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S/O how old were you when you had your last child!
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amother




Wine
 

Post  Fri, Jan 24 2020, 4:44 pm
amother [ Beige ] wrote:
Wine is just want to say that many of my friends have around as many as u and I just had my first..yet I think ur entitled to ur pain

I find MANY posts on this site extremely insensitive. Many. many. Yours is not one of them

Gold if ur truly sorry- delete ur nasty comments or your apologies are just empty words.

Have a good shabbos

Thank you amother beige.
I come from a family almost double the size I have. I didn't know difficult pregnancies and special needs kids and sholom bayis could give such a reality check. I say that if you have one special needs child, it is like you have ten children. I try to remember that Hashem knows what's best for me.
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amother




Navy
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 2:10 pm
I think it was the wording. ONLY! If she'd said I have 7 currently but would love to be able to have more (or have had more) maybe its different. But there should be no only before 7 kids knH wow.
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amother




Navy
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 2:12 pm
amother [ Wine ] wrote:
Thank you amother beige.
I come from a family almost double the size I have. I didn't know difficult pregnancies and special needs kids and sholom bayis could give such a reality check. I say that if you have one special needs child, it is like you have ten children. I try to remember that Hashem knows what's best for me.


I hear you, and feel for you. I have 4 knh. Would love another one or 2 iyh but boy they're hard work. 1 with a medical condition. One who I'm sure has adhd or something. And yes working on my sholom bayis at the mo. It's a lot to juggle! Hugs
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 3:09 pm
I think the issue OP is having is the term self care. Not in relation to having kids. of course having kids is an individual decision based on your own circumstances and what you can handle and you need to make sure you can handle it. saying you dont want another kid is NOT called self care.
OP your mixing up the 2. Do you know anyone who says I could have another baby right now but nah Id rather get my beauty sleep and be able to go out for manicures and coffee twice a week instead so I think I'll skip the baby for now thanks, my self care is more important.. No. Most people I know dont talk that way.
I do however have a lot of friends that are super into self care nothing to do with planning another baby or not. One friend has 8 kids loves kids, is a super mom, and would have more but she doesnt work, is supported fully by her husband, shes always posting pictures of herself getting pedicures, at spas, and sitting in hot tubs saying, ahh self care is so important. Or, MUST make time for self care! and somehow it just makes me a bit nauseous. I have another friend who has only one kid not by choice, she has sif would LOVE to have another baby but cant Sad and she is also always posting pictures of herself going out for coffee with a friend, or sometimes leaving her one kid with a babysitter so she can go out on dates, manicures, walks etc.. and she is always posting about how self care is soooo important, and, cant be a healthy mommy without self care.. blah blah.. the term self care is thrown around a lot , and has become a trend. nothing to do with how many babies you want or have or planned. and somehow the idea of pamper yourself cuz you deserve it has gone a tad too far.
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ora_43




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 3:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So yes everyone knows what’s good for them it’s the attitude of others preaching to you. Like if you want 10 kids others telling you that you can’t be a mother you can’t be a wife to your husband etc yes some people can.

OK this I can agree with.

Some people just can't grasp the concept of others being able to do something they can't. Like, if I realized that I can't handle having 10 kids, it must mean nobody can. All those women with 10 kids are just like I once was, but still living in denial. They must all have terrible marriages, or are secretly unhappy, or aren't giving their kids the love and individual attention they need, or...

It's unkind and untrue. I can't handle having 10 kids, but plenty of other people can.
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thriver




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 7:39 pm
amother [ Wine ] wrote:
Thank you amother beige.
I come from a family almost double the size I have. I didn't know difficult pregnancies and special needs kids and sholom bayis could give such a reality check. I say that if you have one special needs child, it is like you have ten children. I try to remember that Hashem knows what's best for me.


I always say “I have quality over quantity!”

Anybody’s family size is NO ONE ELSE’S business...

What is the goal of this thread...?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 7:43 pm
Since every thread on imamother is derailed so was this one.

What I’m saying you make a choice for yourself how many you want but don’t judge others. Don’t say the amount t of what I have is enough and I should enjoy life. Don’t say the person with 10 kids don’t have shalom bayis, can’t be a great mom etc. that’s all
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mig100




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 8:17 pm
ora_43 wrote:


Some people just can't grasp the concept of others being able to do something they can't. Like, if I realized that I can't handle having 10 kids, it must mean nobody can,


This should be bolded and posted and pinned a hundred times.

This is why this thread got derailed

This is why everyone gets so worked up about bc

This is why many posts that EVERYONE should be on bc for × amount of time after every baby.
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pause




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 8:42 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Since every thread on imamother is derailed so was this one.

What I’m saying you make a choice for yourself how many you want but don’t judge others. Don’t say the amount t of what I have is enough and I should enjoy life. Don’t say the person with 10 kids don’t have shalom bayis, can’t be a great mom etc. that’s all


Is this part where we shouldn't judge others??? Banging head
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tigerwife




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 8:50 pm
Just remember that not everyone with a smaller family has x amount of children because of “self care”. There are many, many reasons one cannot have children at certain times. It is beyond our control, although we like to think that we can “family plan”. There are many women out there with smaller families who seem to be just enjoying life while inside they’re dying for another.

Repeat after me: “I can never know or understand why anyone has the amount of children they do, and it isn’t my place to wonder about it.”
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Stars




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 9:13 pm
I don't understand like half of what I just read here.
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 9:45 pm
Stars wrote:
I don't understand like half of what I just read here.


Lol me neither.
All I do know is that I have 2 precious children and I'd love to have more. I cycled and did early morning appointments and all that to conceive both of them. Bh I did conceive both without having to do ivf, though the process wasn't the easiest. Id love to have more children but I can't go thru the whole cycling and meds process at this moment in my life. But the feelings I get are either one of two things:
1. Nebbach for you that you only have 2 children, spaced out
2. Wow, why wouldnt you have more children? Why did you stop at 2??

