Leaving baby at stranger to go on vacation

amother

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 10:18 pm

Teomima wrote:

I didn't respond to the poll nor have I read through all the comments. This is response to the first post only.

OP I think you're tajing a very black-and-white approach to all this. If it works for your sil, why do you have to call her selfish? And if you prefer not to, why does she have to think you're crazy? Everyone has to do what they feel is best for their family. No one owes anyone else any explanation.

Just agree to disagree, end of story.

Can you please explain how it's not selfish to leave a nursing 1 year old baby at a stranger he never met before?
I only said it's selfish when she wouldn't stop shaming me that I'm a crazy baby for not doing it. I didn't tell her she's selfish, I said that I think it's a selfish thing to do.

amother

Goldenrod

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 10:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Op you seem very confident that leaving the baby is wrong ( I agree 100 percent) but then why the need for all these opinions to solidify your own?

amother

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 10:47 pm

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

Op you seem very confident that leaving the baby is wrong ( I agree 100 percent) but then why the need for all these opinions to solidify your own?

I just want to know the train of thought behind thinking that it's not a selfish thing to do.
We need to stop saying "do what works for you." We should do what works for the baby.

amother

Bisque

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 11:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's not like you are going to change her mind.
And it doesn't sound like understanding this mindset will change yours. So let it go (unless you want to volunteer to babysit her baby so he's with a caring relative), stop discussing it with her. It's not worth ruining family ties over.

amother

Navy

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 11:38 pm

I'll answer from the other side of the coin. Unfortunately my siblings and in laws are not the helpful and not up to taking my kids when I need to leave. Even when I had my babies or had a child with a medical condition in the hospital.
Family didn't step in to help and take my kids so without choice I gave my little ones away for money to babysitters. You do what you need to do.
Nursing babies might be different but which family member would take a nursing baby for days so that you can go on vacation? A nursing baby should be taken along, IMHO.

Teomima

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 11:57 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Because everyone makes different choices for their family and their children and I don't see any point of getting sucked into and argument about what's right and what's wrong, since really there's no such thing. This argument could be about anything "controversial": co-sleeping, sleep training, going back to work shortly after birth, nursing, not nursing, etc etc etc. There's no need to hold any other parent to your own standards. She shouldn't shame you, you shouldn't call her actions selfish.

I don't call anyone else's parenting choices selfish because I don't pretend to understand what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe a couple is having horrible shalom bayit issues and the baby is making it worse and for the sake of the marriage they need to get away and this is their only option. Who knows. This is just one example.

Either way, live and let live. And let it go.

amother

Sun, Feb 14 2021, 12:02 am

amother [ Bisque ] wrote:

I have never discussed it with her. We were talking last week and she mentioned that she's going away and leaving her baby by a sitter and why don't I do the same. I said that it's not something I'm comfortable doing so she started making fun of me. She left her babies multiple times, for her it's a regular thing to do. It's the first time the I discussed it with her and I only told her my opinion once she brought it up.

amother

Linen

Sun, Feb 14 2021, 12:06 am

Just saying, OP, and all others out there, that while most of us would never do this, it is important to be dlkz the sil.
None of us know what she’s thinking but it’s not a good idea to judge her or label her. The goal here has to be to bring you-OP- and sil to a peaceful place, where you both respect each other. Maybe you’ll even be a good influence on her one day lol:)

meeze

Sun, Feb 14 2021, 12:26 am

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

Babies very much feel and suffer from abandonment.

I felt terrible leaving my 1.5 yr old baby by my sil. I needed to go on vacation and my husband thought that he will be okay for 1 week.

Boy did I feel bad afterwards.

We came home and had a supper get together the night we landed. We were at our aunts house and in walks my sil with my baby in the carriage. He first froze, not expecting us to be there, then threw his bottle on the floor and came running to my husabnd. For the rest of the night, he didnt want to leave our side.
Of course he was excited to see us, but I beleive it left some negetive abandonment feedings in him. Since that day till now, he never ever wants to leave me or my husband for 5 minutes to go play with our downstairs neighbor in the same building (he loves the neighbors, but would never go alone).
Also, if he needs to go to a diff room in our own house, mammy has to come along. If I go to the bathroom or shower for 5 minutes, I need to constantly talk to him from inside the bathroom or he would say mommy 20 times till I respond.

I always since that incident, take him along.
I tried once to convince him to stay by a babysitter now that he is almosy turning 3 (to go to wedding), and he cried so much that my heart couldn't take it
I of course left the babysitter and took him along.

Think about your child's emotional connection he has with you, its very hard for him.
As a by the way, my bil started stutterring severely out of the blue right after his mother left him by a babysitter at 3 yrs old. He is now over 40 and stutters like crazy. Therapy barely helps. He claims its from that night he was left alone with someone.

These things effect a child, especially if they cant properly communicate with the parent and/or left by someone without their siblings.

amother

Blonde

Sun, Feb 14 2021, 5:27 am

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

People who truly struggle and need a vacation for their mental health don't flaunt it and don't bash those who don't do it.

I wonder what nursing people do. Do they abruptly stop nursing and deal with leaky and engorged breasts on vacation?
Does their baby just automatically start to take a bottle? Just like that?

#BestBubby

Sun, Feb 14 2021, 5:48 am

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

I agree. We need to pass all sorts of tests for lots of things in life like driving a car or becoming a teacher or even working at a cash register, but for some reason anyone and everyone has the right to become a parent, no license needed, not even one class is required.

If we needed a license to be parents no religious Jew or christian would be allowed to have children.

We are haters anti lgbqt.

amother

Babypink

Sun, Feb 14 2021, 6:04 am

Teomima wrote:

If the sister-in-law just went on vacation and left her kids, I would say to just give her the benefit of the doubt.

But that's not the case here. She's making fun of someone for not doing what she does. That's what's not ok. Especially when I don't think any child rearing expert would advise this behavior.

southernbubby

Sun, Feb 14 2021, 9:32 am

When I became frum, I was shocked at how anti- child psychology the community was and how oblivious many were to threats to mental and physical safety. It took lots of outside exposure, kids going badly OTD, suicides, divorces, etc before rabbonim took child molestation, abuse, and neglect seriously. Years ago, there would probably have been many people defending child rearing practices that have been solidly PROVEN to be devastatingly harmful. I would never take child rearing advice from anyone who still thinks that way.
This is about vacations and not situations where the nursing mother is too sick to be home with her baby. Yes, some vacations are necessary but not if involves leaving a non verbal baby or barely verbal toddler with someone who they barely know or who they don't know at all for long periods of time.
Even during my long hospitalization when I had my last child, my kids were allowed to visit. It's not the same thing as going far away for a long period of time.
Some people and some groups of people choose ignorance over science and psychology and often pay a heavy price for this and it only changes if we change it

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Feb 14 2021, 10:01 am

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

The best defense, is often and aggressive offensive.
Rather that questioning yourself and seeing if what you are doing is correct and in your child’s best interest, deflect the doubt and guilt and make fun of someone for having a different idea than you, who is questioning you. The same tactic can and is used for many things. I would site examples, but then we will just go off topic.

People who are confident in their choices being correct will defend them, and show evidence, not try to get others to do it too (safety in numbers) or mock others who disagree.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Feb 14 2021, 11:25 am

There are many different types of parents and styles of attachment. In the old world ( and to a lesser degree today) there are children raised almost exclusively by nannies and shipped of to boarding school by 7 or 8 years old. At the other end are the mammas boys and girls.

You do you. Neither end is abusive, just less than ideal by manys opinions. Your opinion will not change things.