Typical living room decor for simple non-gashmius oriented

amother

Ecru

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:05 am

Okay, I'll make everyone feel better, even though I don't live in Lakewood.

We rent a 100+ year old home OOT with a large living room.

The walls are painted maroon, with white trim. The paint job was done poorly, and is cracking and peeling in various places. The floor is a medium wood, with numerous deep gaps between planks that collect dirt and can only be cleaned using a small brush or individually vacuuming with the crevice attachment.

The heater vents are large metal grates in the floor, and collect dirt and dust and small toys regularly.

Most of the windows have long ivory brocade curtains, not quite fitting, which we were gifted. One is on a hook due to a broken curtain rod. One window has a more purply maroon cheap curtain, and another has a sheer curtain, which is stuffed into the window frame because the curtain rod broke.

There are no ceiling lights. We have two 5-bulb standing fixtures, but a number of the bulbs have stopped working, and they have started to tilt (they were replaced last year).

We have two padded wooden benches with backs, and a large colorful round rug. A cheap futon cushion is on the bay window seating area.

We have two white bookshelves, and two Ikea storage shelves for the internet router, printer, and toys. Other toys are stored in large tubs on one side of the room. We have a Gadol picture, and a few small 8x10 home-taken family pictures in cheap frames around the room.

Although we are behind in tuition, we could probably prioritize our spending differently and fix the worst of the issues, but it's hard to justify when there are more pressing financial concerns. We could fix at least the cheapest of the issues, but it probably wouldn't improve things that much. Thankfully my teens don't complain about it though!

Chayalle

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:06 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

That seems kinda immature... can you admit that Lakewood has any flaws at all? or when anyone talks about stuff that's wrong with Lakewood is it just 'Lakewood bashing'?

So does every other city. Some of the stuff that's wrong in Lakewood is same or similar in many other cities. Saying "I'm glad I don't live in Lakewood" makes it sounds like wherever Green lives is perfect and flawless, as opposed to Lakewood. It's rather offensive.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:11 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

Thankfully my teens don't complain about it though!

l
The issue at hand is the children being embarrassed and complaining about it. It’s irrelevant if you live in a community where there is nobody that has an updated home so the children don’t feel lacking. This was not about being able to afford or not. Was about a mother’s refusal based solely on her hashkafa. Nowhere did she say that if she puts some lighting in, then they will not be able to pay tuition or have food for Shabbos.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:17 am

I have an old, not updated house. We can't afford to update most areas right now and I don't think that bothers my kids but it is something we are trying to do room by room as we can afford it. The one area I did so far is the living room and dining room. By update I mean I re-sheet rocked the ceiling, put in spotlights in the living room and an inexpensive chandelier in the living room and a couple years later when I saved some more I bought new couches and a new rug. I can't even explain how much that improved my entire house. Just the lighting even before the new furniture was amazing. Lamps just don't give off the same amount of lighting as good celling lighting does. Plus my babies were always trying to pull out the cords/push them down.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:28 am

amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:

But where does it end? The teacher has a newer style Shaitel. The teacher gets manicures. The teacher has whatever the newest style is in Shoes, clothes, jewelry. Should the mom update all these things too if the teens are ‘embarrassed’ ?

Chayalle

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:32 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

BTW, most of my DD's teachers do not fit this description at all. Most are Kollel wives living on a basic budget. I haven't seen a single teacher with a manicure. Shoes, clothes, and jewelry are usually simple and tasteful. Sheitels range from basic nice to downright dowdy.

Which teachers in Lakewood are like this?

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:35 am

Chayalle wrote:

My questions are hypothetical and addressed to those who feel rather strongly that the OP should heed her daughters’ requests. Part of my disagreement with that lies in my above question

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:41 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Usually the middle path is the right path.

Avoiding all change because of the slippery slope doesn't help.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:47 am

[quote="amother [ Periwinkle ]"]Usually the middle path is the right path.

Avoiding all change because of the slippery slope doesn't help.[/quote

Not about a slippery slope necessarily; it’s about a family deciding on a hashkafah. OP and her husband (I assume) are fully capable of having a certain hashkafah and raising their family with that viewpoint. They don’t need to change their hashkafah because teenage daughters teacher has a living room that has a more modern decor.

