Not inviting kids - how to make it clear

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Apr 28 2022, 9:42 pm

watergirl wrote:

Ooohhhh I like this wording too!

You need to add something about understanding if they can't make it, to make it clear that it isn't optional.

"I understand if babysitting arrangements are hard to work out and you can't make it to our Simcha, hopefully we will see you at a future Simcha if it doesn't work for you."

Babysitting arrangements can be expensive and I would understand if they can't make it to the Simcha.

amother

Strawberry

Thu, Apr 28 2022, 9:57 pm

invisiblecircus wrote:

He's only really excluded if the sons of other SIL's are invited regardless of what the community standards are.

A few years ago I was upset when my cousin did not invite me to his wedding because ALL the other cousins were invited. I felt excluded, even though I understood that obviously he can invite whoever he wants. I didn't feel excluded when another relative didn't any of the cousins.

I would assume my invitation got lost in the mail. That's possible, no?

amother

Arcticblue

Thu, Apr 28 2022, 10:01 pm

For my first bar mitzvah I thought I had to invite everyone’s families for the sit down lunch. In total, it was 150 kids.

Everyone else made bar mitzvahs and explicitly told me kids are not invited. Often, I wouldn’t go because my shabbos meals are for my children. Why would I leave them?

But it made me realize that for my next bar mitzvah I am under no obligation to feed everyone’s families, when people had no compunction not feeding mine. I saved thousands.

amother

Wine

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 6:11 am

Simple1 wrote:

I never heard of not inviting the boy's cousins to his bar mitzvah, especially 10 year olds who are not toddlers and are appropriate age to attend a bar mitzvah.

When my sister made a bar mitzva last year, she allowed the older nieces and nephews to come. One of the nephews in particular, the 11yr old was bouncing off the walls and made such a nuisance of himself that my sister was really upset. In fact my sister who came from OOT with her 3 yr old, the 3yr old was much better behaved.
I personally prefer simchos without the children. It's so rare I get to go places and socialize. When I have my kids, I'm always busy with them, and I always have to be aware where they are and are they behaving. If they're home in bed with the babysitter, it's much more relaxing. I can have adult conversations with family and friends and enjoy myself with a meal I haven't made and I can eat in peace without a child whining.

amother

Hyssop

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 9:31 am

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

That's another good point. I enjoy such simchas so much more. We get to sit and socialize and have a pleasant night out. When the conversation repeatedly gets distracted by children, or people are continuously getting up to tend to their children, it just isn't the same. We adults deserve to have some rare time for ourselves too, don't we?. Isn't a mandatory simcha a perfect time to squeeze in some downtime for us very busy mothers?

Sesame

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 9:56 am

egam wrote:

I know someone who calls everyone a few days before the simcha and asks point blank “Did you make babysitting arrangements for your kids? I hope to see you at our simcha.”
I’m not sure you want to do the same.
I also don’t believe you owe anyone the explanation of why you are not inviting kids. Once you start explaining, they can always counteract it saying my kids don’t eat, they are well behaved, etc.

Oh well I would only arrange babysitting the day of, so my answer would be no and then she’d be offended. How would that work? Surely it’s on me to arrange care for my uninvited kids and no one needs the pressure of the hostess inviting them to police them on this manner.

4g01o

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 10:09 am

Sesame wrote:

That’s such a shame. Why would you be hurt if your friend can’t afford to invite all her friends kids? Do ppl really take kids to every simcha they’re invited to (unless it Shabbos)?
She’s already paid for your place but you’d rather leave cos she invited her nephew but not your kids?
Is this the norm? Do ppl normally expect to bring children to a friends bar mitzvah/wedding? Or is this a matter of something done in different circles? Genuinely asking cos I’d never expect to take children to a simcha.

