Leaving baby at stranger to go on vacation

amother

Slategray

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 4:29 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

First of all, OP wasn't bashing or shaming. She was minding her own business. Her SIL was bashing and complaining about the fact that OP doesn't leave her kids with a sitter for vacations.

Second, when I left my kids with a sitter, she wasn't a stranger. I acquainted the kids with her by being home with her. I also recognize the difference between leaving my children for parnassah and leaving them for vacation; and between leaving them for a few hours and leaving them for a few days.

But you do you. You think its OK for YOUR kids, I'm not going to stop you. But if you stomp your feet and demand to know why I wouldn't do it, as OP's SIL did, I'm also not going to lie.

I'm not sure how many people acquaint their kids sitter before. When I told My sitter that my child doesn't go to playgroup, asking if it's still the same price, she shockingly answered, it's easier when they stay.

Also You misunderstood me about ops sil. I meant it in ops defense. It's NOT OKAY of her sil to bash and shame, regardless of why her sil is going away, for just because or desperation.

I'm all the way for; you do you and let others live.

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 4:31 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

Who says I don’t?
You can still have help with kids and still drown.
Also are you also offering to pay for it or to only give free unsolicited advice?
I do what works for me and if you ever have twins you can do what works for you.
I am not telling anyone to send their kids anywhere. I am also not telling them to not take a break and consider whatever options would work for THEM.

It’s not only about what’s good for the mother it has to be good for the kids too.

honey36

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 4:39 pm

I actually have family who would be willing to watch the kids while we go on vacation, but I feel really uncomfortable asking them. We did it once for 1 night (married 8 years) And that's only cuz my husband arranged it with my in laws. I felt bad about it.

And my mother is a very involved and loving grandmother, we have a great relationship with her, my kids love her, but I still wouldn't ask her to do it even though she'd for sure say yes. I just don't like asking favors from anyone.

If I really needed a vacation, I would be more comfortable paying someone to watch my kids than asking a favor from family. Obviously I would ask for references and have kids meet her before in the afternoon or something at least once or twice so she wouldn't be a total stranger.

Unfortunately I've never heard of anyone where I live even offering such a service. But I don't think it's such a big deal to leave the baby with a sitter overnight as long as they meet her at least a few times before.

Is there really such a difference from the child's perspective when the mother leaves him at the babysitter while she goes to work for 9 hours or overnight? Wouldn't they also feel abandoned if they were left for 9 hours straight?

Kiwi13

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 4:41 pm

OP, the fact that your SIL keeps bringing it up, and doing so harshly, makes me think she feels guilty about it and wants to make herself feel better (ie. that you're the crazy one) or maybe if she can convince you it's fine and get you to do it too, then it's normal and okay for her to keep doing it.

I never did anything like this, except for one night when I had emergency c-section for my twins that was obviously not something we could plan, so we had to have a stranger (to my son) pick up our 2yo and keep him for the night. Obviously a different situation, and my husband left the hospital first thing in the morning to go be with him.

As far as vacation for non-urgent reasons (I'm not about to judge people who NEED to get away for whatever reason... maybe their marriage desperately needs the break? Who knows), I personally would only do it for one night, MAYBE two, and only with a sitter my baby/toddler knows well.

For total strangers (who even I don't know), I always made sure to have them over for a while first with me around so I can gauge the interaction. An interview isn't a substitute for how they'll do ON the job. Yes, I pay them for that time.

amother

Slategray

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 4:45 pm

honey36 wrote:

My mom and mil would never say no, but I would never do it to my child, for more than a few hours or in an emergency. See, they're both in their low 60s and I want my child to have company. So yes, I do what's best for my child.

amother

Pink

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 4:59 pm

southernbubby wrote:

There is nothing wrong with leaving children with grandparents who are loving and capable of caring for them and who are familiar with the children.

Not everyone is lucky enough that there are grandparents or family members willing to take them. (I feel lucky that I am!) I don't nurse, but I have left one of my kids twice by their sitters overnight. If I trust the sitter every day while I go to work, why wouldn't I trust her when I go away overnight? And the child kind of knows them because it's their caregiver many hours of the day.

amother

Orange

Fri, Feb 12 2021, 7:18 pm

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

A sitter that your child goes to everyday and knows well is totally different than a sitter your child never met before. I’ve never done it, but I wouldn’t be particularly opposed to leaving my son with his nanny (whom he adores) for a night or two.

FranticFrummie

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 11:37 am

When DD was 18 months old, a friend offered me an all expense paid trip to Israel, because she doesn't like traveling alone. It was the opportunity of a lifetime.

I was gone for 2 weeks. I left DD with her dad, in her own home, her own bed, and according to him everything went smoothly.

When they came to pick me up at the airport she seemed happy to see me for a second, and then this look crossed her face like "Wait a minute, you LEFT ME!" and she burst into tears.