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:50 am

Chayalle wrote:

I would venture to guess that the difference between you and the other poster is the degree that mentality was put forward. I think it's great to teach kids to make do with less, but when that is taken too far, the result can be too much shame and tons of resentment.

Not really. I think that the difference between me and mauve is our nature.

I am a very materialistic person. This is just how I am; aesthetics are so important to me. I can try to work on it, but to a certain extent it is part and parcel of who I am.

Many people who grew up like me are so proud of it; I’m not denying that. But every person is different.

My message to OP is please take the needs of your kids into account. Their needs are important.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:53 am

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

Why would OP want to nurture materialism? She clearly stated she finds materialism in and of itself antithetical to her Torah values. If indeed her teens grow up To be materialistic Can’t they nurture these desires themselves (when they have jobs and homes)?

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:53 am

I live in Lakewood in a decent size 5 bedroom house that is close to 20 years old.
No joke- my kids ask if we can move to a basement apartment like their teachers live in. Some of the teachers rent basements in brand new homes- maybe that’s what is attracting to my kids. They would be thrilled if I would tell them we are moving to a basement apartment!

sneakermom

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:00 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So I will say for me updating sounds like a waste of time and money, I completely respect anyone who finds this stuff is important to them, and I totally hear that it can be a fun thing to do with family. Just I don’t know, I mean for me personally I feel like I would rather be doing other stuff, not to be weird but this world really is just a prozdor.

I didn’t read through all the replies but here’s my opinion:)

We are not here forever. True. And we are lucky and blessed to accomplish and create light here on this earth. This is our privilege.

We can do our holy work while denying ourselves and limiting the resources we use.

Or we could see that Hashem created the world with great blessing and abundance and he has no problem if we enjoy it. Especially because everything we use gets uplifted.

Your new window shades, couch and lamps will elevate your home. And your home is an active mikdash me’at.

Just like the Beis hamikdosh had to be a beautiful a person’s home should be as beautiful as they can afford.

I’m not talking about being ostentatious. Just keeping things fresh goes a long way.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:03 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

A new lamp shade every 10 years isn't materialism.

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:05 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

She doesn’t have to “nurture materialism.” A one-time room makeover is not nurturing materialism.

I just strongly believe that parents need to understand their child’s nature, even if it’s very different than their own.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:05 am

[quote="amother [ Slateblue ]"]

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

Usually the middle path is the right path.

Avoiding all change because of the slippery slope doesn't help.[/quote

Not about a slippery slope necessarily; it’s about a family deciding on a hashkafah. OP and her husband (I assume) are fully capable of having a certain hashkafah and raising their family with that viewpoint. They don’t need to change their hashkafah because teenage daughters teacher has a living room that has a more modern decor.

Okay - the response I made was to your comment about 'where does is end?' - you were making a totally different argument.

You are right. If OP's philosophy is - we don't replace things that aren't broken - so be it... its just as extreme as 'we must always have the latest thing'.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:21 am

I have lived in lakewood all my life (35+ years by now, thank G-d) and I think there's a middle ground - we aren't in Kollel but struggle mightily to get by on both our paychecks, and while my house would be considered super simple I put a strong emphasis on it looking appealing to me because I feel strongly that it affects my mental state and having a pleasant place to live uplifts my mood and makes me a calmer mother and person. We have

1. a wall of seforim, with matching beautiful bookshelves ($50-$60 each, splurged when we married and bought one since), with all seforim upright (none sideways) and sorted by topic so it's appealing to peruse
2. plants on top of the bookshelves, as well as liquor and menorahs
3. spotlights - a $$ expense that was worth every penny! Lighting makes the room more than any furniture! It makes everything look lovely and bright and cheerful. I currently have no furniture in my LR because of Purim seuda reorganization and it still looks wonderful BECAUSE OF THE LIGHTING. Worth every single penny. How often can I affect my mental health with money?
4. two couches in the same color family (brown, not the same shade) we got from 'free' chats
5. Throw pillows and blankets from IKEA or amazon
6. A piano I got for free from a friend (paid for mover though, because needed for special needs child's lessons) with some dried floofy things on top we got from a hike, in a cool glass cylinder I got once as a vase
7. Artwork we got as gifts - a modernist embroidery and a funky abstract Judaic art
8. Walls are painted in COLOR which goes a long way.

