The insanity of cooking suppers for someone who had a baby

notshanarishona

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 8:42 am

allthingsblue wrote:

Actually, as "a young couple who this is their first child," I was incredibly overwhelmed. I didn't have a second to make myself a meal, not even cereal and milk, let alone Dh, because I was busy trying to figure out what he baby needs. Don't forget, when it's your first, everything- from changing diapers to feeding- takes much longer. And I was not in an emotional state to cook or think about shopping at all.
I am tremendously grateful to my neighbors for sending meals! It made a world of a difference in our lives!
I know this doesn't help op, but I couldn't let this sentence pass without informing you that young couples with a first child are also going through many changes, thank you very much.

I am also with my first child so I wasn't saying this in a negative way.
In my experience, at least 4/5 people have their mother's come in for the first baby.
Even if the mother is busy and overwhelmed with the baby, the husband has the time to either make or pick up food and is able to do shopping and stuff.
It is very different that someone who has 5 kids or 5 and the husband is taking off weeks of work to get the house running and barely feeds the kids cereal and milk.

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 8:42 am

What is a pg mom supposed to do if due Pesach? I can't cook and freeze 6 weeks of meals!
What if family staying over can't cook or doesn't keep kosher?

I was asked to send a meal to a friend. I signed up happily. She had to switch the day I sent it but I couldn't do another time- it was an overtime work week. She understood but I did feel bad. The next community/shul baby I will try again.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 8:42 am

amother wrote:

I'm with you OP. I used to live in a fairly remote community where there were no nearby restaurants or kosher stores. Making meals for each other made sense there. But now living in a place where take-out can be called in from 2 dozen plus places it's a bit silly. And it's really uncouth I think when they post those meal train things and you'll see requests sometimes for 4 adults. Parents have come to stay with them and they all need to be catered to? Nobody else can cook or order take-out?

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I wanted to step in and respond to this before I do. I'm expecting my first (anon because I'm not ready to say), and my MIL and my father are both planning to come in from overseas for the birth. Father isn't frum, MIL isn't Jewish, and DH works crazy hours (it's not unheard of for him to work 20something hours straight), and I have no idea what kind of shape I'll be in after birth. So, yes, if people are planning to cook for me, it would be really nice if they cooked for all four of us, as Dad and MIL would inevitably treif my kitchen and DH simply doesn't have the time.

notshanarishona

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 8:45 am

amother wrote:

Why can't MIL and Father pick up take out?
Or you can sit on the coach and direct them to cook?

May

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 8:45 am

amother wrote:

I have a sub zero freezer and have removed all the air from the food containers. I double seal the food. You can't compensate for the fact food gets altered in the freezing and defrosting process. Just because you can taste the difference doesn't mean others can't. The food molecules change. I can taste the difference and I don't like it.

Then maybe you are not freezing the right foods. You can also freeze raw and bake fresh, etc. There are options. You freeze it immediately, you add the right amount of liquid or oil depending on the food, you heat it up straight from the freezer, you heat it thoroughly, etc., etc.
And even if you can taste the difference, doesn't mean you have a right to be so picky and rely on chessed for that. What happens if you guys eat frozen food, - do you get sick, vomit, nauseous?? It's OK not to have the most amazing meals ever during a busy family time.

I am involved a lot in a tomchei Shabbos/bikur cholim type organization that sends out food to families who need meals on a long term basis. There are several families who refuse frozen food, and you know what? They suffer from being so spoiled. They end up with a lot less assistance because there are times when we simply can't provide all their food fresh so they just get a lot less. And some of the families were given proper reheating instructions, and often once they agree to try it that way they agree to start accepting frozen food.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 8:55 am

notshanarishona wrote:

Why can't MIL and Father pick up take out?
Or you can sit on the coach and direct them to cook?

They could. I was explaining why, if someone is anyway going to send meals, four portions would be more helpful than two. Anyway, when a non-Jew is in the kitchen the Jew has to do all the veggie checking, not let the meat out of her sight or else have simanim on it, turn on the oven for the non-Jew - it's not just a matter of "use this bowl and this plate and mix this and this", and so at that point I might as well be in the kitchen doing everything myself.

Raisin

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 8:59 am

amother wrote:

why don't you suggest they wait a week or two to visit?

I'm really shocked at the grandparents who expect a postpartum mother to cook for them. (not you - a previous amother)

amother

Red

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 9:01 am

May wrote:

May, what you are doing is very special. I don't like the taste nor the texture of frozen food so I opt out of receiving. It is a waste of money to receive food that isn't eaten. I lose my appetite when I am served frozen food. It isn't appealing to me. I won't send frozen MM either. I stay up all night baking.

It is not a matter of not knowing the techniques for freezing. I am accomplished I the kitchen.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 9:03 am

Raisin wrote:

why don't you suggest they wait a week or two to visit?

I'm really shocked at the grandparents who expect a postpartum mother to cook for them. (not you - a previous amother)

I want my MIL to be there for the birth itself (I don't have a mother, and she's the closest I have). And my father is so excited about his first grandchild (coming after almost five years of infertility), that he's already booked his ticket for, I think a week or two past the due date but who really knows when the baby will actually come, I've heard first babies are often late. (I talked him out of buying a ticket for three weeks before the due date! LOL

)

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 9:07 am

notshanarishona wrote:

Why can't MIL and Father pick up take out?
Or you can sit on the coach and direct them to cook?

