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What to do- dtr has bf
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estif









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 7:05 am
If it is healthy Dating then your right but texting is out of the question and no he doesnt want to just lay but he wants her attention and to bring it to that I promise I read this over and over, its sad how we fall for men so easy and it is embarrassing, A husband is healthy when love comes from personality and not just looks
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amother




Hotpink


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 9:32 am
I was in the exact same situation as your daughter at that age. And guess what? The guy wasn’t just interested in “one thing” - like other ppl said if they are interested in just hooking up then they wouldn’t sit on the phone for hours talking and texting. The women who are saying that I would assume have very little experience in the matter. There are plenty of good guys out there. I know because I married that guy. I went to israel and talked to him long distance the whole year, then came back told our parents and got married six months later. I’m not saying that that will happen to your daughter. But just keep an open mind.
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amother




Hotpink


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 9:33 am
estif wrote:
If it is healthy Dating then your right but texting is out of the question and no he doesnt want to just lay but he wants her attention and to bring it to that I promise I read this over and over, its sad how we fall for men so easy and it is embarrassing, A husband is healthy when love comes from personality and not just looks


Did you read that they haven’t even met? So obviously they enjoy each other’s personalities. Read the posts before answering things that are irrelevant.
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amother




Indigo


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 9:55 am
There must be a history to this girl. Girls from such sheltered homes don't do these things.

Op I'm sure you have dealt with professionals before. I'm sure you kind of saw this coming. It didn't start with texting a boy.

And she's not planning on stopping. She knows more about this stuff then you think or are willing to admit to yourself.

Why do parents get so upset on things that they know is gonna happen and dig their head in the sand when it's obvious it's gonna happen.

Op I don't think there s much to do. Like others have said invite him and treat her like an adult. Sooner rather then later she will leave the house and live elsewhere. That's the nature of this. She's not doing it yet.

Sending her to seminary I said totally out of this situation practically.

She's needs to find herself a fulfilling job and get responsible and you would be the best at doing it. She's 18 and has rights and should also have obligations. I think your not aware how out of your control this is.

Look at her as a girl that is choosing her own path and you will have to stand there and not be able to do much other then hope and pray and realize that your dreams of what you wanted is not gonna be. She is doing what she wants not what you want.
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amother




Hotpink


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 10:11 am
amother wrote:
There must be a history to this girl. Girls from such sheltered homes don't do these things.

Op I'm sure you have dealt with professionals before. I'm sure you kind of saw this coming. It didn't start with texting a boy.

And she's not planning on stopping. She knows more about this stuff then you think or are willing to admit to yourself.

Why do parents get so upset on things that they know is gonna happen and dig their head in the sand when it's obvious it's gonna happen.

Op I don't think there s much to do. Like others have said invite him and treat her like an adult. Sooner rather then later she will leave the house and live elsewhere. That's the nature of this. She's not doing it yet.

Sending her to seminary I said totally out of this situation practically.

She's needs to find herself a fulfilling job and get responsible and you would be the best at doing it. She's 18 and has rights and should also have obligations. I think your not aware how out of your control this is.

Look at her as a girl that is choosing her own path and you will have to stand there and not be able to do much other then hope and pray and realize that your dreams of what you wanted is not gonna be. She is doing what she wants not what you want.


Wait why is going to seminary out of the question?
Also, are people not reading the OP? Who said the girl even wants her parents to meet him? They’re just talking, they haven’t even met, they’re not getting married tomorrow for gosh sakes!
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Chayalle









