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Mourning my DD's choice to go to public HS
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amother




Chocolate


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 8:50 am
I just want to point out for all those who had good public HS experiences, the average well adjusted Jewish teenager will likely do fine. A teenager who is already dealing with emotional/ mental health difficulties is a different ball game. The same is true for any environment, of course.
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amother




Brunette


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 9:47 am
If you do end up sending your daughter to a public school, will she be willing to be part of NCSY? They are very kiruv oriented and have many public school teens. They instill a love for frumkeit by their amazing Shabbatons and events thruout the year! They are warm and non judgemental and dont throw religion down ones throat
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chanchy123




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 12:15 pm
southernbubby wrote:
I used to sub in the local public high school and one boy liked telling me that he put tefillin on before coming to school.
At the same time, there will be students who expose your daughter to the seamier side of life and who openly publicize behavior that would shock most of us.
In a large school, there usually are a few teen mothers as well as students who are wearing ankle monitors because they are on home/school incarceration.
Drugs can also be an issue as well as staff members who are open about lifestyle choices such as same gender marriage or out of wedlock babies.
I am mentioning these negative variables because your daughter will need to be prepared that she is leaving a sheltered environment and entering one with fewer protections.
She will have to know how to prevent being sucked into a non-frum outlook which may be very pervasive in a large public school with thousands of students.

I don't live in the U.S. but I am willing to bet there are many many schools without incarcerated or teen mother students. I'm sure it depends greatly on the school district you're in.
I know the U.S. is very different than Israel, but these things are very very rare in Israeli secular highschools even in very poor areas. I would assume though that some teachers and students have "alternative" families.
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saralem




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 12:45 pm
BTDT. We tried all sorts of schools, including sending to another city. we also live OOT. I agree heartily with the others who commend you for being open and flexible, despite your misgivings. The main thing, I find, is to be a listening mom, and really support the child no matter what--as long as the ideas or actions are not physically dangerous. These kids need a ton of love--and limits, too. You also may benefit from your own therapist--that has been a big help for me. Listen, this is mighty disappointing and disheartening. We're BTs and its hard to see our kids not appreciate what we had mesirus nefesh for. That being said, I can't make her feel spiritual. I can't make her want to be observant. By supporting her, you are giving her room to explore for herself. This is the relationship that needs to construct with Hashem. This generation has a really hard time fitting in and figuring out what they feel. Keep up her therapy and medication. Keep supporting and loving her, and making sure she knows that no matter what, you're in her corner. allow yourself to feel sad and mourn for the loss of the "frum" daughter you had hoped for. Y'know what? she may yet come back. If you force her to do what she hates, you run the huge risk of pushing her away. forever. Kudos to you, terrific mom!
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marina




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 1:30 pm
plse enjoy this article. https://www.nashimmagazine.com.....tes-school

Also plse feel free to contact the author. She gives great advice on all these issues and has a lot of personal experience.
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Cheiny




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 4:15 pm
amother wrote:
I just want to point out for all those who had good public HS experiences, the average well adjusted Jewish teenager will likely do fine. A teenager who is already dealing with emotional/ mental health difficulties is a different ball game. The same is true for any environment, of course.


I don’t agree that that the average well adjusted Jewish teen will be fine in a p.s. That is not the proper environment for any frum person, let alone an impressionable teen, and they will likely be influenced by their peers in that school.
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Cheiny




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 4:17 pm
chestnut wrote:
Those saying a 14 y old shouldn't decide where she's going to for HS - do you also just push your 8th grader into the HS YOU think will be better for him/her?! There's absolutely nothing to gain here by putting your foot forward as a parent. The only way to deal with this situation is to talk and discuss a lot, NOT saying "You are going where I decide!"


Allowing them to have a say in which Yeshiva they’ll attend is very different than allowing them the choice between p.s. vs. Yeshiva!


Last edited by Cheiny on Tue, Feb 05 2019, 10:57 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Taupe


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 4:31 pm
Body issues and the like tend to be exacerbated in coed public school

I would want to get more at what the issues are and better solutions than ps

So challenging! May you and dd get what you need. I do wonder if nonfrum therapist is too supportive of public school. I’d look into homeschooling with tutors and other supportive activities. Ncsy can provide supportive Jewish socialization .
Hugs and hatzlocha
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PinkFridge




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 5:13 pm
nylon wrote:
I am going to dissent. If she's dead set against a Jewish school I think forcing her to go to one will backfire and turn her against Judaism even more.

Socially it's hard to predict with public school. the cultures can vary a lot. I don't approve of scare stories about teen pregnancy. That's not likely to happen.

