My three year old triggers me

amother

Blushpink

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 5:39 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I wish I could stay calmer when she acts out but I'm so irritable with her these days.

She’s picking up on that. Did you send her away for a while when the baby was born?

amother

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:00 pm

taketwo wrote:

You are the parent, not her best friend.

I respectfully disagree. My goal as a parent is to have a close relationship with my kids so that they come to me when they are in trouble, not go to their friends first. Our differences in opinion are probably due to a generation gap.

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes...

Why do people do that? I've never heard of sending out kids, or staying at a kimtuperim (or however you spell it) until I came to Imamother.

amother

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:01 pm

lamplighter wrote:

Parenting is not about feeling good and having beautiful brilliant kids who we can be best friends with.
Parenting is about the child.
Your role is to be her parent, to guide her with love and direction through the different stages of her life, with her imperfections and all. Whenever you feel yourself getting triggered refocus your thoughts on your child and think, what does SHE need right now?

The best way to guide someone with love is to see the best in them, to think they are beautiful and brilliant, to feel good about our connection with them and to be best friends with them.

amother

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:02 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

Why do people do that? I've never heard of sending out kids, or staying at a kimtuperim (or however you spell it) until I came to Imamother.

I sent her to a close family member because I have hard recoveries after birth and can't really get out of bed. My husband works long hours. Someone had to get her to and from school and cook meals for her...

amother

DarkGreen

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is why your child is acting out. You found a new best friend.

amother

Clear

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:03 pm

Be careful - even though some kids are very mature at age 3, they are still 3 year olds. And we can mistakenly expect too much from them and react if they actually act their age and not in their usual mature way- cuz 3 is 3! I had this with my oldest - I had to remind myself constantly she is still a young child - sure we had mature conversations etc but I’m still her mother and she needs a mother too not someone to chat with and be best friends - maybe that can come later when they’re teens but not now.

amother

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:08 pm

I'm not sure if the reason people are reprimanding me for being close with my three year old is because they are from a different generation who believe children these days are spoiled. Or maybe I didn't portray the situation accurately? Just because I have a great relationship with my daughter, that doesn't mean she lacks discipline and structure. Trust me, she knows what's what. The great conversations we are lucky enough to share happen between routines that she participates in happily because she is a well-adjusted child who is disciplined respectfully. And to everyone judging my wanting to be best friends with her, do your children like you? Or do they just fear you?

amother

Indigo

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:11 pm

Is it possible that she really did change, and it’s not just you? For months I blamed myself about how I felt about my then 4 year old, but after I figured out what happened it all made sense.

taketwo

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:11 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Doubt it. I may be slightly older, but I'm young..

I also have a close parent-child relationship with my children. But, it is fairly dysfunctional to expect a 3 year old to be an adults friend. Parenting and having a loving relationship is not a contradiction, they can go hand in hand.

You have to keep your expectations of her appropriate. She is not disrespecting your friendship by throwing a typical threenager tantrum.

amother

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:12 pm

amother [ Indigo ] wrote:

Is it possible that she really did change, and it’s not just you?

I don't know! How do I know if it's her or me??

taketwo

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:15 pm

Just wanted to add, realizing she is acting according to her age and situation, and it's nothing personal towards you will already lessen your trigger. Next step to further help is to find ways to work with her. A good book is The Power Of Showing up by Dan Seigel. Also, look into the Nurtured Heart Approach and Rabbi Brezak Parenting classes.

amother

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:15 pm

taketwo wrote:

This gives me food for thought, thank you.

amother

Jade

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:15 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Are we the same person? We completely skipped the terrible twos, I keep saying it's the terrible threes. And my toddler is also very very mature.

BH I have 7 kids and I've always felt the same way. The only one that had a terrible two stage is my current 2 year old. And I always feel the same disconnect from the displaced youngest when the next baby is born, but beH and things normalize and settle into the new routine and reality, your relationship with your three yr old will take on its next stage. She'll grow more independent, you'll be more busy...it won't be as it was. But that's a sign of growth.

amother

Acacia

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The best way to guide someone with love is to see the best in them, to think they are beautiful and brilliant, to feel good about our connection with them and to be best friends with them.

I don’t really agree with this. I love my kids, they are a part of me and therefore I have a special love for them. I do not see them as friends as they are many years younger than me. I also don’t see them as beautiful and brilliant although I think they are all cute, pretty and smart but I don’t exaggerate who they are. I play, shmooze, do special things and have a great bond with my kids. But they are my kids and that’s all. I think the best friend thing is getting in your way. Because what happens when you don’t have time or patience to be best friends? It seems like a conditional relationship.

allthingsblue

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for the judgment. I hope your relationship with your children is perfect for you to merit coming at me with such a holier-than-thou attitude.

I don’t think it’s holier than thou. Think about it. When you described her as being your best friend, I actually had the same thought! Imagine if my best friend found a new best (or almost best) friend! How would I feel?

Your relationship is parent-child. It’s different than best friend. Your child needs to learn from you that you’re her mom, you’re always there for her, you will make time for her but she does have to share you the rest of the time, but that doesn’t mean you love her any less.

You can and should still have a loving relationship, but if your goal is best friend, I can see blurred boundaries.

amother

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:21 pm

amother [ Acacia ] wrote:

It doesnt sound like you're describing something that different than I did. You said shmooze instead of conversation. You said pretty instead of beautiful. Also, is it possible that I wasn't exaggerating when I said she's beautiful and brilliant? She actually is unusually pretty and very advanced.