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 10:24 am
OP, R' Shmuel Gluck from Areivim (Monsey area) is very experienced with this kind of situation. I would really recommend that you call him for advice. I know someone who got very good guidance from him for just this type of situation.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 12:31 pm
Op here - thanks again for all replies.
I had found some texting a few months ago which indicated she was into someone and they were talking - at that time I didnt want to approach her and show her I’m reading her texts or sneaking on her but got her to speak to someone - a rabbi and although we didn’t discuss it outright I understood she had something on her mind she wanted to tell him and they spoke- so it seems she admitted to him though I never got the chance to get feedback. Meanwhile she seemed ok but I wasn’t quite sure it was over. Now that we got it out in open we’re talking more. I’m trying to get her to tell me what it is she’s looking for - if she feels she’s missing love or attention or maybe something that she needs therapy for - although I doubt she’ll go... or is it just fun or does she see it as a potential match ...
I said to go see someone as in a rabbi - I am talking to her about it but I just don’t know what to say or how to guide her so I’d like her to speak to someone else- that’s what I meant . I don’t think she herself quite knows what she’s doing so I think she can use help sorting it out.
To Chayelle- you mentioned r’ Shmuel Gluck- do you have any contact Info pls?
She doesn’t really have any history she’s generally a very good fine Bais Yaakov girl and has a lot and very good friends. I would guess she’s just exploring - I don’t think it’s anything serious yet- that’s why I feel like maybe we can stop it. If she had a long deep relationship then as you all say - well too bad this is what she chose and u can’t tell her what to do... but I think she’s just testing the waters - she doesn’t know this guy it’s not like a friend or neighbor that she knows and likes- she said he texted her by mistake was off a number- still not sure how that evolved...she hasn’t even seen him or a picture even so I think it’s just exciting and feels good , fun to be sneaky...maybe he is nice and shows her caring- so question is make it all serious and act like it’s serious and support her on it or get her to stop cuz if it’s still at beginning and she can get to realize this isn’t a good game... maybe she’ll get out of it. Because once it gets deeper or more serious then definitely it will be harder to stop and she’ll think she’s experienced and knows better..
Also should I try to get his name out of her and look into him or give her privacy?
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estif









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 12:39 pm
amother wrote:
Did you read that they haven’t even met? So obviously they enjoy each other’s personalities. Read the posts before answering things that are irrelevant.


no I didnt and Im sorry for posting
He's a great guy he has such heart I encourage her to continue
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Aylat









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 1:23 pm
amother wrote:
Op here - thanks again for all replies.
I had found some texting a few months ago which indicated she was into someone and they were talking - at that time I didnt want to approach her and show her I’m reading her texts or sneaking on her but got her to speak to someone - a rabbi and although we didn’t discuss it outright I understood she had something on her mind she wanted to tell him and they spoke- so it seems she admitted to him though I never got the chance to get feedback. Meanwhile she seemed ok but I wasn’t quite sure it was over. Now that we got it out in open we’re talking more. I’m trying to get her to tell me what it is she’s looking for - if she feels she’s missing love or attention or maybe something that she needs therapy for - although I doubt she’ll go... or is it just fun or does she see it as a potential match ...
I said to go see someone as in a rabbi - I am talking to her about it but I just don’t know what to say or how to guide her so I’d like her to speak to someone else- that’s what I meant . I don’t think she herself quite knows what she’s doing so I think she can use help sorting it out.
To Chayelle- you mentioned r’ Shmuel Gluck- do you have any contact Info pls?
She doesn’t really have any history she’s generally a very good fine Bais Yaakov girl and has a lot and very good friends. I would guess she’s just exploring - I don’t think it’s anything serious yet- that’s why I feel like maybe we can stop it. If she had a long deep relationship then as you all say - well too bad this is what she chose and u can’t tell her what to do... but I think she’s just testing the waters - she doesn’t know this guy it’s not like a friend or neighbor that she knows and likes- she said he texted her by mistake was off a number- still not sure how that evolved...she hasn’t even seen him or a picture even so I think it’s just exciting and feels good , fun to be sneaky...maybe he is nice and shows her caring- so question is make it all serious and act like it’s serious and support her on it or get her to stop cuz if it’s still at beginning and she can get to realize this isn’t a good game... maybe she’ll get out of it. Because once it gets deeper or more serious then definitely it will be harder to stop and she’ll think she’s experienced and knows better..
Also should I try to get his name out of her and look into him or give her privacy?


