Large Families-How to be present emotionally for each child?

amother

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:13 am

I disagree that you only need to make sure they know they can come to you. My mom was loving and made it known she would always be there for us....except that she was way too busy with newborns and work and other siblings in crisis and keeping household together so I never felt comfortable going to her. Parents need to be a ongoing present actual presence so kids truly feel their parent had timebfor them. Not just talk. Walk the talk.

keym

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:32 am

I have a medium size family.
Honestly, you have to prioritize it and find the time for it, same like anything else.
My younger 2 come home much earlier than my older ones so I try to spend time with them, involve them in cooking, cleaning and laundry, talk about their day for a bit.
My older ones know they can talk to me when they come home, but if they wait until 8, they'll get better attention.
It also means listening when they talk.
A role model of mine told me that at night she jots down bullet points of what the kids talked about so the next day she can reference it.
"Did you play dump trucks with Shmuly again like yesterday?"
"How did that thing with "Chani's notes work?"
Trying to remember in advance what will happen also.
"How was the macaroni at lunch?"
Specific questions that give a kid the feeling that you care, remember, and interested. It also gets the conversation moving.
I ask for chore help and the reward is shmoozing with me. Who wants to fold laundry WITH me? Who wants to help me clean the kitchen?

ShishKabob

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:35 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

This is why I cant understand how people that grew up in big families have a lot of kids. I will never be convinced they get enough attention, never. Someone here once posted shes one of 10 and every kid felt like an only child. Um...not possible. I wonder what the other kids would say if she got all the attention. Mothers at pta are always surprised that I know everything going on in school. Isnt that what mothers are for?! Dont u want ur kids to have unlimited time with u??

I grew up I a large family bh and I got enough attention bh. Not everyone can do it though, I have no complaints.

I think you can give each child their attention by looking into their eyes when they speak with you. Even if I'm busy cleaning chicken at the sink, if my dc comes in and speaks to me, I'll try to turn around, look into their eyes and like that convey that I'm really listening and being attentive to them. I will turn back after a bit and continue what I need to do.

Ruchel

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:44 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sure, and the neighbour will handle the job, baby and stuff. Let's be real. You cannot be constantly present for everyone.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 4:14 pm

I don't yet have a big family but my first 3 are quite close in age so there's definitely competition for my attention when they're all on very similar schedules.

I really try to incorporate shmoosing to my kids whilst I am doing housework, nursing the baby or doing other brainless work. I find it natural and smooth. Sometimes I'll get them to help me and then compliment them warmly on their achievements. I also have a weekly slot of time that called "Mommy time" which belongs to a different child each week (on rotation). The "kid of the week" can choose what he wants to do with me. Although each child only gets a turn once every few weeks, they know they'll get their turn in due course so they handle the wait quite well.

I don't necessarily think that helicopter parenting is so healthy. It can be stifling and can curb independence. So whilst I understand the need to be there emotionally for each child, I don't think that hovering over your kids is the answer.

amother

Purple

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:04 pm

I’d rather ask Social Media Addict with a child- how to be present emotionally for ur child.

I’m one of 13 and consider myself to be well emotionally balanced. I believe I’m super independent thanks to growing up in a large family. I’ve also been blessed with survival skills and amazing coping skills thanks to our bz bz household... aaaaand in addition to parents I had the emotional support And love of 12 sibs! Woohoo!!!

What op is asking probably is how can u control the lives of ur kids of u have a large family. If ur a helicopter parent than large family can be super duper draining to have to hear about every spat that ur kid had and deal with every tiny issue.

So far the cushioned children of helicopter parents haven’t shown to be leaders, independent thinkers and resilient and fit for the real world....definitely something to think about.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:12 pm

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

What a strange response. Meeting your kids' emotional needs is very very different from helicopter parenting. It's a basic part of raising emotionally healthy children. And it's very understandable that someone with many children can find it challenging to juggle it all.

gold21

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:18 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

exactly

being present for your child isn't helicopter parenting- its just parenting- the same way you provide physically for your child (is cooking a nice supper considered helicopter parenting?), you provide emotionally

gold21

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:20 pm

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

how do you define a "tiny" issue

if you were dealing with it, would you still think it's tiny?

its easy to write anything off

being present and available to help resolve issues is not helicopter parenting

browniebar

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:22 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

This is such an important discussion. As a chabad shlucha on college campus with a large family, its even more challenging because we have our dozens of “other” children (the students) who want our attention and need our guidance.

