How did you survive the first year with twins?

amother

Papaya

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 9:15 pm

Israeli_C wrote:

Many thanks for all the great advice, thoughtful posts and kind words- you twin moms (and those who helped them!) are amazing!!

Re help from mom- my parents live in Europe so that one is unfortunately out the window. But BH although I'm living in a predominantly secular city, there's a handful of women from the synagogue I attend who have been really going above and beyond to help. It's part of a program to help women postpartum, but after 2 weeks it stops and now I'm struggling.

I spoke with my husband and it was very unsuccessful... He went to a shiuir and when he came in the door I'd just woken up because our 1.5 year old had gotten out of bed and was crying in he hall. I was 'on call' for the twins already and asked my husband to put him back to bed. When I turned to go back to the twins, my husband called after me "what kind of mother are you? You can't even hug your own son?" I can't describe how hurtful such a statement is, and it was only compounded by the sleep deprivation...

After a very painful 'conversation' my husband basically said all I do is ask him to do things and buy stuff and that I'm not taking care of the family, and that the twins shouldn't be waking as often as they do at night and that it's a sign I'm doing something wrong. Until now I've had to ask my husband to carry a baby in his arms when I reach breaking point and simply can't tend to both at the same time. He has never changed a diaper or given a bottle (and yes, I've asked but have given up trying).

I suggested doing 'shifts' where he'll mind them from 9pm til 12pm so I can sleep a bit before a long night with them. He was angry about the idea (even when I said it'd only be 3 days a week to allow him to go to shiuirim etc) and he said irritably "whatever you ask you always get anyway, what's the point in saying 'no' anymore?" The same guy doesn't ever go to bed before 11pm anyway because he's on the computer or reading til late.

I wish there was a Rav or person of authority he respected, but there isn't. He gets advice on everything except shalom bayit. I don't know what to do.

Who does he get advice from usually ? Maybe you should call that person and tell them how your husvand isn't helping at all. Maybe that person can call your husvand just to wish him mazel tov and find out how the twins are doing .. he should ask your husband if anyone is helping you and when he says no he should explain to your husband that he must help .he shouldn't be going to any shiurim!! There has to be someone he listens to .

Israeli_C

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 10:58 pm

Sebastian wrote:

I m sorry OP he definitely needs a reality check.

Can you go to a kimpeturin home for a few days at least?

I wish, there's nobody at home to mind my 2 other small kids... Even being in the hospital was a nightmare, I constantly rang to check that he was taking the food I'd premade out of the freezer and was giving it to the kids. The hospital I was in doesn't allow kids to visit because of the measles outbreaks and when I finally came home and saw my 3 year old, I started crying. It was very hard emotionally for me to be away from them, and difficult physically for them to be away from me...

My husband has changed rabbanim frequently, but his currently rav is a dayan and posek who has little time to deal with shalom bayit issues. My husband also gets mad if I ask rabbanim things without consulting him first. All I've heard from this rav recently is that I have a heter for BC for 6 months, after which I need to speak with him.

someone

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 11:42 pm

Oy, OP. This is really hard. Would he listen to a medical professional? Even a tipat chalav nurse, if the ones near you are not scary. Meaning not making it into a shalom bayit advice thing, just someone explaining to him what recovery from birth is like and how important it is for a woman to have help.
And leaving your husband aside for a minute - is there anywhere else you could get help from? Could you pay to have someone come in to help during the day? Or a night nurse? When I was helping my neighbors we found a couple of students with pretty flexible schedules to come in during the mornings and other neighbors' teenage girls came in the evening to help with supper and bedtime for the older kids.
Are your older kids in some kind of framework during the day? Gan, maon, mishpachton, something?

Israeli_C

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 11:56 pm

emcee - that's a good idea to get a friend of his to speak with him. I'll try talking to the wife of someone in our community who he is in touch with and perhaps he can influence him... unfortunately he is an only child and his parents are very dysfunctional.

someone - I'm definitely going to seek a woman to help me for 3 hours in the mornings. I heard of an older lady who loves kids and has yet to become a savta who spent some time working as a fill in in the local maon and is looking for more hours somewhere.
Yeah B"H my 1.5 year old is in the maon til 1.30pm and my 3 year old stays in the gan's tzaharon til 4.30pm, so there's room to breathe in the mornings. Also I've seen that it's good for them to get out and about.

