WWYD? Sister's wedding

amother

Seashell

Thu, Sep 10 2020, 9:38 pm

amother [ Amber ] wrote:

You don’t have to understand everything and you don’t know if she’ll be fine.

Oh really? So her mother is making a huge wedding, indoors, with 300 people. We've been hearing lots and lots of cases happening after these weddings. She's literally DUE right by the wedding. So right after the wedding, right when her family is exposed, she's going to move in with her infant baby into her mother's house???

Does this make any sense to anyone? If we can all make Pesach by ourselves, we can sit at home with our one and only child and deal with a newborn who mostly sleeps and eats. What if the mother gets sick? Who's helping this brand new mother and her baby?

And why would we start exposing an infant to Covid? If you're old enough to get married, and old enough to get pregnant and have a baby, you're old enough NOT to move back into your Mommy's house. We all need to grow up.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Sep 10 2020, 10:06 pm

No one can tell you what to do. But based on what we've been seeing as these events, there's a real risk that there will be community spread at the wedding.

Assuming you don't already have the baby by then, there's a very high chance you will be walking into a hospital within the next couple of weeks. If you caught Covid and don't know it when you come in, you can expose hospital staff to Covid. You can expose others in the waiting room to Covid. If you have serious symptoms, or even have a fever, etc, the doctors may think it's best the baby isn't exposed to you until you recover.

I'm 8 months pregnant and I don't believe I would go in your shoes, but I'm not in your shoes and don't have a sister getting married. If you're going to go regardless, at the very least you and DH should wear an N95, stay away from people and duck out as soon as you can. I just don't think it's practical to go and stay away from people and I think the stress would be too much for me, so I'd probably not go.

banana123

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 6:13 am

Sucky, but DH and I (and our kids) would skip the wedding entirely.

The equation is like this:

Four hours of simcha while you are nervous and on shpilkes, vs the very real possibility of testing positive in the hospital and having to fight not to be separated from your baby, and having to fight for proper care in a coronavirus ward because you're no longer in the regular maternity ward.

For us the four hours of simcha-on-shpilkes would not be worth a day or two of tremendous agmat nefesh caused by testing positive during the birth, plus the very real risk of complications due to coronavirus, and a lengthy recovery time.

YMMV, and it could be that when you do the math, it'll come out worth it for you to attend the wedding anyways.

banana123

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 6:14 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

I find the response a interesting

I recently had a siblings wedding in my ninth month. It didn't occur to me not to go when I do take covid seriously. It was a smaller outdoor wedding.

Op I hear ur concern. Now that I'm at the end of the ninth month I am more concerned about getting it. Still not terribly nerveous. I am more concerned about hospital then the actual diseases

It's a tough decision
No easy answer

Hatzlocha and bshaa tova!

"Smaller outdoor" isn't the same as "normal with 300+ people."

If the smaller, outdoor wedding also had people keeping SD and wearing masks, I'd also go, even at the end of the 9th month. In the situation OP described, I wouldn't go.

amother

Bisque

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 7:08 am

banana123 wrote:

This.
I'm sorry, OP, I recommend you and dh stay home and that you don't have contact with your family afterwards. It's not worth the worry, the stress or the risk. I missed my sister's wedding in February. (A friend did facebook live videos). I was upset, but I made it through. The best thing for you and your baby is to stay healthy.

Can your husband help after the birth? I know he isn't experienced, but he can be an extra pair of hand.

Bsha tova!

amother

Azure

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 7:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My sister is getting married soon and I will be 39 weeks pregnant at her wedding.
My parents are being totally unrealistic about the coronavirus situation- planning for a normal wedding, 300+ people,inside etc. (NY area)
I think my mother understands that it's not realistic, but I doubt she'll do anything about it- she's not a boat-rocker, and my sister would be soooo upset if she doesn't get to have a normal wedding.

I'm super nervous for obvious reasons- what happens if I catch corona at the wedding and test positive when I go into labor? or if I pass it to my baby during or after birth CH"V? (we tested negative for antibodies).
Additionally we were planning on going to my parents after I have the baby (this is my first), and my mother reassured me that they would quarantine for 2 weeks or whatever beforehand if that was what made us comfortable. Now that's obviously not going to happen...
I just don't know what to do or what's going to be, and all these unknowns are making me so nervous... can you please reassure me that it'll be ok?
This is aside from the stress of having to find a gown that I might not even wear, and wondering whether I'll have the baby before, after, during the wedding....

