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Forum
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-> Simcha Section
Was your bat mitzvah not as large as your brothers' bar mitzvahs?
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| Yes it was smaller, and I was happy about it |
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77% |
[ 95 ] |
| Yes it was smaller, and that upset me |
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10% |
[ 13 ] |
| No it was the same, and I was happy about it |
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10% |
[ 13 ] |
| No it was the same, and that upset me |
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0% |
[ 1 ] |
| No it was larger, and I deserve that :wink: |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
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| Total Votes : 122 |
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amother
Salmon
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 Sun, Apr 22 2018, 6:51 pm
Not only was my bas mitzva smaller then my brothers bar mitzva which took place a couple of months beforehand, it was smaller then my sisters. It was just my classmates. Neither my mother, sisters, grandmother or any other relatives attended. I remember my older sisters bas mitzva being quite a big deal and my younger sisters too. I think because my parents had just made my brothers bar mitzva they had no energy to spend on mine. I got some sefarim from my parents - (a book of halachos for girls, and a set of chumashim), but don't recall any other special gifts.
Oh, my class actually had a special trip we took in our bas mitzva year which was really nice but not arranged by my family. (although I guess they paid for it  ) I appreciate the person who arranged that trip.
I made big bas mitzva parties (women only) for my daughters but not sure if they appreciated it. 
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amother
Pearl
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 7:19 pm
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I have daughters that are bas mitzvah too and we had nice family parties for them. My daughters actually wanted to invite 2-3 friends and the school principal said they weren’t allowed. We had to have everyone in all the 6th grade classes or no one.
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rainbow dash
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 7:54 pm
I had my bm with 2 other girls from my class. The ceremony was held in the main shul with 250 people. Then the other 2 girls had their parties at the school and later in the evening I had my party by my grandparents house with my friends and my mums and grandparents friends.
I was 8 when my brother made bm so I don't remember much.
My son had in Dec and I made for about 80 people in a hall catered. A catered kiddish in shul and I hosted in my home 30 family members for both shabbos meals.
My daughter school does not let kids make parties at home only for family. But there is something at school. The problem is that parents anyway make parties at home with friends. I have no family. Only my mil and sil live here. That would be one sad party. I'm planning on making a bat mitzvah party at my house for her classmates with cake Nush etc and an activity.
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flowerpower
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 8:09 pm
Mine was celebrated in my dining room with some cousins and my brothers had theirs in a hall. I didn't think of comparing then and I doN't compare now either.
My daughters is coming up soon and I am looking for ideas....she told me she wants it to be a surprise.
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Kiwi13
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 8:40 pm
I am not bitter about anything to do with my bat mitzvah, but there are things I plan to do differently for my daughter:
I want to make it more about HER. My bat mitzvah felt like my parents’ party.
I want her to do more for her learning/speech/project than I did. I was spoon fed a speech that I did not write and did nothing to prepare for. (I showed up to learn once a week with someone but then the speech was given to me and I read it straight off the paper word for word. Even back then I felt funny about it.)
Basically I want it to be a celebration of my daughter’s “coming of age,” and I want her to spread her wings a bit and do a project or give a speech that comes from HER. It will be more meaningful for her that way.
As far as size of party? I honestly didn’t care. I had one small table of my friends and didn’t really know anyone else. I remember it being a nice party. I think my brother’s bar mitzvah was bigger just by virtue of the fact that my family puts more emphasis on traveling for bar mitzvahs over bat mitzvahs, but I don’t really remember and honestly I never cared or even thought about the comparison until now.
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sushilover
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 8:51 pm
| Kiwi13 wrote: |
I want to make it more about HER. My bat mitzvah felt like my parents’ party.
I want her to do more for her learning/speech/project than I did. I was spoon fed a speech that I did not write and did nothing to prepare for. (I showed up to learn once a week with someone but then the speech was given to me and I read it straight off the paper word for word. Even back then I felt funny about it.)
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This is very true. I think bar mitzvahs in the rw communities are very much the parents party. Bat mitzvahs are generally more personal and custom made for each girl.