It does sound like your daughter has some additional issues, though. I hesitate to diagnose from afar, but have issues beyond anxiety been considered--maybe autism spectrum? It can present in girls this way.

Are there any smaller private schools near you, not necessarily Jewish? She might do well in that kind of setting. but it also depends on what level of support and what style of class the local public HS has. (A 3000 student high school with classes of 35 is very different form a school of 1100 where classes are regularly in the low 20s.)


Non sectarian (I.e. non church connected) schools are likely to be extremely expensive and high pressured.
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SixOfWands




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 5:41 pm
southernbubby wrote:
I used to sub in the local public high school and one boy liked telling me that he put tefillin on before coming to school.
At the same time, there will be students who expose your daughter to the seamier side of life and who openly publicize behavior that would shock most of us.
In a large school, there usually are a few teen mothers as well as students who are wearing ankle monitors because they are on home/school incarceration.
Drugs can also be an issue as well as staff members who are open about lifestyle choices such as same gender marriage or out of wedlock babies.
I am mentioning these negative variables because your daughter will need to be prepared that she is leaving a sheltered environment and entering one with fewer protections.
She will have to know how to prevent being sucked into a non-frum outlook which may be very pervasive in a large public school with thousands of students.


Where on earth did you sub?

I went to public school, back in the dark ages. Never met anyone with an ankle monitor. I have plenty of friends who have sent their kids to public schools, and I don't think any of them have ever had a classmate with an ankle monitor.

Drugs exist in EVERY school, including yeshivas. Don't fool yourself.
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amother




Blonde


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 5:41 pm
Have you tried reaching out to Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein?
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amother




Chocolate


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 5:52 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
Where on earth did you sub?

I went to public school, back in the dark ages. Never met anyone with an ankle monitor. I have plenty of friends who have sent their kids to public schools, and I don't think any of them have ever had a classmate with an ankle monitor.

Drugs exist in EVERY school, including yeshivas. Don't fool yourself.


Sounds like an inner city school, which op is probably not considering.
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 6:38 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
Where on earth did you sub?

I went to public school, back in the dark ages. Never met anyone with an ankle monitor. I have plenty of friends who have sent their kids to public schools, and I don't think any of them have ever had a classmate with an ankle monitor.

Drugs exist in EVERY school, including yeshivas. Don't fool yourself.


I subbed in some Detroit area high schools with a wide range of students. Remember that some of the students are in foster care and have never had easy lives.
I don't think drugs are as pervasive at frum schools as they are at schools where a higher percentage of students have incarcerated parents.
Also remember that some Detroit area schools were and are failing.
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amother




Mistyrose


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 7:44 pm
When I read your post I immediately related to the way your daughter feels. It seems the school she goes to is very into “external” materialism which can make a girl who has low self esteem socially anxious. Build up her self esteem through therapy and build up her self image with nice clothing Wink
Hatzlacha
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 8:12 pm
amother wrote:
Sounds like an inner city school, which op is probably not considering.


Foster children were actually in the suburban school, as was the teen with the ankle monitor.
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saralem




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 9:14 pm
Public school may not be appropriate for the average frum teenager. OP’s DD is hardly the typical frum BY girl. Consider the whole child. And recognize that DD is not fitting in anymore. Pushing your agenda distances her more. Your best hope is to hold hr close. That will nurture her neshama more than forcing a frum education and possibly traumatizing her.
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amother




Pumpkin


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 9:24 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
Where on earth did you sub?

I went to public school, back in the dark ages. Never met anyone with an ankle monitor. I have plenty of friends who have sent their kids to public schools, and I don't think any of them have ever had a classmate with an ankle monitor.

Drugs exist in EVERY school, including yeshivas. Don't fool yourself.

Absolutely yes. I know first hand about drugs in yeshivas. My nephew would have probably been better off in PS than the yeshiva he went to.
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 9:46 pm
amother wrote:
Absolutely yes. I know first hand about drugs in yeshivas. My nephew would have probably been better off in PS than the yeshiva he went to.


I wonder how often drugs are found in the girls schools.
The public school district might be able to inform incoming parents on how they keep out drugs and firearms.
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amother




Salmon


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 10:11 pm
southernbubby wrote:
I wonder how often drugs are found in the girls schools.
The public school district might be able to inform incoming parents on how they keep out drugs and firearms.


NOT finding drugs does not mean they haven’t been taken...
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PinkFridge




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Feb 05 2019, 10:15 pm
amother wrote:
Have you tried reaching out to Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein?


Or Rabbi Feigenbaum of Toronto?
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