If she hasn't met him I would be concerned that he's not who he says he is.
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fmt4









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 1:50 pm
amother wrote:
Op here - thanks again for all replies.
I had found some texting a few months ago which indicated she was into someone and they were talking - at that time I didnt want to approach her and show her I’m reading her texts or sneaking on her but got her to speak to someone - a rabbi and although we didn’t discuss it outright I understood she had something on her mind she wanted to tell him and they spoke- so it seems she admitted to him though I never got the chance to get feedback. Meanwhile she seemed ok but I wasn’t quite sure it was over. Now that we got it out in open we’re talking more. I’m trying to get her to tell me what it is she’s looking for - if she feels she’s missing love or attention or maybe something that she needs therapy for - although I doubt she’ll go... or is it just fun or does she see it as a potential match ...
I said to go see someone as in a rabbi - I am talking to her about it but I just don’t know what to say or how to guide her so I’d like her to speak to someone else- that’s what I meant . I don’t think she herself quite knows what she’s doing so I think she can use help sorting it out.
To Chayelle- you mentioned r’ Shmuel Gluck- do you have any contact Info pls?
She doesn’t really have any history she’s generally a very good fine Bais Yaakov girl and has a lot and very good friends. I would guess she’s just exploring - I don’t think it’s anything serious yet- that’s why I feel like maybe we can stop it. If she had a long deep relationship then as you all say - well too bad this is what she chose and u can’t tell her what to do... but I think she’s just testing the waters - she doesn’t know this guy it’s not like a friend or neighbor that she knows and likes- she said he texted her by mistake was off a number- still not sure how that evolved...she hasn’t even seen him or a picture even so I think it’s just exciting and feels good , fun to be sneaky...maybe he is nice and shows her caring- so question is make it all serious and act like it’s serious and support her on it or get her to stop cuz if it’s still at beginning and she can get to realize this isn’t a good game... maybe she’ll get out of it. Because once it gets deeper or more serious then definitely it will be harder to stop and she’ll think she’s experienced and knows better..
Also should I try to get his name out of her and look into him or give her privacy?


It’s really sad how we turn a totally normal desire on the part of a young girl into something that must have some abnormal pathology behind it. Is she not getting enough love?? Does she need therapy?? Ahhh what’s wrong with her?
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with her. There is nothing more normal in the world than a girl wanting to talk to a member of the opposite gender. DONT make her feel like that is something abnormal, something that she would need therapy for!
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Mamushka









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 2:16 pm
I would just talk to my DD about what she expects from a relationship. I would remind her of never ever meeting a boy/man in an isolated place. I also always stress the point that sx is part of a healthy relationship and is supposed to come only after you know eachother well and in religious circles after you got married
Your daughter is just normal. Give her the tools and support to be a strong girl.
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DrMom









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 3:05 pm
fmt4 wrote:
It’s really sad how we turn a totally normal desire on the part of a young girl into something that must have some abnormal pathology behind it. Is she not getting enough love?? Does she need therapy?? Ahhh what’s wrong with her?
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with her. There is nothing more normal in the world than a girl wanting to talk to a member of the opposite gender. DONT make her feel like that is something abnormal, something that she would need therapy for!

I agree with this 100%

The only point of real concern here is that she has never met this person in real life. You say she met him by accident (wrong #).

He could be anyone. He could be a 50-year-old man; he could be a girl playing a cruel trick on her. Does she know anyone who knows this person who can verify that he is who he says he is?
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dancingqueen









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 3:13 pm
Aylat wrote:
If she hasn't met him I would be concerned that he's not who he says he is.


Yes. There’s a whole tv show about this kind of scam called catfish. So tell her to be careful, but I wonder if maybe she has met him.

But I agree it’s normal to an extent, what would a therapist tell her? Don’t many amothers get married at 17/18/19?
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simba









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 3:51 pm
You seem to be taking this very calmly which is good. Obviously this is not a total shocker to you. DD is a big girl and desiring a relationship with a male is normal and healthy. She is not necessarily lacking love, attention or confidence. It's the nature of the beast even if it is not acccepted as the norm in our communities.

