If Hashem doesn't want women like me, why did He create me?

amother

Violet

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 5:53 am

Chickensoupprof wrote:

Look for different peers. I'm the same personality as you. When I'm at my inlaws in the heart of Prestwich and walk around I feel funny. I'm not busy with dressing the kids in matched outfits or do the latest frum styles with my clothing or anything like that... I pick on shabbos shabbos Pirkei Avos, Ramchal, Heart of Duties, etc when I'm there and I know that is something most women there are like frowned upon. Also, I didn't choose to have children right away so I'm more off...

I hope you find a community which fits on you, and peers who fit with you.

I live in the heart of Prestwich. Bishops road.
We gave ourselves 2 years to settle into marriage. We then had our first, and our second 8 years later.

This works for me and my personality.

I’m also part of a Tuesday night study group, we are doing mesilas yeshorim.

I don’t feel strange in Prestwich.

It’s a wonderful feeling when we truly accept ourselves. Our own glow and self love is the most beautiful thing we can wear.

I have made friends with neighbours, parents of my kids classmates, shul...

I accept myself, and people respond in kind.

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 5:54 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

Yes it is abusive for children and their stability to go from MO in Miami to Chabad in Dallas to Satmar in Williamsburg just like it is abusive to go from Belz in BP to MO in Passaic.

It's not child abuse for a stable family to move 1-2 times.

Please don't disrespect those who suffered actual child abuse, whether due to moving or otherwise.

amother

Coral

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 5:56 am

OP, I can relate.

I can function fine (usually) but I also feel like I’m on a different wavelength.

Is there any way you can use your kochos (because that’s what they are) to create, give over etc.

And maybe there are some learning groups nearby you can join? If not, can you start one?

amother

Mint

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 6:03 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

It's not child abuse for a stable family to move 1-2 times.

Please don't disrespect those who suffered actual child abuse, whether due to moving or otherwise.

A family isn't stable if they significantly change their entire hashkafa like that. Ask a therapist or a Rav or anyone.

Chickensoupprof

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 6:18 am

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

Can you please get in contact with me? I would love to be in touch with you when I'm there!

amother

Aqua

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 6:23 am

I felt like you when I was younger. I organized a shiur and found likeminded people that way, who became my good friends. I did one on one learning too with thinking ladies, and that was oxygen for me.

You mentioned your dh. Do you need to improve your organization skills? For me it’s an ongoing avodah that I’ve gotten much better at but will probably always have to work on. It’s encouraging to know that people like Rebbetzin Gottlieb (Heller) struggled with housekeeping skills too along the way. Both you and dh will feel better if things run ok at home, it’s worth the effort to develop those skills.

amother

Pewter

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 6:27 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

Yes it is abusive for children and their stability to go from MO in Miami to Chabad in Dallas to Satmar in Williamsburg just like it is abusive to go from Belz in BP to MO in Passaic.

Nothing in this post makes sense, not the least of which Passaic is not MO. You obviously have no clue

Chickensoupprof

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 6:29 am

amother [ Aqua ] wrote:

I think OP doesn't want to hear something about Rebbetzin Gottlieb Heller ( and I do admire her!) and householding skills as this is the only job she should be doing...

I'm really bad in the organization I get overwhelmed by clutter but just can't clean right away my husband can so it's in this household my husband's job, I will cook (because I love cooking), doing laundry and everything as long he is organizing household things.

paperflowers

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 6:32 am

Hashem loves you.
Your kids are lucky to have a mother who creates a relaxed home environment, spends time with them, and cares about their emotional and mental health.
I understand that it’s not so simple to uproot your family and shift communities, and it doesn’t sound like your husband would be on board with that anyway. How can you find the balance you need while staying in your community?
Some posters above have had good ideas, like taking up a creative hobby, learning on your own, or attending shiurim.
You can also make connections with friends in other communities who are more like-minded. It sounds like you kind of do this through Imamother.
There is also the issue of getting respect within your marriage. If your husband appreciates you for your creativity and intelligence, the community as a whole will be much easier to deal with. If he scoffs at you for admitting to needing sleep or wanting to know halacha, it’s a whole different issue.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 6:33 am

Op please know that your children will thrive as will your relationships with them because you love being with them. This is invaluable. And while it does not have to be either or....if I had to choose one I would choose this over being externally super functional in the way you describe. While sometimes mothers can do it all if I had to choose one I would choose the strength you and I have. And everyone has their strengths and challenges.

amother

Wine

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 6:35 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

No. It is abusive to uproot children from their community in search of a new one because of your own personal ideals.

Your ideals are something hashem gave you to give over to your children, if your community doesn't share it, there is no reason not to try and find a place better aligned with the best Yiddisha mama you can be, and the strengths you (and others) see in yourself, that said she says nothing about moving, and if she ment that, unfortunately I don't know so many places that do value this on a community level, even if you find like minded individual level.
I wonder myself about the conflicting cunich in school and home on some of my own " minor" values.

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 7:10 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I am a mother with a personality that is dreamy, creative, loves being with children or my house in an unrushed manner, loves solitude, loves learning, loves thinking, loves giving over ideas. I am part of a society (and marriage) that values women who are: strong as a horse, great with externals such as dressing the kids, thrive on multitasking, able to transcend their own physical and mental needs such as sleep, don't think too much, don't feel too much, are comfortable being ignorant about that own religion while relying on men to be the knowledgeable authorities.

This is so painful for me, and speaking to therapists, rebbetzins, and rabbanim has only left me feeling more misunderstood and unneeded.

Where do I go from here?

You sound like an amazing person Smile

Just saying. I'd love to be your friend!

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 7:19 am

I live in Monsey and I know a few women like you. They are making a great life for their family. One of them is a good friend of mine and she is very beloved. I think her kids are lucky to have her as a mom.

amother

Pearl

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 7:42 am

I can relate OP (and everyone else that chimed in that they're similar). I'm in Brooklyn. I'd love to connect if you're interested, maybe we can figure out a way to get ourselves a group together.

My life is very busy BH and I do make time for the stuff I enjoy- learning, journaling, and other things that don't really jive with my husband's and community's typical ideas. While I do what I like I still am viewed as different. I wish it wouldn't bother me.

sushilover

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 7:46 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Perhaps I'm not getting the whole picture, but I'm not sure how you go from "my community (and husband) admires women with traits I do not have and do not admire" to "Hashem doesn't want women like me".

This screams unhealthy thought patterns and it worries me.
What have therapists said that make you feel unneeded?

SDmother

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 7:55 am

I am making a huge assumption here but it sounds like you are chasidish. There are many women like you (including me) in the yeshivish/JPF community and do not feel stifled at all with ample room to explore the more cerebral parts of our personality. As someone mentioned, look at Rebbetzin Heller! She spent a large part of her life engaging in her interests while still raising a large family.

So I do not feel your title is correct. It is the specific society that you are in that does not make room for women like you ( I am unsure if that is indeed true, I am just going off what you are stating)

tigerwife

Sun, Apr 11 2021, 8:09 am

You need to get comfortable in your own skin. I had very different expectations when I read your thread title! You are not only normal but wonderful and I’m sure you’ll find that others appreciate you, too, even if you’re not their type. I am similar to what you describe; I sometimes feel like I am from a visiting planet but never hated. Find your people, and love yourself. Being creative and a thinker is a blessing, not a curse.