First of all, bshaa tova! Having a baby during these times is very stressful to say the least. Did they schedule your sister's wedding knowing you would be so late in your pregnancy?
Personally, I would be way too nervous to go to the wedding. Mother and baby's health is the most important thing. And that comes first. And I would stay home after the baby is born, I think that is the safest. Especially since your parents just made a simcha and were exposed to so many.

amother

Taupe

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 8:41 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

Good luck with that for a first birth

Speaking of, maybe OP should feign "false labor" day of the wedding and stay home. First baby, all that stress, no one would bat an eye Wink

OP but really, pregnant women might be at risk of placental issues and blood clots if they catch COVID and that's something you really, really don't want to have to deal with in any labor, especially your first. You're right to be cautious. Please take care of your health and that of your baby.

amother

Green

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 8:50 am

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

Speaking of, maybe OP should feign "false labor" day of the wedding and stay home. First baby, all that stress, no one would bat an eye Wink

and hemorrhage, and infection, and emergency c-section during/ after birth
and requiring ICU care

amother

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 10:27 am

Thanks everyone, I got some really good advice here...

It seems like the staying by my parents part is for sure not an option unfortunately Sad

It's an early in the week wedding and they are hosting shabbos sheva brachos (probably no corona precautions there either Rolling Eyes

) so even if they go into quarantine right after that the timing still may not work out

For the person who told me I need to grow up, BH I am grown up and I do feel capable of taking care of a baby with my amazing husband's help.
However, the norm among pretty much all my friends is that you go to your mother with your first baby (whether anonymous imamothers think that's necessary or not).
So while I'm prepared to not do that, I think you can understand why the idea is a little scary for me (and more scary for my mother lol)
Whoever pointed out that if I get sick I could also expose other people in the hospital/ ER, that's actually a really good point that I didn't think of. so thank you for pointing that out.
As far as why the wedding is scheduled so late in my pregnancy... I was 6 months pregnant when my sister got engaged so you do the math. Especially with the yomim tovim making the wedding earlier was not such an option, and my mom figured that if it's before my due date rather than after, there's a better chance I'll be able to come.

I have a smallish family and I'm the oldest, so there's also a certain pressure- its not like I'm the 5th of 11 siblings and if I don't show up no one will really notice. If I'm not there it will be very very very obvious.
My husband thinks maybe we should at least go for pictures... but that makes me nervous too because I obviously can't wear a mask then and my family has not been being careful at ALL.

bonus- if I go I can save lots of money on makeup!
Seems like the general consensus is that it would be better not to go at all, but if I'm going to go then definitely wear a good mask and be very very careful to stay away from people, stay as short as possible without making it into a thing

This is making me really sad because I'm not going to have that many siblings' weddings, and under normal circumstances I would be so so excited and thrilled and party it up at the wedding. I guess in the scheme of things it could be way worse but it still makes me sad to think about.

I like the false labor idea ( Twisted Evil

bwahahaha)
Problem is my mom's on this website! so not sure if I can get away with that now Wink

I have a lot to think about...

amother

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 10:56 am

syrima wrote:

We made a wedding recently and my SIL had a newborn.
SIL wore a mask the whole time, did not dance, baby stayed in the carriage.
Only exception was for a few seconds for a family picture. it can be fast.
Our wedding was smaller, chuppah with masks, but indoors. We all totally respected her decision.
Speak up about your concerns. They are valid!

I've tried to talk to my mother. She doesn't want to hear it... I said something like "Ma you know depending on what's going on with Corona we may not feel comfortable coming to the wedding" and she basically blew me off- she got really upset by the suggestion that we may not come while totally ignoring the reason why we don't feel comfortable.
I think she does know that they aren't going about this in the right way but like I said in my OP she's not going to do anything about it.

amother

Slateblue

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 11:18 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks everyone, I got some really good advice here...

It seems like the staying by my parents part is for sure not an option unfortunately Sad

It's an early in the week wedding and they are hosting shabbos sheva brachos (probably no corona precautions there either Rolling Eyes

bwahahaha)
Problem is my mom's on this website! so not sure if I can get away with that now Wink

I have a lot to think about...

BTW, if you do end up going, what's your plan for makeup? I was uncomfortable with the hygiene situation, so I did my own face. Figured behind a mask it can't be too bad lol.