HOW. DO. YOU. MAKE. THEM. OBEY.

BH5745

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 6:14 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

I honestly don’t remember what my mother did or said, I was just a goody-two-shoes (with some eldest-child martyrdom sprinkled on top) who valued “being good” and “making Ima/Aba/HaShem happy”.

Sure, sometimes I still didn’t want to wash the dishes or I left my clothes all over my room, but deep down I understood that fighting with my siblings wasn’t nice, or setting the table for Shabbos made our home Shabbosdik, or sweeping the floor kept crumbs from tracking all over the house.

I get no indications from my children that I am worthy of their consideration, let alone their (ahava) respect or (yirah) obedience.

My kids utterly ignore my attempts at reason, even simple proactive reminders like, “I see you’re done with your [disposable] bowl and spoon - please remember to throw it in the garbage” will get DS to literally cry, “why do I always have to do EVERYTHING around here?!” (And woe betide me if I got distracted and have to ask them to clean up after they’ve already moved onto the next thing...)

On Shabbos, children were running around the house wildly despite my warnings and knocked over the entire very full garbage can (as I was clearing the table all by myself, naturally). “Natural Consequences” would mean an almost 9 and 6 year old should clean it up, right? *laughter turning into tears* yeah RIGHT. They both just blamed one another, cried that garbage is disgusting, ran away when I bent down to show them how to use a paper towel to shield my hand from the garbage and pick it up, ignored my point that “so should the garbage just stay here because you don’t want to clean it? We all keep our house clean together”, blamed each other some more (“I wasn’t the one who bumped it”, “he was chasing me!”, “I didn’t do it on purpose!”, “he should clean up, not me!”...)

Yikes! Sound like your children need to learn that a parent-child relationship requires not only their love, but their respect as well. For a frum child, this sort of behavior is not ok. If they think they don't need to listen to you, how can you stop them from doing chas v'shalom dangerous or immoral things later on? They need to be taught to do kibbud horim, as best as you can teach that. Maybe a Rabbi or Mashpia can guide you towards proper resources for learning how to instill a bit more of this value in your home?

amother

Ecru

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 6:51 pm

While some kids are more challenging, I find that most kids will lists majority of time(maybe not right away) IF THEY LEARN THIS WHEN THEY ARE young.

Around 2 half to 3 is when I give small punishments for doing things that are wrong like hitting or...kids have to learn that there are consequences from she they are young. Otherwise, some kids will be displaying bad behavior like my sil s son who was throwing things at me and my kids when he was 2 and half bec she didn't discipline him. Well, he definitely challenged authority as he got older bec he didn't learn when he was younger.

Yes, sometimes no matter how much the parents discipline, the child may not listen bec son children are more challenging. But, I do see a lot of parents who let their children manipulate them especially when they cry or temper tantrum. If the parents give in to this, it may easier right at that moment, but in the long run, the child will learn he needs to tantrum or...to get what he wants.

Frumwithallergies

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 6:54 pm

1-2-3 Magic works very well.

Giving kids 5 min warnings for things like 'we're leaving the park in 10 min' then '5 min' then leave.

I also line reward charts. Pick one midda each child should work on for the week. They start with 2 stickers per day. Each time they don't do the midda they lose a sticker. Pick a reasonable reward (2$ to spend at a dollar store), a colouring book or pack of stickers....

My kids are working towards larger month long prizes, such as an expensive after-school program which I would otherwise not allow.

We are are working of derech eretz, whining, self-regulation, chores etc.

bigsis144

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 7:31 pm

BH5745 wrote:

Both my personal therapist and the family social worker I’ve seen with my children have told me that I need to work on exerting an aura of fair but calm authority.

As I always say, I feel like I was absent the day Hashem was handing out binah yeseira to all the womenfolk....

I have had severe PPD that came along with crushingly low self-esteem, so I easily revert to the default of “please listen to me? Please? See how nicely I’m asking? Don’t you want to be nice back to me?”

I have read so. many. parenting. books.

How does one build resilience as a parent to keep going and going in the face of a stubborn child’s resistance, and to keep calm and not dissolve into a sobbing (or screaming) mess when EVERYTHING turns into a power struggle unrelated to the actual thing I asked them to do? If only they would just OBEY...

(No kid has been diagnosed with any specific neuro-atypical disorders, but they have been described as “more challenging than most” by the professionals I’ve seen and talked to... see my post from earlier this week about my 5 year old getting kicked out of day camp 😔)

BH5745

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 9:15 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

HUGS to you! I wish I had better advice... The only thing I can think of is to try hitbodedut... At least every time I feel like the answer I need isn't coming fast enough, I do hitbodedut to Hashem about my problems, and somehow I get the chizuk I need until answers appear.

pause

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 9:16 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

You're doing all the right things:

Keep going to your therapist to gain the inner strength and self-confidence in your abilities.

Keep reading parenting books and finding which skills talk to you and work with your children, although I would advise you to try one method for a few months before deciding if it works or not.

Consistent self-care can provide the resilience and strength you need to not fall apart in front of your kids. And for in the moment, distress tolerance skills such as visualization, deep breathing, praying, etc. can be super helpful.

Wishing you much hatzlacha!

amother

Green

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 10:20 pm

amother wrote:

1-2-3 Magic! by Thomas Phelan.

I did this with my oldest kids. The beauty of a behavior program (any) is that after you put in the hard work when you are young, your later children are born into a house where children obey. For the most part everything just flows smoothly.
One other thing, it is easier to just clean up the garbage by yourself than drag the kid over by his arm while he’s screaming that he hates you, and say “We’re not moving from here until you clean it...” or “if it’s not cleaned up in 5 minutes you will go to your room” etc. But if you invest that time, consistently, for just a few days, you will see it really is magic

BH5745

Mon, Jul 23 2018, 5:40 am

lkwdgirl wrote:

Honestly I was hoping this was about teenagers. I love my children tons and tons by since my boys came home for Bein hazmanim it’s been HORRIBLE. There’s a total lack of decency respect and terrible chutzpah. They think everything is owed to them and usually they’re normal nice people. But they came home like animals and I’m so not coping well.

Was the school overly accommodating you think? Is there maybe any way you can be less accommodating? After all, it's YOUR house- you don't work there, and it's not a resort...