Leaving baby at stranger to go on vacation

amother

Aqua

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I only told her my opinion about it when she started making fun of me that I don't do it. Once she started shaming me and name calling I told her I think that it's a selfish thing to do.

Honestly I think she is questioning herself. Maybe its what her mother did so thats what she's doing. Or maybe something else but I get the feeling she's the type that doesn't address her feelings and just pushes past. Therefore she is telling you you're soo crazy. She wants to hear your response. The thing is when you tell her what she's doing wrong she is doing everything to prove to you that you're wrong.
That's why I suggest just ignoring it and don't in any way feel crazy. Its totally normal not to leave your kids and especially not with people they don't know.

I really think that when she says anything if you show her what it means to be normal then she will learn faster than feeling on defense. Just say you're right I could neverrr leave my babies with anyone. I would miss them so much. She just wants to learn from you!

amother

Rose

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:28 pm

or we just don't go away. my dh and I have never gone away just the two of us.

not every couple goes away on vacation. it definitely sounds nice though Wink

my dh keeps telling me. we'll have time to travel when the kids are older. He is totally planning to travel around once the kids are out of the house.

we also have a smaller family. He's not interested in having babies for 20 years. we'll see what happens but I totally understand people with large families needing a break .

I just don't think we would feel comfortable leaving our kids with strangers.

amother

Wine

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:30 pm

Zehava wrote:

So cool that so many of you have family to leave your babies at. It isn’t an option for me so yes, I have left my toddlers with babysitters that they don’t know.

I don’t have family to leave them by so I don’t go away without them. Leaving babies is really not ok, as babies suffer from abandonment trauma.

amother

Chartreuse

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:31 pm

Zehava wrote:

So cool that so many of you have family to leave your babies at. It isn’t an option for me so yes, I have left my toddlers with babysitters that they don’t know.

I don’t have family. So I haven’t gone on vacation when I had toddlers.

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:35 pm

Theres 2 things going on here
1. OP wants reassurance that it’s not right of her sil to badger her about it
2. OP wants reassurance that sending to a baby to a stranger is selfish

I agree with 1.
I do not agree with 2.
Everyone has different circumstances.
I have twins (and more kids kh) and sometimes feel like I’m losing my mind. I do not have who should take them and yes I sometimes need a break if I want to stay sane. I know many people in my type of situation. If I’ve ever left them, I made sure to get a lot of info on the woman and also knew her to some extent. I didn’t just google a number and drop them off.
I will proudly say this is not selfish of me.
Kids need a healthy mother and if she is feeling like a wrung out rag then a break will do and the babies will get a happier mother in return.
And please don’t tell me to take my twins along on vacation. First offer to have them for a day and then you are welcome to make rosy vacation dreams around it.
No need to shame anyone if they do or dont lile this.
People should do what works for them and what is best for their family.
Regarding your sil, tell her to mind her own business and if she’s so desperate for you to go on vacation she can offer to take your kids...

doodlesmom

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:38 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

There are ways to make it less traumatic, like sending them to a morah they feel comfortable with, or by introducing them to the sitter a couple of times before.

southernbubby

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:40 pm

Zehava wrote:

So cool that so many of you have family to leave your babies at. It isn’t an option for me so yes, I have left my toddlers with babysitters that they don’t know.

Everyone has different pressures and priorities. I once went to the N'shei Chabad convention and left the kids with my husband but would have never left them for an overnight stay or for several days with a total stranger.
A friend once asked me to keep her baby and one of her older children for several days but I refused because I had a 3 month old and didn't get any sleep as it was.
I guess that vacations without babies don't mix. I think that it's asking for trouble and that it might cause long term or permanent psychological harm.
I realize that certain communities make decisions based on something other than science or psychology and I don't agree with that.

amother

Ivory

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:40 pm

Zehava wrote:

So cool that so many of you have family to leave your babies at. It isn’t an option for me so yes, I have left my toddlers with babysitters that they don’t know.

We’re talking about vacation. Not emergencies. The two options are not A. leave them with a stranger or B. leave then with family. The two options are A. leave them with family or B. stay home.
You had kids, you signed up for this.

The end.

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:43 pm

doodlesmom wrote:

There are ways to make it less traumatic, like sending them to a morah they feel comfortable with, or by introducing them to the sitter a couple of times before.

We are talking about babies/toddlers here who generally don’t go to a Morah.
On the few occasions I did send them to a babysitter, I did tell them a lot about it before. I said we are going to Bubby and made the packing all exciting and they were happy to go to Bubby.
It doesnt have to be traumatic just because some people here would like it that way so they feel good about their decisions instead of just being confident in whatever they decide to do

amother

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:43 pm

Zehava wrote:

So cool that so many of you have family to leave your babies at. It isn’t an option for me so yes, I have left my toddlers with babysitters that they don’t know.

I don't. Once I was lucky my MIL offered to take a 2 year old for afew days. I don't leave a baby till they start playgroup and they can sleep over at the teachers house.

amother

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:44 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

You can talk about it to a 1 year old all you want, they don't understand.

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:45 pm

Zehava wrote:

So cool that so many of you have family to leave your babies at. It isn’t an option for me so yes, I have left my toddlers with babysitters that they don’t know.

We don’t. So we don’t go on vacation without the kids.

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:46 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

A better choice would be to hire some help to take care of your twins on a daily basis.

PeanutMama

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:47 pm

Complete strangers, no WAY.

I don’t have family to watch my son but when I can’t bring my son along (like to appointments, for example, because of COVID) I would only leave them with a friend or neighbor I fully trust who can care for my son for that 1-2 hours.

But that’s different from a 2-7 day vacation.

We never went on vacation without my son. I’d hate to leave him behind. I’m quite attached to my son lol. He’s my first.
So nope never on my life will I leave my baby behind even to friends or neighbors that I know well.
Too hard for me.

I don’t know how other ppl do it.

Last edited by PeanutMama on Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:49 pm; edited 1 time in total

southernbubby

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:48 pm

doodlesmom wrote:

There are ways to make it less traumatic, like sending them to a morah they feel comfortable with, or by introducing them to the sitter a couple of times before.

Kids who are between ages one and two have a really hard time with separation and it may take more than a couple of brief introductions with a babysitter to reduce the trauma that the child feels when the parents don't return for days.
It may be necessary if parents are too stressed out to cope any longer but we can't say that the child doesn't suffer.

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 2:51 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

A better choice would be to hire some help to take care of your twins on a daily basis.

Who says I don’t?
You can still have help with kids and still drown.
Also are you also offering to pay for it or to only give free unsolicited advice?
I do what works for me and if you ever have twins you can do what works for you.
I am not telling anyone to send their kids anywhere. I am also not telling them to not take a break and consider whatever options would work for THEM.