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[STORY] Damsel in Distress (Update #12 - Daled Kislev p. 20)
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mommy2379




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 4:57 pm
Op you're very talented! I was hooked, couldn't stop reading! Do you write professionally?
Also- I'm so sorry to break the news to you- but she marries Eli. No two ways about it.
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fmt4




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:12 pm
sequoia wrote:
Can you share more about this universe? Is it a dystopia?


My thoughts exactly. Why are there so many random boys who have nowhere to go? Why does the main character have not a single family member or friend in the world? Also what happens at the end? It came totally out of the blue. What girls have to marry what boys? I didn’t understand what was going on. I also did not detect even mild romance.
All the medical detail was impressive though!
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mommy2379




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:18 pm
Yea, re the romance aspect- there is no romance in the current version. IF she marries Eli and you elaborate on that then this piece could qualify as romance. But again, really enjoyed! Loved the dystopian aspects, would love if you could flesh that out more.
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gr82no




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:31 pm
So different from what I usually read I love it. Can you write another story about before this part and how their marriage is?
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writeread




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:32 pm
Thanks for sharing!
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penguin




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:38 pm
I saved it as a word doc to read later.
BUT.... can I read it in the bathroom????
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:42 pm
sequoia wrote:
Can you share more about this universe? Is it a dystopia?

Definitely a dystopia. It's complicated, so I didn't put the whole thing in the story. It's a government enforced study on the effects of isolation. It could work with covid, but I came up with it before covid was a thing. My friend didn't think it added to the storyline much.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:47 pm
mommy2379 wrote:
Op you're very talented! I was hooked, couldn't stop reading! Do you write professionally?
Also- I'm so sorry to break the news to you- but she marries Eli. No two ways about it.

Not a professional writer, just something I enjoy doing (and don't do enough of).

I know she has to marry Eli based on the storyline, but that's the problem with making yourself the tragic heroine. DH is not an Eli at all. And I promise he is perfect for me. So maybe I'm not as Chava as I thought I was...

Maybe I'll be inspired to write an alternate ending. But then I lose my role as heroine, alas.
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English3




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:51 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Not a professional writer, just something I enjoy doing (and don't do enough of).

I know she has to marry Eli based on the storyline, but that's the problem with making yourself the tragic heroine. DH is not an Eli at all. And I promise he is perfect for me. So maybe I'm not as Chava as I thought I was...

Maybe I'll be inspired to write an alternate ending. But then I lose my role as heroine, alas.

Your looking at chava's pov and not Eli, poor him put all his neshoma in to her. He deserves his love after all.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:54 pm
English3 wrote:
Your looking at chava's pov and not Eli, poor him put all his neshoma in to her. He deserves his love after all.

Good point. When the muse hits again I'll try for a proper prologue and more satisfying ending. (Well, for me it's satisfying to marry my "Levi," who I know and love, but the poor readers already know and love Eli. The struggles of writing!)
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mommy2379




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:54 pm
Is her medical journey inspired by real life events? It was so detailed!
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 5:56 pm
mommy2379 wrote:
Is her medical journey inspired by real life events? It was so detailed!

Nope. I came up with the concept (dyspnea is good for some real drama) and then later found a diagnosis to match. I had to change a few details, but the actual cause for Chava is totally made up and pretty implausible.

(At one point I decided I was going to medical school, but never got farther than practically memorizing my friend's EMT-B textbook. And taking a practice M-CAT at some point after sem, which I failed, IIRC.)

ETA: To clarify, diaphragm paralysis is real. It can be bilateral, as it is in the story, although that is a more rare presentation. It is known to happen (uncommonly) due to a growth pressing on the nerve, there are more common albeit less dramatic causes. As a paralyzed diaphragm moves up in the chest and compresses the lungs, it can cause an up to 80% reduction in ability to breathe (not quite the 100% I was originally imagining, but close enough). However although the vena cava and aorta are parallel to each other, I don't know if they even are close enough in that part of the chest, which would make Chava's flaps/passageways completely impossible. I don't think circulating tumors, malignant or otherwise, are realistic; although tumors have been known to detach I don't know if they have ever detached into the bloodstream, and if they did they would probably be fatal pretty quickly.
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mommy2379




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 6:08 pm
I wonder if any of the frum mags would take dystopian fiction. Hmmm. You should flesh out the scenes between her episodes, put in an internal conflict besides for the external health one. Flesh out the backstory and fill in the plot holes and pitch it to the mags. I'm serious.
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Kiwi13




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 6:11 pm
Cool story!!! It's really different, and you never know - you could be a genre-starter!!! :-)
Love the ending!!!!
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 6:13 pm
fmt4 wrote:
I also did not detect even mild romance.

It's only romantic if you like damsel in distress pathos.

But you guys are all right. The original original iteration of the story, although much less polished, did have "Chava" marry Eli in the end (I think he went by a different name in those days). But in the interim I got married and Eli lost his luster. I'll have to bring it back.

The full version of the story did have more character development towards the end, because it's not much of a marriage if the husband has to constantly save his wife. At some point he has to appreciate what she brings to the table and balance out the relationship.
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sequoia




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 6:26 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Definitely a dystopia. It's complicated, so I didn't put the whole thing in the story. It's a government enforced study on the effects of isolation. It could work with covid, but I came up with it before covid was a thing. My friend didn't think it added to the storyline much.


Well, you should probably briefly clarify. No need for too much exposition, but some background would be helpful.
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amother




Burntblack
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 6:54 pm
I really enjoyed reading your story!
One question tho- why does Chava have to cook and bake for the boys? If it was me I would make a chart and put them all to work right away
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mommy12




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 7:01 pm
That was amazing!! I was totally hooked! I truly love your writing style. But I also agree, she needs to marry Eli.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 7:02 pm
amother [ Burntblack ] wrote:
I really enjoyed reading your story!
One question tho- why does Chava have to cook and bake for the boys? If it was me I would make a chart and put them all to work right away

I think Chava wants to feel useful and needed. She wants a role to play, and one she can be successful in. She also seems the type to value their Torah learning and feel like she is investing in it, although she also learns on her own.

Additionally, Chava doesn't want to be speaking with the bochurim much (she's a very frum girl), and being kitchen manager as opposed to running the whole show herself would require a lot more interaction.
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amother




Burntblack
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 7:06 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I think Chava wants to feel useful and needed. She wants a role to play, and one she can be successful in. She also seems the type to value their Torah learning and feel like she is investing in it, although she also learns on her own.

Additionally, Chava doesn't want to be speaking with the bochurim much (she's a very frum girl), and being kitchen manager as opposed to running the whole show herself would require a lot more interaction.


I hear. But it would be just tachlis- not flirting
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