Shaking hands with men at an interview

amother

Salmon

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 9:58 am

amother wrote:

Salmon why is it worse that someone gets offended by what you say without you meaning to offend them, than breaking halacha?? Its not your problem that one would get offended after being explained nicely why you dont shake hands.

It's not considered breaking halacha by many Rabbonim. You should get your own psak, I have gotten mine.

And as for a Torah perspective - embarrassing someone is very high on the not to do list.

Additionally, in many cases, hands are extended to you when not expected or before you had a chance to explain yourself.

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 11:14 am

amother wrote:

It is dependent on the setting. If a person is frequently around Jews and has some awareness of their customs and behavior, then they are usually not offended. But if they have a complete lack of awareness about it, it can be very offensive.
.

Not in my experience. I am around mostly non yehudim who have never heard of yehudim. Many have told me they never heard of ppl not shaking hands...and I'm in minority, but nobody was offended or embarressed.
And, I am always meeting ppl so a hand is offered regularly, but I say I dont shake hands for religious reasons ....

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 11:18 am

amother wrote:

If anyone holds they can shake, so they will shake, but (for those who don't) even if u didn't have a chance to say something and the hand is already extended, u can say that u dont shake hands, that is I wat I do. U can explain urself even after the hand is extended.

amother

Lemon

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 11:23 am

amother wrote:

I think in today's day and age, people will respect and understand when you say that you dont shake hands for religious reasons, and they wont be offended.

No, they don’t. They may say they respect it, but they go away thinking how weird and naive you are to think that a handshake will lead to s*x.

imasoftov

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 11:30 am

Ruchel wrote:

It's definitely not repression. It's a custom. You do shake hands and do repression, or not,

Custom is the accumlated baggage of centuries and most of those centuries were horrible. This one isn't quite done with being horrible either. I don't care much for what passes for manners where I live, less so on Remulac.

amother

Black

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 11:49 am

Amother Lemon, and if non jews think that its weird that Jewish women dont shake hands with men? Why do you care what they think?? They think our entire lifestyle is weird.

Chayalle

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 11:53 am

amother wrote:

No, they don’t. They may say they respect it, but they go away thinking how weird and naive you are to think that a handshake will lead to s*x.

Huh? Where did anyone mention anything like that?

I don't shake hands with men for religious reasons. Nothing to do with it leading to anything.

saw50st8

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 11:54 am

I've seen many men embarrassed after putting out their hand. For some reason the person who doesn't shake always seems to think it's fine and the other person is ok. I've been approached on more than one occasion asking about this and I defend the women but internally don't agree. It's definitely awkward.

I shake hands with anyone except frum Jews. It's kind of funny sometimes when a man is going around shaking hands and then gets to me and we nod to each other.

ShishKabob

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 12:16 pm

I've had countless situations where I informed the male that stuck out his hand that I don't shake hands due to religious reasons, that's where it ended. Business as usual. No philosophical discussions about it. No one took any offense. I think if you're firm where you stand on this, meaning that you are not wishy washy, once you do shake and once you don't, or you really have a complex about it, maybe then the other party will pick up on it. Other than that, it's totally socially acceptable.

saw50st8

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 12:27 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

Just because they didn't discuss their embarrassment or offense, doesn't mean they weren't.

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 1:02 pm

amother wrote:

No, they don’t. They may say they respect it, but they go away thinking how weird and naive you are to think that a handshake will lead to s*x.

You are correct that ppl may not understand, but most ppl are respectful about it. And, it really doesn't matter if they dont understand or don't agree.

I don't explain to them why I don't shake hands ....and the same ppl who walk away thinking our "rules" are weird and who think we are naive...will also think that about all the rules we keep like they will think we are weird for the rules of Shabbat like not being allowed to turn lights off....but that won't stop me from keeping Shabbat or anything else...

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 1:07 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

And because they may feel embarrassed we have to change the way we keep judaism?? No, we don't because then we wouldn't keep a lot of halachos just to avoid embarrassing ppl. We are not allowed to embarrass ppl, but if we are keeping halachos and soomone is embarrassed as a result that is different. If ur rav holds better to shake hands than embarrass someone then fine but not every rav agrees with this(and not everyone agrees that ppl get embarrassed).

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 2:06 pm

amother wrote:

I thought women can't get an aliyah because it would embarrass men?

Chayalle

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 2:08 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I still will not bend on this principle just because there's a chance that a male will feel a second of embarrassment.

His embarrassment does not trump my feelings of discomfort, either.

naturalmom5

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 2:16 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I still will not bend on this principle just because there's a chance that a male will feel a second of embarrassment.

And Reb Moshe and numerous other Gedolim held that the slightest chance of embarrassing someone is a very serious Doreissa and possibly creating a Chillul Hashem..

Whereas a handshake, regardless of circumstances, unless done specifically for zxual pleasure is ALWAYS DRABONIM...

Shish K, you might want to run the quoted line of yours by your Rov/poisek

urban gypsy

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 2:38 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Huh? Where did anyone mention anything like that?

I don't shake hands with men for religious reasons. Nothing to do with it leading to anything.

Everyone can surmise what the reasons are based on the fact that it's MEN you won't shake hands with. If it didn't have anything to do with leading to anything, then we wouldn't shake hands with women either.

Chayalle

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 2:40 pm

naturalmom5 wrote:

My Rav (Rabbi Leiberman) holds that it is definitely assur.

BTW, assur d'rabbanan is also assur.

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 2:40 pm

naturalmom5 wrote:

Reb Moshe didn't allow shaking hands. So I don't get your point.