amother

Coffee

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 12:23 am

Wow! This is so so hard!
My Twins were numbers one and two. I lived at my parents for the first 5 months, after which we moved out on our own, I washed laundry but rarely folded it. Often dinner was made only at around 8 when the babies were sleeping, I had cleaning help, and girls to come hold/ play with the babies often. Dh did the shopping. I don't know how people do it with older kids/ little help!
I can give twins tips. Though I do think solving the Shalom bayis issues is important. Did he always get angry, or this is a recent development since the twins? Is he used to helping out with the kids and around the house? Have you been spending time together?
Is it possible that he is stunned, and overwhelmed like you, and trying to figure out what this new normal where everything is flying is? Could he possibly feeling a little neglected, as you are ( understandably) all taken up by the kids? ( Especially, if you are the very on top of it type, and never expected him to help out much on the home end)
You should make it clear that you are doing your best, but it is too much to do on your own. If you do it together you will get through the craziness faster. Also try to see things from his angle. What is really bothering him? Try to address it together (don't overwhelm yourself making it better for him. You need to do it together)
One baby is a full time job. Twins are four full time jobs, and you have other small children. NO ONE has all that running smoothly with no help!

turca

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 5:36 am

Israeli_C wrote:

Call that program that helps postpartum women and tell u need more help.

dancingqueen

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 5:42 am

Israeli_C wrote:

6 months?? Banging head

I hope someone can get through to your dh. The last thing you need now is more stress from him, you need a partner now. Would anyone from your family fly in to help? You can’t do this alone.

4pom

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 9:13 am

OP this is so hard.
I hope at least internally you know not to believe or take in what your husband is saying. You are superwoman here!
You sound amazingly strong and reaching out to that savta lady sounds like an excellent idea.
Regardless of whether you can reach out to people who will “change or educate” your husband you need to find support for yourself.
I hope other Israeli mothers can help with that more.
As for your husband. If you have a connection with his previous rabbanim it may make sense to reach out to them. Tell them the situation- how your husband would not be happy with you calling them but you don't have a choice. Maybe one of those rabbanim can speak to his current inaccessible rabbi.
However, from the sound of it it doesnt sound like you can force change on your husband and all that is in your power is to focus on pursuing all avenues to get physical and emotional and practical support for yourself. This is really hard. Please give yourself credit.
I was so overwhelmed with my first 2 and no help. I cant even imagine.

And lastly I reiterate please dont take in any of his ridiculous comments.
From this thread alone you see how most people had BH way more help.
And honestly even if that weren’t true- everyone is different and his comments are WRONG!
Hugs and loads of Brocha and hope for koach in all ways!

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 9:28 am

Op, oh no... your dh is a problem here. Obviously his expectations are unrealistic. Unfortunately if he has a dysfunctional family background he wouldn’t realize what is wrong with his way of thinking.
Your dh cannot give you the help you need now. He is simply not capable. Just smile at him and hopefully he’ll build respect for all you’re doing.
I might be wrong but you sound like you might be part of the sefardic baal teshuva community. If you are, you should know that there are people who can speak to your dh and women who can help you with your kids for the next few months.
You’re doing great! Take care of yourself! Hug

causemommysaid

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 12:18 pm

It looks like you are on your own so you need to advocate for yourself.

1: don't bother with a rov who gave a six month heter. Do your research and find someone willing to give you a heter for as long as you need. I say this because you obviously think you need a heter so make it your responsibility to get what you need.

2: I will keep my mouth shut about what I think of your husband. It's not helpful right now and I think you already know anything I want to say. I will say this. Because he is behaving this way you need to find alternate help.

3: alternate help- do u have access to money? Can you borrow from your parents if not? Any money you have use to hire help. Cleaning help. Cooking help. A mother's helper to hold the babies. Anything. If you don't have access then reach out and beg for help. It feels terrible but you need it. Call the women of your shul and ask. See if they will send over a teenager to help. If they can't then call a rebetzin. Anyone. See if someone will lend you money for help.

3: if all else fails then remember this. You can feed your babies well, diaper them and put them in a safe place even if they are crying and take some time to yourself. Yes you probably won't get sleep but you can let them cry in a safe place while you take a hot shower, make yourself a sandwich, go to the bathroom. It's ok. You are still a great mother.

4: ignore every horrible thing your husband says to you. Hashem doesn't agree with him and neither does anyone else. There will come a day of reckoning for the things he said to you. You are not a failure and you are doing fantastic and you are a wonderful mother. Don't be so hard on yourself

5. Can you feed them on a schedule so they sleep at the same time. The minute they sleep you sleep. No doing anything else. Food and cleaning don't matter. Just sleep.

6: only worry about yourself and ur kids. Don't do husbands laundry, cooking, or cleaning no matter how much he whines. He's over 10 years old. Let him deal.

amother

Emerald

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 2:00 pm

Hugs, hugs, hugs, op. I've stayed quiet because I don't have twins but my heart breaks for your situation.

I wasn't managing after my baby and these are some tips that I found helped me function and have what to eat. They won't make your husband more helpful but they might help you save a few minutes here and there each day.

