Just for laughs! | Imamother

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:27 pm

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:28 pm

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

Fox

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:29 pm

A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear.

Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments.

When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying. The man thinks to himself "how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We're mishpocheh - I'm saved!"

He then listens more carefully to the bear's prayer:
"...hamotzi lechem min haaretz."

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:30 pm

penguin wrote:

If people are posting these blond jokes, does that mean that un-PC jokes are okay?

Its Adar. Everything goes.
V'nahapoch Hu.
If anyone's insulted, there are 3595 different threads they can join..

A laugh is a laugh.

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:37 pm

An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, “Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the operator.

“No, you idiot! It's her husband!”

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:40 pm

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God.

“You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

Jewishfoodie

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:43 pm

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.”
Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

enneamom

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 10:47 pm

Mrs. Schwartz has a wonderful Polish cleaning lady, Lena. She really knows how to whip the place into shape. One day, after cleaning the bathroom, Lena very seriously tells Mrs. Schwartz, "Meesus, I no work for you no more."
Mrs. Schwartz starts to panic. Pesach is coming!
"But why, Lena?" she asks plaintively. "Did Mrs. Weiss down the block offer you $11 an hour? I'll give you $12!"
Lena purses her lips. "No, Meesus."
"I'll... I'll give you $12.50!"
"No."
"Please Lena, I'll let you have a half hour lunch break!"
Lena shakes her head adamantly. "No, Meesus! I no work for you. Is no because of money."
"But WHY, Lena?!" wails Mrs. Schwartz, now completely distraught.
"Because when I clean bathroom" responds Lena "I see you have" she takes a step closer and lowers her voice "Polish remover!"

weasley

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 1:28 am

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade....'

weasley

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 1:34 am

Sophie had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.
Yet Hymie, her husband, had stayed by her bedside every single day. One day, when Sophie came to, she motioned for Hymie to come nearer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...
When I got fired from my secretary’s job, you were there to support me.
When my first hairdressing business failed, you were there.
When I got knocked down by a car, you were by my side.
When we lost our dear Jimmy, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"
"What dear?" Hymie gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you bring me bad luck"

weasley

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 1:45 am

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?"

The boy nodded in agreement. The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him insulting names. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes. The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach dumb, or stupid, or worse, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother."

penguin

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 2:06 am

The Lone Ranger and Tonto find themselves on a hill and realize that they are surrounded by angry Native Americans on the warpath.

"Tonto, what are we going to do?" asks the Lone Ranger.

"Who's WE, paleface?"

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 8:59 am

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,

"We were monkeys, then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said,
"You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 9:04 am

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 9:17 am

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it easily, but it's hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, why she's never happy with things I buy her, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 9:23 am

A husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Is he sick or something?"

"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."