She cried all the way home. She refused to even make eye contact with me for a week. It took her a while to be comfortable around me again.

Don't tell me babies don't have feelings, and don't notice when you've been gone.

Of course she doesn't remember anything, and she's not scarred for life, and we're still very attached. Still, a good mother doesn't put her kids through unhappiness when there's no reason for it.

I don't regret the trip, but if I had known that DD was going to react so strongly I would have definitely given it a lot more thought instead of just jumping on the idea.

FranticFrummie

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 12:58 pm

DrMom wrote:

Leaving a baby with a *stranger*? No way.

DD didn't have a babysitter until she was over 5 years old. The only people who watched her were immediate family that I completely trusted.

I wanted to wait until she was old enough to articulately tell me if anything weird had happened. Even then, she only stayed with close friends, and only rarely.

With a *stranger*? Never in a million years!

amother

Mauve

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 1:09 pm

When DD was 9 months old I had to have surgery and stay in the hospital for 1 night.
She had never been with a babysitter up til then.
I organized a daytime babysitter, DH stayed with me as long as he could, then he went home to put her to bed and stay the night with her. He was there when she woke up. He fed her a bottle, and the babysitter came so he could come pick me up at the hospital.
I never left her again until she was 2 and my in laws came to stay with her so DH and I could go away for 1 night.
No, I would never leave my children with any non family member for a non emergency.

amother

cornflower

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 1:38 pm

No, I wouldn't do that, unless in a real emergency.
My mother left me with her mother, so not even a stranger, when I was about 1.5 years old, for a vacation. I can't say that I remember it, but I was told that I was crying most of the time and kept tugging my mother's bathrobe which was hanging there and trying to talk to it.

moonstone

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 2:52 pm

There's only one crazy person in your situation, OP, and it ain't you!

Your SIL is 100% wrong. Who in their right mind leaves a baby with a STRANGER???? I wouldn't even try to argue with her or explain why you'd never do such a thing. Just "I guess we'll have to agree to disagree."

amother

Babypink

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 3:56 pm

amother [ Slategray ] wrote:

Personally I find younger is easier to leave. Of course they have feelings, but they understand much less. I'm not talking of a nursing baby.

Older babies can be homesick and much much harder to calm down and make happy, even you can't talk to them.

Younger babies can have strong feelings of abandonment, compounded by confusion and the inability to express themselves or to understand whether their parents are coming back.

amother

Blonde

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 5:07 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Do you think it's acceptable to leave a 1-2 year old baby that's always home with you to go on vacation, at a babysitter the baby never saw before? Is it ok to do if you send the baby to a familiar person?
My sis in law constantly does it, she even leaves nursing babies, and she doesn't stop literally shaming me why I don't do it and I'm such a baby that I'm so attached to my kids. I told her that in my opinion it's pretty selfish of a parent to leave a baby for a non emergency and babies have feelings as well. She claims naaa babies don't remember and they're happy at the babysitter. She even got my MIL to try to convince me that I'm crazy for thinking that it's selfish to leave a baby at a stranger to go on vacation.
So does anyone agree that it's ok to send a baby to a stranger so parents can vacation? Please tell me that I'm not crazy for thinking that it's a selfish thing to do. ( barring an emergency of course.)

yes with a familiar person,
no with a strangger
I don't get how it works when the baby is nurisng

imaima

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 5:20 pm

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

So glad to hear that almost everyone is against it.

....yet somehow my neighbor has a steady parnassa doing this.

Well BH she has a parnasa. And ahe probably is a very caring person who can do the G-d's work by attending to Jewish children. SHE is not doing anything wrong!

amother

Blonde

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 5:25 pm

amother [ Slategray ] wrote:

To all of you who say they never leave their kids. What's when you go to work and leave at sitter? Wasn't the sitter a stranger the 1st time around??

Yes, I have left my 2 and a half yr old at a total stranger for my 4 day vacation. But before that, I have done my research as how she is with kids in general. How many kids does takes at once. Does she gave more kids his age etc, and got great great feedback. I was super comfortable leaving him with her. My toddler came home super happy bh.

No, I would not leave by any babysitter, just because it's a Yiddisha home.

But honestly, with your sil, Leave them for 5 weeks, I don't care, she can do what she wants. But don't bash and shame.

Though I know ppl who leave nursing baby's, I never. When I have a baby I know, for the time I nurse vacation is out of the picture.

Sorry you're going through this.

We start toddlers at daycare slowly and gradually.
If we have a sitter, we introduce them before so they kids have seen them
Ideally we mert a few times when both I and sitter are around, so the kids get used to her.

amother

Coffee

Sat, Feb 13 2021, 5:45 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Didn't read the other responses.

Your SIL is insane and irresponsible. Of course I would never say so to her face and I don't speak about people behind their backs.