I had 4 bags for laundry. Baby had his own and then I had towels, light and dark. I made sure to put everything in the right bag that way when I had to wash, I could just toss it in and didn't have to sit and sort. It enabled me throw in a load on my way into the bathroom cause it took a minute max.
I never folded anything either. If I had energy, I just put it in the right drawer. It usually sat in the hallway in the laundry basket. No rule out there that underwear or pj's have to be folded. At most, I would fold my t-shirts so they didn't look crumpled when I got dressed.
Sometimes this would make me feel like I lived in a mess but I would close the drawers and say, one day I'll fold laundry again. Now it doesn't matter.

I bought family sized freezer food. Fish sticks, waffles, pizza, pancakes, veggie mixes... and split it into smaller bags so it didn't get freezer burnt. It helped to always have something to eat. Instant food like soup, oatmeal, tuna cans etc are also great because you can have something to eat in 2 minutes.
I used to also make a pot of macaroni and eat it over a few days.

Use disposable plates/utensils. If you do use a pot, try to rinse it right away and leave it to soak if you can't clean it now.

Baby wipes are great to wipe down things that are dirty and starting to make you crazy. Like bathroom sinks, mirrors or even a dirty spot on the floor.

Try to have your husband take responsibility for one area at least. Shopping, cleaning, feeding the other kids. I don't know who did what before but I think it's reasonable for him to own at least one 'thing'.

Good luck!

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 2:31 pm

Israeli_C wrote:

I spoke with my husband and it was very unsuccessful... He went to a shiuir and when he came in the door I'd just woken up because our 1.5 year old had gotten out of bed and was crying in he hall. I was 'on call' for the twins already and asked my husband to put him back to bed. When I turned to go back to the twins, my husband called after me "what kind of mother are you? You can't even hug your own son?" I can't describe how hurtful such a statement is, and it was only compounded by the sleep deprivation...

It is hurtful. But something I've learned over the years is how desperately children need their fathers. Fostering a relationship between your husband and your children is the best thing you can do for them right now, even if your husband drags his feet into doing it.

Israeli_C wrote:

After a very painful 'conversation' my husband basically said all I do is ask him to do things and buy stuff and that I'm not taking care of the family, and that the twins shouldn't be waking as often as they do at night and that it's a sign I'm doing something wrong. Until now I've had to ask my husband to carry a baby in his arms when I reach breaking point and simply can't tend to both at the same time. He has never changed a diaper or given a bottle (and yes, I've asked but have given up trying).

I wouldn't read tremendously into this. This is a time of great stress, and great sleeplessness. People say all sorts of things they don't actually mean. Keep asking your husband to carry his babies. The more we "allow" our men to care for their children, the better it is for all of them in the long run. I'm sorry that you had to go through this conversation, though. The last thing you needed, right??

Israeli_C wrote:

I suggested doing 'shifts' where he'll mind them from 9pm til 12pm so I can sleep a bit before a long night with them. He was angry about the idea (even when I said it'd only be 3 days a week to allow him to go to shiuirim etc) and he said irritably "whatever you ask you always get anyway, what's the point in saying 'no' anymore?" The same guy doesn't ever go to bed before 11pm anyway because he's on the computer or reading til late.

Awesome! So he agreed! Just decide that he's agreed to the shift idea, and have at it. Don't be deterred by his less than enthusiastic response, and do what you have to do! At 9pm, go over to him and give him the babies, then go upstairs to go to sleep.

And you know what? If he has to miss every shiur in a single week, that's okay!

Israeli_C wrote:

I wish there was a Rav or person of authority he respected, but there isn't. He gets advice on everything except shalom bayit. I don't know what to do.

Try to rise above it. Be as firm as you can without yelling. Don't be discouraged by him trying to guilt you into alleviating his burden. Don't allow the guilt-trip to seep in. You're a great mother, and you're making him into a great father.

And I'll be the one to say it - sleep-training nurses for twins begin the sleep-training at 6 weeks. It feels like a really really young age, but they seem to survive it. Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Love of love and mazal tov to you!! I wish you all the bracha and hatzlachah!

amother

Coffee

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 3:27 pm

Now that the thread has become about shalom bayis you will have posters jumping on to say how evil her dh is and that her ROV doesn't know anything and ignore his psak.
OP. Your DH isn't evil ( I hope. I don't know him) he just doesn't get what it means to give birth and be a mother. Especially with twins and other small children. You need to teach him how to take care of you. Lawn green said it really well!
About birth control after 6 months you must talk to the Rov yourself. DH doesn't get what it would mean for you to have another baby, so he cannot properly explain your position. If you talk to the Rov, and tell him you are not managing, you will be much more likely to get an extension ( and keep extending as long as you feel you need it).