Just for laughs! | Imamother

gamanit

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 10:47 am

Just read this one:

http://www.aish.com/j/j/472579923.html?num=7

Dave Rosenberg recently made Aliyah to Israel and was still getting used to the new bureaucracy. One day, he received a very strongly worded "second notice" from the Israeli Tax Authority saying that his taxes were overdue. Dave ran down to the tax office, paid his bill and said apologetically that he must have accidentally overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the tax collector with a smile, "the Israeli Tax Authority doesn’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

simba

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 10:56 am

Jewishfoodie wrote:

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it easily, but it's hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, why she's never happy with things I buy her, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

This one is great!

keym

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:04 am

Two boys met outside an operating theater.
One boy asked, "what are you here for"?
Other boy responded "tonsil removal".
First boy said "oh. I had that. I had ice cream for a week."
Second boy asks "and what are you here for."
First boy responds "circumcision".
Second boy says. "Oh boy. Good luck. When I had that, I couldnt walk for a year after."

SuperWify

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:14 am

Just watched this in a small clip.

A woman walks into her house and calls, “hey honey, I’m home!”
When she hears no answer from her husband she walks upstairs to her bedroom. She stops short at the doorway when she sees 2 pairs of toes sticking out under the covers of her bed. Furious, she grabs a heavy object and hits the pair who are still buried under the covers, over and over again.
They scream and moan but she had no mercy. She hits them again and again.
This should teach her treacherous husband and this woman!
When the moaning is loud enough she leaves the room, slamming the door and goes downstairs to get fresh air and... bumps into her husband.
“Hey honey, I hope it’s ok with you, my parents made a surprise visit so I let them sleep in our bed.”

leah233

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:41 am

A grandfather , father and son are talking. The grandfather says "Back in the fifties when we got married , I had some issues. I spoke it over with her and right away I saw a change"

The son says "Back in the seventies when we got married , I had some issues. I spoke it over with her and it took two weeks for me to see the change".

The grandson says "When we got married , I had some issues. I spoke it over with her and it took four weeks for me to see anything again".

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 11:47 am

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer, fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,

“And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies,

“In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires,

“Well, what would you say to a package that includes five weeks paid vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car, leased every two years; say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight, breathless with excitement and says,

“Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies,

“Yeah, but you started it! "

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 12:02 pm

An old couple were talking.
The wife asked her husband, "I'm just curious. How many women have you slept with in your lifetime ?"

"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly.

“With all the others, I was awake."

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 12:15 pm

Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help. He shouts at the emergency operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do!?"

"Calm down", the operator says in a soothing voice, "I can help you. But first, we need to see if he's actually dead."

The phone goes silent for a second, then the operator hears a gunshot;

"Ok", says the hunter, "He's actually dead. Now what?"

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 12:20 pm

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off:

“Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 12:25 pm

A man hired a lawyer. Knowing he was extremely expensive, he asked,

"If I give you $500, will you answer only two questions for me?"

"Absolutely!" replied the lawyer, magnanimously.

What’s your second question?"

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 2:17 pm

How many mother in laws does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. She holds up the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around her....

(yes! I'm a mother in law Baruch Hashem!)

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 2:19 pm

Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"?

A: Suppose you're with the family, beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident.

If she could swim and gets out, it's a tragedy..

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 2:23 pm

I was at a magic show recently, when, after a particularly amazing trick, someone in the audience screamed out,

"Wow! How did you do that!? "

"I could tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."

After a moments pause, the same voice screamed out,
"Can you tell my mother in law?"

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 6:49 pm

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer.
‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,

‘Which do you want, son?’

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied,

‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over... '

Jewishfoodie

Mon, Feb 19 2018, 7:05 pm

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’

‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’