"So your wife had a c-section?"

ElTam

Wed, Jun 05 2013, 12:26 pm

Ruchel, both parents wear armbands for security purposes.

Generally, if you don't have c-section, you are discharged within 48 hours. It's four days for a c-section with no complications.

OP, I am sorry this happened. I talk about my c-sections with my friends, but I wouldn't want people chatting my DH up about it at shul. Your feelings are normal. But try not to worry about it too much. It sounds like the guy is just clueless.

Last edited by ElTam on Wed, Jun 05 2013, 2:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

Isramom8

Wed, Jun 05 2013, 1:22 pm

I and other women I know were sometimes in the hospital for a week without a C section. Fever or whatever.

You can be evasive. Say "possibly, possibly" like my neighbor always does. Or "she is experiencing veibishe zachen". Or "Mazel tov, mazel tov! It should all be with mazel."

iamamother

Wed, Jun 05 2013, 2:54 pm

Ppl r so stupid sometimes! By me, there r ppl from the kollel hat figure out when wives go to the mikvah!!! I'm not kidding. One time a guy came over to my husband by friday night davening and said "so and so is not here so his wife must have had to go to the mikvah..." Could u imagine!!! And my husband one time came late and he same guy starts "nuuing" him and motioning "like I know he wife went to he mikvah, that's y ur late...." And it happens to be that I didn't not have to go then! Some guys r just so nosy and stupid!!!

imasinger

Wed, Jun 05 2013, 3:04 pm

Isramom8 wrote:

These are great!

out-of-towner

Wed, Jun 05 2013, 3:09 pm

iamamother wrote:

And not Tznuis! Even if you do have reason to suspect such things, for goodness sake keep quiet about it. T"H is one of those things that is known, but NOT discussed! I think that something should be said to such guys... it is SERIOUSLY inappropriate.

cookiejar

Wed, Jun 05 2013, 9:57 pm

I am also totally confused as to why having a c-section is something to be secretive about. I hear that it is weird for men to be talking about your delivery, so I guess you would be posting the same thread if the conversation were "your wife was induced?" or "did she have an epidural?" cause, yes, it is a little creepy (IMHO) for men to be discussing the very intimate details of their wives' deliveries amongst themselves. HOWEVER, that said, I think you are being overly sensitive to the c-section thing. No one cares. And it's not the same as asking "Did your wife tear? How many stitches did she need?" It's not any more personal than any other delivery info, and it seems like you feel like it is this big private fact to be kept under wraps, and I have no idea why... Maybe you just gave birth? Cause I'm overly sensitive about everything right after I give birth...

Clarissa

Wed, Jun 05 2013, 10:00 pm

gold21 wrote:

Maybe he assumes its not something you prefer to keep private, cuz most women that I know don't keep it a secret at all.

I agree 100%. I can't imagine why my c-sections would have been considered a secret. Besides, I think it's kind to inquire about a birth, especially when surgery is involved.

OOTforlife

Wed, Jun 05 2013, 11:01 pm

I'm a woman and I would consider it totally inappropriate to ask another woman any kind of medical labor detail, unless she'd previously regaled me with pregnancy or labor details that made it clear she was happy to be asked such questions. If I was asking for a personal reason because I might need to have a c-section myself, I might intrude in that way on a close friend or a family member, but even then as lightly as possible with appropriate apologies and disclaimers. But just to ask some acquaintance who goes to my shul? No way.

amother

Wed, Jun 05 2013, 11:51 pm

OOTforlife wrote:

OP here. Thanks for saying this, OOTforlife . I find it extremely personal to ask such a question, especially as a starting sentence. I was horrified even in my single days when ppl would nonchalantly mention "Oh, so-and-so had a c-section." I remember thinking that perhaps the woman really does want to keep it quiet, or like me, I just don't want everyone talking about me, even though it's not like I've done anything bad.... but who says I want to be the topic of discussion?
After I befriended someone, she told me about one of her very good friends who probably can't have kids anymore, due to severe complications in her last delivery, detailing exactly what transpired on the delivery table. I honestly wanted to say, "Well what business is it of mine?!"
People like to talk when they hear hot and not terribly hot stuff. That can make the subject feel uncomfortable. Am I making any sense at all?

Clarissa

Thu, Jun 06 2013, 12:04 am

What makes total sense to you might not be what makes total sense for someone else. Since several of us here have said we feel differently, you might want to consider that this person wasn't really out of line or rude. That doesn't mean you ever have to ask anyone else about their delivery, nor does it mean you have to like when someone asks you.

I think it's better not to look for ways that people are rude, if there are enough people who consider this normal conversation.

Which doesn't mean you or your husband have to give out any information that you deem personal. Your husband is free to say, in a pleasant way, that you're private about such things "but the good news is that mother and baby are fine," or something like that.

It does mean that you don't have to feel offended.

gold21

Thu, Jun 06 2013, 2:09 am

Clarissa wrote:

I agree. And not because you just agreed with me, clarissa. Wink

Just cuz I agree very much with this post.

sweetpotato

Thu, Jun 06 2013, 3:17 am

Quote:

What does Vibishe Zachen mean???

"Womanly things"

To those posters who have pointed out that not everyone is private about C-section/birth details, so the OP shouldn't have been bothered by the question or have found it out of line: Isn't a definition of being sensitive/discreet/tznius/etc. taking a step back and considering what one says before saying it? Shouldn't someone let the affected party volunteer personal information, rather than asking for it directly? The man who asked about the OP's c-section presumably has no reason he *needs* to know any specific details of her labor and delivery. A sensitive and appropriate way to ask about the OP would simply be: "Is your wife back home? Are she and the baby doing well?" OP's husband then could have responded with whatever details he and OP feel are appropriate to share with the interested party.

It bothers me a lot when people say "well it doesn't bother ME, therefore it shouldn't bother you," especially about asking and answering personal questions. The whole idea of being sensitive, in my opinion, is not to assume everyone else has the same comfort-level as you do, and not to put people on the spot with your questions, but rather to let them take the lead when it comes to sharing or not sharing personal information. And medical details ARE personal information.

rainbow dash

Thu, Jun 06 2013, 6:01 am

iamamother wrote:

I hope your dh moved to another shul. Thats completely disgusting behavior. Some men are such PIGS.