the convo. I have no interest in arguing for the sake of arguing! For the second group, I find those questions actually give me a lot of chizuk and remind me why I am happy that I cover my hair the way I do.

tzfatisha

Tue, Apr 02 2013, 6:11 pm

you could say
a) myob
b) I like them better
c) I feel vain in a sheital and that's not good for my middot (which is how I (tsfatisha) feel)
d) hats/tickles suit me better
e) sheitals are too expensive
f) I hate to wear someone else's hair
g) I find shietals too hot/uncomfortable
h) I'm not chabad
I) I fancied a change
j) they are more fun
etc

Inspired

Wed, Apr 03 2013, 1:38 am

I never wore a sheitel and got alot of questions when I was a kallah. People who I wasn't close to I just said something like "they just aren't my thing" or "I am not comfortable wearing one", to people I was closer to I explained all my reasons. For people who really just didn't get it or I knew wouldn't get it I just said "because I'm weird".