As far as I know, there's not much of a mekor for big bar mitzvah celebrations, but I don't think I would go against the flow when it comes to my son's day unless he feels strongly about it. It's important to live by the norms of the community as a general rule.
I'm grateful that I will be able to customize my daughter's day based on her personality.
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ra_mom
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 9:32 pm
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It was different than my brothers, and I loved it! It was tailor made for the type of party/ies I wanted.
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amother
Bronze
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 9:44 pm
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All of us got the same offer: party or trip to Israel. I chose the trip to Israel, not all of my brothers did. Of course I was happy, that's what I wanted. If there had been a significant disparity though, that would have been upsetting. And I don't mean in terms of money, I mean in terms of acknowledgement of the significance of the occasion.
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bigsis144
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 9:49 pm
I am nine years older than one brother, and fourteen years older than the other, so I didn't even emotionally compare the two at all.
Also, I went to a much smaller school than the rest of my siblings -- I only had 8 kids in my class, so inviting everyone to a party (hosted by a family friend with a much larger dining/living room area than my parents have) was really no big deal. I had a few grown women in attendance as well, family friends that I thought of as adopted aunts, since my actual extended family is not very big and we're the only frum ones and many of them live in other states anyway.
I think that made a difference for all my siblings - our extended family has only gotten bigger once we've started getting married and merging with other families and having our own kids, and that only happened after all the bas mitzvahs were over with (4 girls in a row). Only then did the bar mitzvahs happen (youngest are 2 boys).
My sisters went to a larger school (probably 40 kids per grade, divided into 2 classes) and all did the school-approved "use the social hall built into the school on for Sunday brunch" thing, no other parties. I did miss one sister's bas mitzvah because I was in seminary in Israel that year, but I didn't come home for any of the yomim tovim either, and it was just a fact of life.
My brothers each had a "party in the school social hall" as well. A talented high school bochur with a keyboard provided live music, with pizza and ice cream and a small table of non-classmates like siblings, grandparents and a family friend or 5.
My brothers each also had an additional simple fleishig kiddush (my mother and aunts cooked it in the shul's kitchen) at shul on the Shabbos that they leyned, since my parents are close with everyone in the shul and the grownups there have literally watched all of us grow up since we were infants, and it really felt like a community celebration.
I vaguely recall my parents sponsoring kiddush in honor of my sisters and I as well, but it wasn't nearly as big because the girls didn't speak or do anything public (I don't think it ever crossed our minds to even want that!), and so we had no one walking in from the other side of town who would need nourishment after davening, y'know what I mean? Just a regular-price "cholent and cookies" kiddush with the reason announced and a hearty mazel tov from the congregation was just fine!
There was also a very small family-only meal served after the bar mitzvah kiddushim in the shul's beis midrash because my parents' living room isn't big enough anymore for all the brothers-in-law and nieces and nephews at the same time, KA"H!
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amother
Magenta
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 10:39 pm
I never had a bas mitzva party.
I made my own birthday parties every year. I made my siblings' birthday parties so they should feel special on their special day.
My sisters all had bas mitzva parties. Just I didn't.
Thinking about it makes me cry.
I promise. I was a normal kid. I was just too "good" to speak up. 😢
I guess it's time to celebrate me 🍹
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thunderstorm
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 10:53 pm
| amother wrote: | I never had a bas mitzva party.
I made my own birthday parties every year. I made my siblings' birthday parties so they should feel special on their special day.
My sisters all had bas mitzva parties. Just I didn't.
Thinking about it makes me cry.
I promise. I was a normal kid. I was just too "good" to speak up. 😢
I guess it's time to celebrate me 🍹 |
This makes me so sad ! Why were you left out?
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amother
Taupe
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 10:59 pm
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I was jealous of how much bigger and grander my brothers bar mitzvah was then my bas.
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Frumwithallergies
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 11:14 pm
| amother wrote: | I never had a bas mitzva party.
I made my own birthday parties every year. I made my siblings' birthday parties so they should feel special on their special day.
My sisters all had bas mitzva parties. Just I didn't.
Thinking about it makes me cry.
