Leaving baby at stranger to go on vacation

southernbubby

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 1:10 pm

When my youngest son spent 5 months in the NICU, he was enrolled in a study through Case Western Reserve University to determine the effects of long term ventilator use on the physical, intellectual, emotional, social, etc development of the child. Because we were involved with this team of psychologists, we were able to speak to them about these developmental issues whenever they arose.
To cut to the chase, a friend wanted to leave her almost year old nursing baby with a woman from an agency and leave for more than a week. I agreed to ask the top PhD psychologist if this was okay and the answer was a resounding "no".
This is something that there is information online about and there is no reason to trust the advice of this relative.

amother

Orchid

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 1:11 pm

tweety1 wrote:

While I don't agree, plz don't judge your sil. As much as you think you know what goes on in her life, you might really not know. Maybe she really needs the break. I have a sibling that goes away a few times a yr. The husband really needs the break and get away with his wife. She'll do whatever it takes to make it happen.
I feel it's insensitive to judge others even if you don't agree with whatever they do, and even if on the outside looks totally wrong.

Life is tough, you cant just run away with your husband whenever you want when you have kids . Everyone is burnt out and would love to get away but you cant just leave a baby with a stranger because you feel that you MUST get away . You have a responsibility to your children.

amother

Tan

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 1:16 pm

I've gone on vacation with DH and a nursing baby. I can think of about 2 times. Left older kids with teenage siblings babysitting or possibly they went to friends.

I NEVER left my nursing babies.

I try not to judge those who do.

But my mother nursed me but I am pretty sure I have some attachment disorder. It's too easy to traumatize children. Especially if parents are self-absorbed.

I am pretty sure that good parenting is about putting your children first. That means you get up for a crying child even when you'd rather sleep. You spend money to get them braces which you'd rather spend on a vacation.

You can make time for your marriage without traumatizing your children. If you understand what abandonment feels like. If someone doesn't, they should probably read a few books. Or what passes for information today.

southernbubby

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 1:18 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What's not my business? That she's shaming me and calling me names because I wouldn't do it?

See if Dr Lynn Singer is still available at Case Western Reserve University. I'm sure that she is a bigger expert than this bully of a relative.

amother

Ruby

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 1:23 pm

It's hard for those of us who are not part of communities where this is normal, to understand those who are part of the community where this is standard practice and people do it all the time.

I personally send to a babysitter near my work that is part of the community where it's normal. I send during the day while I'm at work and I pick up every day after work. She also takes children overnight while the parents go on vacation. Very often she is a stranger to the children. She is the most loving and caring person. However she is not their mother who they know and trust. And I see babies/toddlers there sometimes who she just cannot soothe and they cry and cry for their mother. It's heartbreaking.

By the time the parents come back from vacation, the child is usually fine, but it's hard to see them during the first couple of days.

Not something I think I could ever do.

Chayalle

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 1:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Exactly. But her opinion is that it's a yiddisha home that does it for parnassa and what bad things can happen in a yiddisha home?

Sadly enough...plenty....

Debbig

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 1:33 pm

The problem I see in this situation op has nothing to do with leaving kids but with the way your sister in law is making you feel.
You need to tell her I appreciate how much you want me to go on vacation but I’m an adult & I get to make decisions regarding my life & I’m asking you to please stop speaking to me about it.
If she ever brings it up again just keep repeating the same thing.

amother

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 1:40 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

I don't know of a community where it's normal to leave a baby, especially a nursing baby, for a non emergency & to go on vacation. It's probably a mentality of certain people but I don't think it's a community norm.

familyfirst

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 1:56 pm

Your sister intake feels guilty and wants you to join her team so that she could drop the guilt.

Making fun of a mother for being too attached to her children?!?
Wear that attachment as a badge of honor. You’re doing the right thing.
And why is your mother in law insistent that you go on vacation?
Is this message coming from your husband through them?

amother

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:05 pm

familyfirst wrote:

No way is this coming from my husband! He'd never send me messages through anyone, we talk to each other's.
DH is way more against this idea than I am. His idea of vacation is being home for shabbos.

amother

Ruby

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:15 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There are communities where it is the norm. It's done all the time.

amother

Aqua

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:16 pm

Like you said before, most people wouldn't leave their kids to go on a vacation.
But since you are asking...could it be that she is feeling defensive? If I were you I wouldn't tell her that it's selfish to leave her babies, since that is probably making her want to team up with your mil and prove you wrong. I know what type of personality you're talking about. Just know that she's probably not so confidence with her decision and is probably refusing to address her feelings so instead she tells you you're crazy. When she says it to you just say how you feel without addressing her. For example just say you're right I am so attached to my babies they're so cute and I could never leave them!! Or say maybee I would leave them with my sister for a day but I would still miss them so much!
Basically don't play her game. Maybe she will learn from you!

amother

Wine

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:19 pm

Insanely selfish! I have no words for a mom who does that and causes a trauma to a baby. If you need to go on vacation take along any baby at least under a year with you ( and honestly I would do much older then that) and if your leaving a child behind leave them with familiar family.

amother

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:20 pm

amother [ Aqua ] wrote:

I only told her my opinion about it when she started making fun of me that I don't do it. Once she started shaming me and name calling I told her I think that it's a selfish thing to do.