Don't know about this poster but in my case...
If they aren't Jewish they can't cook for you100%. Ask a shailah, different people hold more strictly (sefardim I think). You might have to turn on the oven, put the food in the oven.....ask. What if they are like some non frum relatives who think they know what to do, but dont? So I would have to be with them the whole time, plus coming up with excuses why I am not on the couch. They would NOT want takeout everyday "why don't I whip something up?"
My DH can and does cook. But if he has to work? Gets stuck in traffic? (Can be hours as he has a long commute). Yes, if meals weren't offered I would figure it out. And FYI so far no relative slept over/expected meals if they came in so when we asked for meals it was for our family only....

DrMom

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 9:07 am

May wrote:

Really unbelievable.

asmileaday

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 9:17 am

I think it's a beautiful chessed to send meals for a new mom but only by those who WANT to send.
There's nothing like a hot simple fresh meal. Really gives you energy.
Op, is there no system where you volunteer what and when you can?
That's how it works in my circles/kehilla. It's completely optional. You get to choose how often and you get to put a cap on the amount of portions you're willing to cook. Another good thing is that it's entirely anonymous. I don't know who I'm cooking for and they don't know who cooked for them. Makes it a lot less pressuring. And, we have a volunteer driver that does the pick up and deliveries.

Amother with the menu -that is insane and very difficult. I find it hard to make foods I have never cooked before. I want to make my tried and true easy peasy recipes.
I think Klausenburg is the one here that gives out the menus. But they also provide the chicken and the containers to pack the stuff in (so I've heard). Makes it a little easier but I would still find that too hard.

amother

Jade

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 9:23 am

I think I posted this before, I was extremely ill when preg w my last baby, and a very kind neighbor set up suppers for a while during preg. I couldn't cook supper for during preg, let alone for afterwards.
I was in the hospital more than I was home.
You don't have to send meals, but if you do, please I beg you to do it nicely. One neighbor came over, I pulled on clothes, disconnected my iv and went down to open the door. She looks me up and down and repeatedly asked if I was sure I was sick & really needed supper. I don't know what she expected to see....
I was in tears by the time she left.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 9:34 am

Maya wrote:

My question is why these women, who have nine months to prepare for this occasion, don't cook ahead and freeze dinners to be used during the postpartum period. I'm asking a serious question. That's one thing I don't understand about this whole issue.

I haven't finished reading, but I've read another page and a half since your comment, and I still feel the need to comment.
Do you really want to know? I am BH almost 11 weeks pregnant. I am on the verge of collapse every day when I get home from work, but I can't check out of life. Over the past few weeks, my children have had pasta for more than two night in a row, while also having it for lunch. I am currently sitting in a warm bath with pain so bad that it feels like contractions, but I'm praying it's only terrible constipation. The first thing I notice in the morning when I open my eyes is that I'm nauseous, and I fall asleep gagging. Sometimes medication helps, sometimes it doesn't. The nausea comes in waves, on and off, for the entire day. I don't have enough energy to cook ONE supper for more than a night or two, and you want to know why I'm not sticking my freezer?

amother

Jade

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 9:39 am

Amen, mauve amother and refuah shelaima!
When I was not in the hospital, I was vomiting non stop, had zero energy to move, crazy dizzy spells, etc. Plus I had a severe infection that took a month to clear up during my preg. Oh and an irritated uterus that started strong non stop contractions at 24 weeks.
So nope, no pre-freezing meals here either.

sky

Thu, Oct 22 2015, 9:54 am

amother wrote:

Speaking as an insider there, the guidelines were not made because people were sending too fancy suppers. And the guidelines at one point became really strict, like only 2 weekday meals for the first 2 weeks plus one shabbos. If your mother is in town, lives in town, or you are going to her after birth, then no meals. These guidleine were set because of the difficulty of being called all the time to cook another meal for another family, and the difficulty of the people calling to find people who could send meals

As a huge word in their defense - the women in Chofetz Chaim of KGH all work (literally, like 95% of them) and a good majority work full time. And it's a very young community, most of the women have several young children of their own - literally all little babies, because the families tend to move on when married 6-8 years. And there could be several births per week in this community of only a couple hundred families. So it became super difficult for these women who were holding down full time jobs and also taking care of a lots of little ones, and often either pregnant or in the first year after birth themselves, to make meals.
It's a shame that it had to come to this and we couldn't be more generous with the quantity of meals, but that is the metzios.
Currently, all the.meals are done via a spreadsheet so people aren't called directly. This way you sign up if and when you can.

(Btw, OP - I have never been called twice for the same mother unless it was a long term need (sick mother or child). I would think its easy enough to say "I'm sorry, I made this family a meal last week, its a bit difficult for me right now to make another one.")

I hope you didn't think I was being negative. I think it is amazing. I heard about this from a friend and she thought it was a fantastic system. (I think so too)