I wish everyone in the world would just mind their own goddamn business!!! No one's life is for you to judge. I hate the people who look at me with #1 as well as #2 feelings above.
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amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 10:08 pm
pause wrote:
Is this part where we shouldn't judge others??? Banging head


Exactly.

You're saying nobody should judge others, then going ahead and judging others.

Do you have a supportive family? Mother? Sisters? Aunts? Cousins?

Many people don't. They're on their own.

Do you have a decent size house to live in? Are you able to afford the mortgage payment?

Many people can't. They're living in small spaces.

Are you able to treat yourself from time to time? Get yourself a coffee? Go walking? Buy a new stroller?

Many people can't. They're living so tightly that there's no room for non-necessities.

Do you have the flexibility to take as much time off as you need after having a baby? Rest up, bond with your baby, take time to recuperate?

Many people don't. They're back to work at 6 weeks PP.

Are you overall happy and enjoying life? Then don't judge others for wanting the same thing for themselves.
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amother




Babypink
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 10:31 pm
Just wanted to remind everyone of the miracle and responsibility of a child.
A child is a whole world and something G -d entrust to us to care for and raise
1 or 2 or 24 it's worlds of worlds.
No need to express need for more or less just we should be totally appreciative of these precious gifts. Within our own hishtadlus to do what is right for us is Hashems master plan. We've all got work to do!
( Does this make sense?)
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Gerbera




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 10:58 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
The post went a bit off and it was mentioned people having babies and not taking care of themselves or people needing to care for themselves. Some men and women don’t care on there spouses size not always does having more babies cause shalom bayis issues, My view has been yes take care of yourself but doesn’t have to be all the time, I love my kids and I hope hashem will grant me more but in my opinion they are never enough at an older age they keep You young they bring in nachas. This whole new world of self care has gone to far!!

Does anyone agree with me?


Completely disagree with you.

It's like putting an oxygen mask on yourself before your child on a plane. You absolutely need to be in a healthy place emotionally, physically and mentally before being able to care for other humans. It makes absolute sense that ppl need to take care of themselves.

I feel you're a bit naive with your view on things and it seems BH you don't know from the struggles of illness or financial hardships.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 11:18 pm
Gerbera wrote:
Completely disagree with you.

It's like putting an oxygen mask on yourself before your child on a plane. You absolutely need to be in a healthy place emotionally, physically and mentally before being able to care for other humans. It makes absolute sense that ppl need to take care of themselves.

I feel you're a bit naive with your view on things and it seems BH you don't know from the struggles of illness or financial hardships.


Did you read my post??? I’m saying what people say about others I’m not judging peoples family size I’m saying others who are judging!

And btw I grew up in very poor conditions and a very ill mother so all those that are judging me of being naive and stupid thanks a lot I wish I was that naive and stupid but nope
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amother




Tan
 

Post  Sat, Jan 25 2020, 11:23 pm
The conundrum here is that there is no going back. We can be a certain age, with a certain number of kids and make a decision to stop having kids due to whatever reason (finances, lifestyle, sholam bayis, sn kids etc) and then years later feel that it was a mistake, but you can never redo it. We do the best we can, making the decisions that seem right at the time, but we don't know how we will feel later on.
I had my first few kids close together, and due to various reasons, went on bc. I thought I would never have any more. After an 8 year break, I went on to have 3 more kids. I now have two "generations". I look back at those years and wonder how different my life would have been had I had them closer together. Having kids at 40 is very different than having them at 30. But I am so grateful to have had a second chance. I wonder how many women decided not to have any more, only to regret it when it was too late.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 12:25 am
amother [ Tan ] wrote:
The conundrum here is that there is no going back. We can be a certain age, with a certain number of kids and make a decision to stop having kids due to whatever reason (finances, lifestyle, sholam bayis, sn kids etc) and then years later feel that it was a mistake, but you can never redo it. We do the best we can, making the decisions that seem right at the time, but we don't know how we will feel later on.
I had my first few kids close together, and due to various reasons, went on bc. I thought I would never have any more. After an 8 year break, I went on to have 3 more kids. I now have two "generations". I look back at those years and wonder how different my life would have been had I had them closer together. Having kids at 40 is very different than having them at 30. But I am so grateful to have had a second chance. I wonder how many women decided not to have any more, only to regret it when it was too late.


You're assuming regret can only go in 1 direction. No one will admit regretting having a child, but it's possible to see how a situation is far less than ideal due to decisions that were made.
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Gerbera




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 12:32 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Did you read my post??? I’m saying what people say about others I’m not judging peoples family size I’m saying others who are judging!

And btw I grew up in very poor conditions and a very ill mother so all those that are judging me of being naive and stupid thanks a lot I wish I was that naive and stupid but nope


Yup, read your post...and answered your question. You feel self care has gone too far. You feel children keep you young and give you nachas. You feel there's never enough. And you ask if there's anyone who agrees with you. I do not. Where did I mention family size? I'm speaking about self care.

So, I'm the very ill mother currently in a very tight financial situation because of losing my job due to illness....and given your background I guess I struggle understanding your ideas. Did not mention you were stupid.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 12:47 am
Gerbera wrote:
Yup, read your post...and answered your question. You feel self care has gone too far. You feel children keep you young and give you nachas. You feel there's never enough. And you ask if there's anyone who agrees with you. I do not. Where did I mention family size? I'm speaking about self care.

So, I'm the very ill mother currently in a very tight financial situation because of losing my job due to illness....and given your background I guess I struggle understanding your ideas. Did not mention you were stupid.


I’m sorry I guess you didn’t understand what I was saying in op.
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