Last year something happened that was a major awakening for me. I was giving a talk at our biggest Shabbos dinner of the semester with over 150 students there. I had a babysitter there to help with the kids but a babysitter when mommy’s in sight isn’t very effective. So as I’m in middle of speaking to the crowd trying to convey a message of inspiration about Shabbos and being proud to be Jewish, my three year old joined me on stage and decided he wanted to tell me something. He came up to me and was tapping me “Mommy, mommy” I was determined to finish speaking and continued my talk but then I suddenly thought - who says that what he wants to tell me is less important than what I’m trying to tell everyone here? So I stopped mid sentence, turned to him, cupped his face in my hand and said “What is it zeeskeit?” Everyone was watching and listening. “I love you Mommy” he said. I got really choked up and scooped him up and held him until the end of my talk. Everyone there was deeply moved and so many of the students told me that that moment had a profound impact on them.

Our kids have to know that we are there for them and want to hear what they have to say no matter how much is going on around them. It’s not simple or easy with lots of kids close in age especially in today’s world of endless smartphone notifications. Family meals and simple traditions like going around the table and everyone sharing their happiest moment of the day. Snuggling time. Story time. Small rituals that give each child a chance to be heard. You can really bond with the older ones while helping them with homework and listening to them talk about what’s going on in school. Playing guessing games when walking to and from places, making a point to give turns to play board games individually with each child.

What a beautiful story and great tips

keym

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:36 pm

gold21 wrote:

The thing that I've come to realize is that some people genuinely don't have deep emotional needs. They are not complicated people. Often more introvert.
I have a relative like that. He'd come home from school and not want to talk or share. Not because he was being closed up, but because he was his happiest buried deep in a book.
All he really needed from his parents was food, clean clothes, rides, and a stack of books. He didn't struggle with cliques, politics, grades. Easy kid.
As an adult, though, he really doesn't understand why his kids need to talk to him soooo much, and why they need soooo much from him.
He gives his kids what he needs- clothes, food, etc. Asking him, he's taking care of his kids emotional needs because he can't fathom that there would be more.
In reality, his kids will probably be here in 20 years saying how their parents had way more kids than they can give to....

ectomorph

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 10:10 pm

I don't have a large family yet by frum standard but my kids r close in age.

If I worked p outside the house, I'm not sure I could be there for them. I don't work outside the home.

I find they naturally get attention. I'm always there, so I have a pretty good sense of their moods. One of my kids told me he was teased in school today. Not when I asked how his day went, but randomly while he was emptying one of my cabinets of its contents. I sent a message to the school and will keep an eye on the situation.

They usually aren't all home sick at once, and I'm very generous about keeping them home when they're only a little bit sick. I don't even mind if they pretend once in a while. I love to spend a day with them, and it's a good excuse.

Then there's therapy and play dates and staggered bedtimes (we don't do 600 sharp any more). And 2 of my kids are up in the middle of the night quite frequently.

Basically, as a sahm its not hard to be there for your kids, even if you have 20 of them. If you work full time out of the house, I'm not sure how it works, but people do it successfully.

penguin

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 10:27 pm

You can certainly consider letting each child take a "mental health day" where you take them out for lunch and a fun activity, or just play games at home etc, once in a while. Say twice a year? Depending, of course, on whether they're able to catch up on their school work.

As for listening to each child every night, it can be overwhelming. But you can do 5 minutes with each child, and a longer time for each child one night a week, so you give 10 or 15 minutes to one child a night (well, til you have more than 7, but by then the older ones can wait til the younger ones are in bed and... the main thing is do your best but don't beat yourself up if you're not perfect!)

A tzadekes who was recently niftarah was said to focus on davening for one child each day, maybe she said their kapitel also?

amother

Wine

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 12:37 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

I grew up in a small family yet very unhealthy. I remember being so jealous of people with lots of siblings. I assumed that siblings can give each other support and fill in the gaps of where healthy parenting is lacking.

I now believe that families can be healthy or unhealthy regardless of number of kids.

Laiya

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 12:47 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

Regarding your last line...no. I don't see unlimited time with my kids as a goal.

Isn't the goal of parenting, in the most general sense, to raise our kids toward independence? How can that ever be achieved if we spend unlimited time with them?

amother

Salmon

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 1:41 am

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

❤️❤️💗
This is so beautiful and so true. What an example you set for those students on that night! Your children always come first.

You sound like an amazing woman!

amother

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 9:35 am

gold21 wrote:

Exactly. What may be tiny to a parents may be very painful and difficult to a preteen who is struggling socially. Or a teen who is struggling with body image issues, but its a 'tiny issue' compared to a high risk preganacy that mom is going through, or a sleep deprived mom who is up with a sick toddler, who is just 'done.' by the time the little ones get in bed.
The other kids will just have to learn independance by dealing with thier 'tiny' issues alone.
We are not talking abt helicopter parenting. Just being present and having time to talk thing out with an emotionally and physically present parent.
How to do this effectivly with little time.