A separate (tiny) DR has

1. a table and chairs (from craigslist) that I loved - we bought for $150
2. A splurge that makes me happy every time I look at it - a side board from Home Goods for $200 with my tablecloths and glassware and salad bowls, etc. Used my Chanukah money and have never regretted it a day
3. A wooden tray ($14) Marshalls with my candlesticks on it
4. Artwork (another gift) another funky Judaic piece we got upon our marriage
5. fake flowers (a freebie from my neighbor who is fancier than I am)
6. A vinyl tablecloth I bought for a whopping $75 but lights up the whole room
7. Centerpiece on table of $4 tray from Amazing Savings filled with interesting rocks and crystals we've found over the years

(and of course all the mess but you don't want to hear about that lol)

All these things together would probably cost $$ from scratch. The important thing is, it's my space and reminds me of who I am and calms me down and recharges me and makes me happy when I'm exhausted.

Maybe (and I didn't read the whole post here) challenge your daughters to define what bothers them about the look of your living area, then sit down and attach price tags to each of their line items, and then sit down as a family and decide if any are in your budget. Painting for $1000 might not be in budget, but throw pillows may be, and this way you will be teaching your children the
1. cost of living
2. the skill of making do with what you have
3. that you are listening to their concerns and taking them seriously, and would like to work together with them WHERE POSSIBLE
4. teach them that there are rich people with new homes and you are not among them and THAT IS OKAY AND YES THAT IS FAIR THAT'S PART OF LIFE
5. which doesn't mean you can't enjoy within your means (see skill #2, above)

you may be surprised by what they come up with! (of course you have to agree to their suggestions, which enforces skill #3 - working together).

If nothing else it will teach them skill #1, which will come in handy if they marry anyone other than the Gvir's son.

Yes, you may feel there's nothing wrong with your design - and there isn't, TO YOU. My mom's house feels like a shrine to the 90s, when it was cutting edge, and personally it feels so dated to me that I cringe, but it's her house and if it makes her happy I keep my mouth closed! But that's because I have my own house to be myself in. That being said, I fully expect my kids will say the same to me when they get older, and then I'd like to think we can respectfully work in tandem together to create a space that honors both our artistic 'happy places', within my budget (even if that budget is $100, raised in bake sales or babysitting money) and within both our tolerances. My bedroom will remain my own sacred place out of their reach - my business - but they live in the common living areas too!

Anon because of the comments on my finances and my mom's design sense

amother

Mauve

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:21 am

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

I am also a pretty materialistic person. I like things to match, look aesthetically pleasing, be updated. My house looks nothing like my parent's house.

But nonetheless I appreciate how my parents live. And how I was brought up. I definitely voiced my opinion about the state of my parents house as a teen but just because I felt that way doesn't mean my parents needed to do something about it. Its their house. They can live how they want.

Chayalle

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:28 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

She should not nurture materialism. But she should nurture her children.

Every child is different. Some children need certain things. You nurture that, within reason.

I have one DD who hates shopping. I have to push her to shop, because she does need clothes in her closet.

Another DD is creative and likes nice things. It's almost like air to her, she needs something new every now and then. It can be a hand-me-down, if it's nice and current and looks good on her. I teach her to shop sales, be thrifty, and look for things that appeal to her but are not crazy expensive. It helps her feel good. I recently updated the linen in her bedroom - from IKEA and not at all expensive - and it's like a breath of fresh air for her.

Know your kids and nurture their needs. Each one is different.

Crookshanks

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:28 am

Chayalle wrote:

Exactly. It would be a major faux pas to say, I'm so glad I don't live in Teaneck/Cleveland/Miami because the people there are so ____. For some reason when it comes to Lakewood or Brooklyn this is completely acceptable and okay.