How in the world do divorced women survive financially?

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Dec 03 2020, 12:30 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

I just have to mention this story that shows the disparity among divorced women.
As I said in my above post, I have my kids full time and don’t get any child support.
I was on a date with a guy and he told me his ex wife doesn’t work and he fully pays for everything. He pays the entire tuition bills, utilities, groceries etc. while his ex sits at home. The reason for this was because she was a SAHM during their marriage and he was responsible to continue with this arrangement. He said eventually she’d have to get a job but for now she lived in style and didn’t need an income.
And here I am. The complete opposite.
So divorced women can do very well. Between child support, alimony, tuition, they may even do better financially divorced than married.

Some divorced men too.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Dec 03 2020, 12:49 pm

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

That would be an additional court battle with a different judge, and there's no way I have the legal fees to support that or a even be able to make a case to change from 50/50. The default is 50/50, that's been the custody order for decade. It's basically almost impossible to change. I could spend $100k that I really don't have, not get anything changed, and now have the judge pissed at me if I ever came back if there were a real issue.

And I'm not poor enough to get pro bono legal fees or reduced legal fees. Also, this isn't NYC....The family courts here on a good day don't like seeing litigious parents over piddly stuff--they see parents actually dealing with really really messed up situations--homelessness, crime, drugs, etc--, and they really don't like it now when the courts are backed up with COVID.

That's really tough. Hashem should help you!! Ein od milvado. The judge should change all for the better and should say you shall not give any child support anymore. Again, Hashem can make anything happen. Davening for you.

amother

Pearl

Thu, Dec 03 2020, 12:49 pm

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

Their father had told them before the divorce and seminary is not a must in our circles.

He told them that he plans on being stingy? Or that seminary is not a must?
It’s not a must! I know families that explained to their daughters they couldn’t afford it... even if “all” their friends were going. Definitely better to raise emotionally stable children and keep them home for seminary without making them feel bad about anything.

It sounds like your ex told them that seminary is not a must and not in his budget but you told them he’s being stingy. I feel bad for your kids that they have to hear bad things about a parent.

amother

Jade

Thu, Dec 03 2020, 12:51 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

We really can't make assumptions. Her post wasn't very clear on who said what

amother

Slategray

Thu, Dec 03 2020, 1:00 pm

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

I have an underemployed, lazy ex with useless college degrees (but he could still have been getting proper jobs, raises, etc. with his skills).

He gets child support from me because, even though we have 50/50 custody, I made more than 30K more than him when we divorced a decade ago. I also pay most of medical/childcare (which thankfully the latter is moot now).

He got remarried, the new wife wants to live like their doctor friends (but she's not a doctor either), and now he's suing me for 5-6x child support and to pay nearly all medical, allow him to claim the kids on taxes every year and not allow me at all, etc.

I worked the last decade in my career, hardly shooting up the corporate ladder--going at a snail's pace as a single mom who keeps shabbos.

He played around going part time, working on a masters degree that didn't or wouldn't do anything for his earning potential, bouncing from entry level job to entry level job eventually and making no more annually than he did 10 years ago.

But I make 30% more than I made ten years ago--but that basically just kept up with cost of living(barely). Remember, I pay most of medical, and medical expenses, premiums, out of pocket have gone up a lot in 10 years.

So, he got to take my hard earned little bit of money when we divorced, and 10 years later, gets to drag me to court so he and his new wife can take my hard earned money since neither one of them ever made actual careers or got steady jobs. They live way outside their means, rack of CC bills, etc. While I went through a second divorce, tons of legal bills with an unreasonable x2, and I just dug out from one of those mountains....was looking forward to getting some necessary repairs done at my house..but guess that won't happen. I never go on vacation, while they hop all over. I own 3 pieces of real furniture (vs. pressboard stuff) that I did not buy/get second hand...while his new wife would "accidentally" send me receipts of all the new furniture they buy. They are members of 2 shuls. I struggle to pay dues to the one cheaper shul.

But, they do work a bit under the table or bartering services, get a lot of help from his parents (ie. vacations, etc), but it's not worth paying an expert or 2 to try to show what's what.

The system just allows jerks like this, who preach that they follow halachah, to not follow halachah.

There's a special place somewhere for people like my ex and his wife.

So, the answer is divorced women get by 1. changing their own expectations 2. davening a lot and 3. help from Hashem, because it's just not possible. Either it's an ex who doesn't support getting away with it, or and ex milking his ex wife getting away with it.

I'm also a geyores, and have no other help. No one in my community would care. They could actually be shamed for their behavior and it would stop them, but no one will call them out on it.

But after 120, they will have to face their Maker.

I lived on <$20/month for food for about 6 months in college. I sucked it up. It was scary at first, but eventually I got into a routine and I wasn't miserable really at all (but I did feel relief when that tight period was over).

I'll get buy. My kids won't get any more sleep away camp. There won't be seminary/zal. There won't be college tuition, and my daugther's father can figure out the wedding if it needs to be one to keep up with the Cohens. And if he gets the increase he wants, the little bit of money I have for day school tuition will disappear and there won't be that either unless they want to just accept I don't pay.
I can't move somewhere cheaper--I don't live somewhere insanely expensive anyways.

I am sorry you are going through this and am sending you all my love. My ex also took a lot of advantage of me financially and left me penniless with crushing debt. It was before the divorce now I have full custody and no child support but I understand that pain and terrible feeling. I am sending you all of my love and good wishes

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Dec 03 2020, 1:01 pm

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

AMEIN!

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Dec 03 2020, 1:01 pm

amother [ Slategray ] wrote:

Thank you!

amother

Seashell

Fri, Dec 04 2020, 1:38 pm

ok so someone here mentioned in the begining of the topic. that the children end up knowing that they were used as pawns and they find out what went on. yes they do. but in my case the mother was the meanest of all to her children she got them and the father didnt see them. she bad mouthed him and he didnt end up having a relationship till his kids got married. and one of them doesnt know him at all because of this.

to this day she even tells her daughter in laws that if her grandchildren will speak to this grandfather she will have no relationship to them. and not speak to my children! and not only that the children from this divorce dont have a good relationship with their father. its already too many years and too much in between them. he didnt raise them and they didnt see him for many years. and the mother made him be like hes a "monster" which is entirely not true. (yes he has issues but hes not mean and certainly not the monster she told her kids)

so she won this all she has the kids to herself and they have a better relationship with her then with thier father. and all due to her narcisstic bully behavior. shes a snake. I hate her!

amother

Scarlet

Fri, Dec 04 2020, 3:15 pm

kind of off topic eh?

sounds insane

no parent can keep children away from another parent when there are court orders with which to be complied

cnc

Fri, Dec 04 2020, 3:28 pm

amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:

kind of off topic eh?

sounds insane

no parent can keep children away from another parent when there are court orders with which to be complied

Theoretically you’re right - realistically you’re wrong. Parental alienation etc.