I promise. I was a normal kid. I was just too "good" to speak up. 😢
I guess it's time to celebrate me 🍹 |
I truly hope you are able to speak up for yourself now. You sound like an intelligent, warm and caring amother, and I hope you have learned to care and advocate for yourself. Hugs!
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sirel
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Mon, Apr 23 2018, 6:21 am
I didn't have one.
My parents gave me some presents, a nice leather siddur with my name and a piece of jewelry.
I was happy for years, until a sister years younger than me had a big party
But I never thought to compare to my brothers
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greenhelm
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Mon, Apr 23 2018, 6:28 am
| amother wrote: | I never had a bas mitzva party.
I made my own birthday parties every year. I made my siblings' birthday parties so they should feel special on their special day.
My sisters all had bas mitzva parties. Just I didn't.
Thinking about it makes me cry.
I promise. I was a normal kid. I was just too "good" to speak up. 😢
I guess it's time to celebrate me 🍹 |
Let's all celebrate you - happy Amother Magenta day!!
I'd make you a batch of cookies if I could!
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Chayalle
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Mon, Apr 23 2018, 9:34 am
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I had a Shalosh Seudos for my class. My brothers had a simple catered affair in a shul or hall. I was not upset about the difference at all. Never bothered me.
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amother
Lime
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Mon, Apr 23 2018, 10:26 am
By way of background, I grew up Conservadox. We weren't even aware that there was a responsa about driving to shul, for example. Small congregation, massive amount of kids. So much so that there was a bar mitzvah virtually every Shabbat from September through June (people tried to push off summer bar mitzvahs). The girls celebrated Friday night, largely because there were no Saturday mornings left. Obviously, girls didn't leyn (it was Friday night, after all), but we led the service from the bima.
My year, there was an "equality" issue. In the past, every boy in Hebrew school in the bar mitzvah year had to come to shachrit every Sunday morning to learn to lay tefillin. Hebrew school afterwards. Girls didn't lay tefilin, so they were exempt, and got to come to school later. My year, the boys complained. Girls should be davening shachrit even if they didn't lay tefilin. So off to the synagogue we trudged. (FTR, girls and boys both davened mincha/mariv at Hebrew school on Tuesdays and Thursdays.)
With that background ... my brother had a small kiddush for the shul on Shabbat, then a big dinner dance, with a band and tuxes and gowns, the next day. I had a dinner for family and friends of my parents after Friday night services, and a record hop with hot dogs and hamburgers in the synagogue basement.
It was a long time ago. I'm not bitter. You need to get over things. But yes, at the time, I knew it was wrong, and expressed that to my parents. They shrugged and said that's the way things are. Maybe, but that didn't make it right. Still doesn't.
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amother
Magenta
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Mon, Apr 23 2018, 11:00 am
| thunderstorm wrote: | | This makes me so sad ! Why were you left out? |
What they said, or the real reason?
They said they were too traumatized from the accident that happened by my older sister's bas mitzva party.
The real reason is that my parents are not well people, and in the house I grew up in, the noisy ones got their needs met. I was to afraid of getting beaten, should I dare open my mouth. I guess I didn't get a party because I was a wimp. My siblings got what they needed, but they also got beaten.
If I had to do it again, I would choose the beatings with a normal childhood. Being able to play with the neighbors instead of doing laundry. Being able to go out with friends, and study for tests instead of playing Cinderella.
I guess we all have got to learn sometime in life, and now is my time.
I so didn't realize how much this affected me until I read this thread.
Thank you op for helping me find another area to heal and let go of. It feels good to relive it and let it go, instead of carrying it around as a silent burden that I didn't know about.
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Beingreal
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Mon, Apr 23 2018, 11:13 am
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I had a bas mitzvah party bbq in my backyard with my class and we decorated photo albums. The party was from 6-7 which was fine for me and I had a sleepover with 3 of my closest friends.
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wifenmother
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Mon, Apr 23 2018, 11:36 am
| amother wrote: | My bas mitzvah wasn’t even mentioned at all. It’s not a thing in my circles at all.
I never even gave a second thought to it.
First time I heard this is an issue for girls is right here on imamother. |
Same here. Though I did buy my daughter jewelry for hers, and she took challa for the first time that day...
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