Talk to her about safety. Who is this guy? Do you know the family, his friends?
Talk to he right about the challenges of platonic relationships and that once things get physical it usually snowballs to full blown zex quicker then one would like it to so once you go there you have to be very careful.

Keep an open and non- judgemental ear for her and daven for siyata d'shmaya.
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amother




Vermilion


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 4:01 pm
DrMom wrote:
I agree with this 100%

The only point of real concern here is that she has never met this person in real life. You say she met him by accident (wrong #).

He could be anyone. He could be a 50-year-old man; he could be a girl playing a cruel trick on her. Does she know anyone who knows this person who can verify that he is who he says he is?


This exactly.
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SixOfWands









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 5:32 pm
DrMom wrote:
I agree with this 100%

The only point of real concern here is that she has never met this person in real life. You say she met him by accident (wrong #).

He could be anyone. He could be a 50-year-old man; he could be a girl playing a cruel trick on her. Does she know anyone who knows this person who can verify that he is who he says he is?


Excellent point, and one I never considered. The notion that he texted to a wrong number, but just happened to be a frum (or formerly frum) boy about her age strains credulity when you think about it. As wiser people than me obviously did.

Its called catfishing, and there's a lot of horror stories about it. Even an NFL player (Manti Te'o) was catfished. You might want to warn her about that, and gently suggest that someone verify his identity.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 5:53 pm
Op here - As your all saying to some extent it’s just normal that girls wanna explore and be friends with guys - maybe that’s why I’m taking it a bit calmly cuz I kinda understand her.
But being that she is young and inexperienced I don’t want her to mess up and get hurt . Even if nothing happens it messes with your mind and maybe when she really dates she’ll always be comparing that excitement which is really unreal... that’s best case scenario...
And what you all brought up that maybe he’s not who he says he is crossed my mind right away and we told her that - she has my husbands old phone so maybe it’s someone he knows texted by mistake - he put some unfamiliar numbers from her phone into his contacts to ck if it’s anyone he knows but don’t think anything came up.
And I did tell her he may be someone else playing you ... but she insists he is who he is - she speaks to him on the phone. She says she hasn’t met - and I don’t want to tell her to meet him to ck him out...
And I’m definitely Davening that Hashem should protect her and give her right seichel.
I’m just going out of town for a family simcha so won’t be able to monitor her and speak to her for next few days in detail.
A q I asked that wasn’t addresses was should I ask her his name and info and ck him out or is that infringing her privacy...
Thanks again for all your concern
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Chayalle









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 5:58 pm
Rabbi Shmuel Gluck:
Director Areivim | Bio
Phone - 845 371 2760 EXT
Cell - 914 490 8129
Email - shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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amother




Orange


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 6:05 pm
You mention your dd wants to go to seminary next year, and also that she’s a Bais Yaakov girl. My daughters would be expelled from school if they were found interacting with a boy. I would be concerned and I would say so.
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WhatFor









  


Post  Mon, Feb 12 2018, 6:18 pm
OP- as has been mentioned, the first thought that popped up when you said she hasn't met him is "catfish ".

I'm concerned for her about who she's spilling her deepest secrets to. I do think you should discuss this with her, but not from a point of hoping this ends, but from a point of her deserving to know who she's talking to. I am absolutely not buying that a frum guy was one digit off and accidentally messaged a frum girl just about his age. Is it possible she's lying and found him on a dating app? Because that actually sounds more reassuring.

Important: has he ever tried to make plans to meet her? If not, that's super sketchy. Have they skyped or FaceTimed? I know this is counterintuitive to you, but I think she should be pushing for either to happen stat.

I'm not opposed to ppl starting relationships online, but in this day and age, pictures should be sent within the first conversation or two (although those can be fake) and a video chat/ in- person meet up should happen within the first couple of weeks. Otherwise you're at serious risk of having a relationship with an idealized person in your head who doesn't exist in reality.

And in her case, she's at risk of someone taking advantage of her.
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