My three year old triggers me

allthingsblue

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It doesnt sound like you're describing something that different than I did. You said shmooze instead of conversation. You said pretty instead of beautiful. Also, is it possible that I wasn't exaggerating when I said she's beautiful and brilliant? She actually is unusually pretty and very advanced.

That’s not what you said. You said in general the way to build a relationship is to think the person is beautiful and brilliant.

amother

Clear

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm not sure if the reason people are reprimanding me for being close with my three year old is because they are from a different generation who believe children these days are spoiled. Or maybe I didn't portray the situation accurately? Just because I have a great relationship with my daughter, that doesn't mean she lacks discipline and structure. Trust me, she knows what's what. The great conversations we are lucky enough to share happen between routines that she participates in happily because she is a well-adjusted child who is disciplined respectfully. And to everyone judging my wanting to be best friends with her, do your children like you? Or do they just fear you?

I’m pretty young - now 30. I was 23 with a firstborn 3 year old and I had same situation as u when my next child was born I got triggered by everything my oldest did cuz I thought since she’s mature she shdnt be acting out like this and I eventually realized she’s 3! And I changed my parenting a bit to make more sense. We have great conversations but I don’t go too far as I’m still the mother. I’m not talking about discipline here- I’m sure ur child is very well behaved- I’m talking abt what the child feels around you and how u feel around her- a friend type relationship won’t work here.

taketwo

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think it's so interesting that so many people are getting stuck on the best friend thing.

It's a red flag. A parent or teacher is just that. Not a friend. It's not a healthy relationship to think otherwise.

amother

Acacia

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I used to think my kids are advanced and then I learned so are so many other kids. I realize all kids have strengths and weaknesses and we all think they are brilliant but very few actually are. And looks are subjective everyone thinks their children are the most gorgeous on the planet. I think the difference is that I never see my kids as friends. To me a friendship is a two way street. It means that I’m expecting something in return. I have a one way relationship with my kids. I am their mother, I will always be no matter what. Even if they have bad days, even if they do terrible things, even if they push me away. I will be there for them through thick and thin and they having a hard time is not a reflection on our relationship. I think that’s the big difference, her having a hard time means you are no longer best friends and that perspective needs to change.

amother

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:28 pm

amother [ Clear ] wrote:

Can you please describe how you changed your parenting to reflect her age?

allthingsblue

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I meant to see the best in the person.

That’s actually not the job of the parent. You wrote that before the baby was born she could do no wrong in your eyes.
In reality, parents should know their children’s weaknesses and strengths. A child can “do wrong” and the parent will teach them how to do better. When my baby hits, I take their hand and say, “let’s make nice.”
When my 3 year old screams at me or demands something, I tell them to repeat their request respectfully.

English3

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:30 pm

Welcome to imamother! Where posters pick every little word and then you have to justify. Why do you think op is having DMC level talk with her three year old. And anyway according to her first post it seems like it's not happening so often anymore.
Just my pov I also believe that my kids are not my friends and I am their mummy. I might be a little extreme but when my little ones play tatty and mummy they sometimes want me to join in and I always tell them I am the mummy you can play together yourselves. I want them to understand the difference between us otherwise they get confused and start thinking they are the ones running the show.

amother

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:31 pm

amother [ Indigo ] wrote:

Other than the shrieky crying, are there other specific behaviors that trigger you?

In general when she ignores what I'm saying or when she becomes unreasonable. I guess I'm just used to her being sweet and go-with-the-flow.

amother

Clear

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can you please describe how you changed your parenting to reflect her age?

I wouldn’t get upset if she started tantruming, wld empathize with her instead. And stopped lecturing her when she got upset about something, gave her more hugs spontaneously, got her involved in “helping” take care of the baby to make her feel good and involved. Watched myself not to go into deeper random conversations - when she was a bit older like 7 etc only if she initiated it first

amother

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:34 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

Again, I keep saying that she is consistently disciplined. She does not ever get away with speaking to me disrespectfully or acting rude. And just because I know her weaknesses (and I very much do, I'm not in denial) doesn't mean I don't think she's the most perfect little thing in the world. Who in the world is supposed to see the best in us and think we are brilliant and perfect if not our own parents who created us?!

taketwo

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In general when she ignores what I'm saying or when she becomes unreasonable. I guess I'm just used to her being sweet and go-with-the-flow.

Are you always perfectly content? Do you always go with the flow of everything someone wants you to do?

She is learning to be more assertive - that's great! You don't want her to grow up being a door mat and just doing whatever people want her to do. It's all part of growing up. You have to learn how to navigate this new and healthy stage as a parent. Expecting her to always be a little angel is a) conditional love b) not going to create a healthy adult out of her.

amother

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:36 pm

English3 wrote:

I don't understand why I'm needing to justify my relationship with my daughter here, lol.

amother

Snowflake

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:36 pm

taketwo wrote:

It's a red flag. A parent or teacher is just that. Not a friend. It's not a healthy relationship to think otherwise.

I would call it a special bond. I have a special bond with my daughter that I don’t have with my sons. But she’s not my best friend. And OP, from what you describe that’s exactly how my three yr old daughter is. I’m not post partum and I find it very very difficult to parent her. I can’t imagine dealing with that type of behavior and a newborn at the same time , so I empathize with you.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:37 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In general when she ignores what I'm saying or when she becomes unreasonable. I guess I'm just used to her being sweet and go-with-the-flow.

Its possible that she really did change and her giving you a hard time is beyond the norm. I hate to say this because Ye, I’m that poster who says the “p” word on every thread where a kid is misbehaving, and you’re also not raising any classic red flags, but based on my personal extensive experience, even just a normally easygoing child becoming difficult is reason enough to have them evaluated for pandas. I also blamed myself for months when my then 4yo suddenly became difficult and I literally couldn’t stand her anymore. Turns out it wasn’t me after all. That’s not to say I didn’t have my work cut out for me as a parent, but it explained the extreme annoyance on my part. It wasn’t just regular kid acting out. That’s what my gut was trying to tell me.

taketwo

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:39 pm

amother [ Snowflake ] wrote:

How do you think you sons feel when they witness your feelings?

mommy3b2c

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:44 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My children most certainly like me. (And unfortunately they are not afraid of me in even a little bit.) we laugh and joke and play games and they are comfortable enough to talk to me about anything. Even the teenage the boys. However, you sound really young and immature. There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. Emotions just are. But you cannot act on it. And no matter how mature your three your old is. Three years old is a baby. A sweet little baby. Please keep that in mind.

amother

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:47 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I really don't understand why you're calling me immature because I said I am close with my three-year-old daughter, that's really hurtful. But I will try to keep in mind that she is just a baby, maybe my expectations for her are too high. Thanks for the advice, regardless of the delivery.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:50 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

This. And I will take it a step further. You will know their flaws and their imperfections and you will love them and think they are amazing people IN SPITE of it all. Because what happens when they get older and they are just not that perfect and brilliant and gorgeous anymore? Do you suddenly love them less?