Right, I don't understand it. Nephews are different to friends children. You have to draw the line somewhere.

amother

Begonia

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 11:06 am

I agree it's rude to bring uninvited kids to a Simcha & it's perfectly OK to not invite kids. ... however it would be nice to have a little understanding for people like me. Being from the younger ones of a large family, we b"h have loads of mandatory simchas every year, both weekday & shabbos. I mean bar mitzvahs, volts, weddings & Sheva brochos of multiple nieces & nephews every year. & I'm still in the baby stage which means I can't leave my kids alone of course & I'm nursing etc. & we live on average an hour- 1.5 hour drive away so nothing is just down the road. & babysitters are pretty hard to find & need to be booked in advance. So yes, I'm so happy for the simchas yet they are a huge source of stress ( not even talking about expense) & yes, nursing baby comes along unapologetically. I have 1 sister in law that makes it clear she does not mind uninvited kids & honestly I love her for it.

watergirl

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 11:16 am

amother [ Begonia ] wrote:

Sadly, I can not relate to a single thing in your post. It really does not apply to my situation in any way. My son's bar mitzvah is the first one on my side since my own bat mitzvah (there were 3 bat mitzvahs, and no one traveled for those). On my husband's side, this is the first simcha in general in years as well. There are almost no kids at all. The only kids are those who belong to my friends, and as I said, we are only inviting friends who live just down the road. It is not in any way mandatory for anyone to join the simcha. And also like I said, my friends with nursing babies (there is only one of them) are very welcome to bring the babies.

amother

Begonia

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 11:34 am

watergirl wrote:

I agree this is totally unrelated to your situation, I should have written this much.
Mazel tov to the simcha!!

amother

Hyssop

Fri, Apr 29 2022, 11:44 am

amother [ Begonia ] wrote:

I do understand, and hail from a large family as well. But I still don't think the simchas need to be designed around people like you, and disenfranchise everyone else. When appropriate, I definitely do accommodate. For example, a vort or Come-and-Go tnoyim, when the crowd is milling around and is not a sit down, then by all means bring your children. At a wedding - children are more than welcome as well (except for babies in strollers, they belong at baby-sitters). But for these official sit down small affairs, children really dont belong there, imo. And I will be very understanding if you tell me that you're unable to make it, especially if you don't live in the area.

You will IY"H reach the stage where your children can babysit for you, and you'll get to enjoy simchas as others do. In the meantime though, there are very few affairs that you don't know of in advance. Bar Mitzvahs, weddings (and therefore SB), are among those, and you have the time to search for babysitters. If the affair is in Brooklyn, there are often local babysitters situated near the halls that you can utilize.

To summarize, it is indeed more difficult when you're a young mom, but there are options available to juggle them. True, those options are more difficult and more inconvenient than just bringing your children, but I don't think it's fair to make simchas less enjoyable for all others on the account of that.

amother

Lime

Tue, Jun 14 2022, 2:03 pm

watergirl wrote:

I am about to send out invitations for a small simcha BH. I have a few very close friends (my husband and I are friends with the couple) and there are a number of kids between all of them. It's not a lot, just about 6-8, but even that number of kids is more than I can pay, and also some of the kids are very wild. Most people would read their names on an invitation and if it does not say "and family", they know it's just for the adults. Not these friends. My best friend just made a wedding and had the same thing with these couples, she told them it was adults only, and they brought their kids anyway and they sat everyone down to eat. My best friend's kids are the same age as my son or older, so they are invited. I also have a very close relationship with her kids... The other kids are all between 5-10 and I have no real relationship with them, one of the families kids don't even know my name, much less my son's name, which is weird considering we've hosted them often.

So I need to be clear with them, but as nice as possible... how do I make it clear? I am sending the invitations via evite.

Some evites when you add RSVP it allows for minimum and maximum for kids.. so yeah just put zero for kids … saw it on yidcards.com

watergirl

Tue, Jun 14 2022, 2:10 pm

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

Some evites when you add RSVP it allows for minimum and maximum for kids.. so yeah just put zero for kids … saw it on yidcards.com

Just saw this got bumped up. We did this and more. I allowed for 2 guests for this couple, they wrote only 1, and brought 5.

BH the simcha was beautiful and as expected, that one couple DID bring their kids. I sent a message (we did an evite) to the families with kids that said something like "the party is for adults and kids over bar mitzvah, we are looking forward to seeing your children at the kiddush".

The one family who I expected to bring their kids... brought their kids. They RSVP'd for one and brought 5. I even contacted the wife (my friend) and my husband contacted the husband (his friend) and we did not get a reply. Then they showed up with their very wild kids, who sat down and threw literal tantrums that we did not have a seat for them (we got more added) and THEN threw another fit that we told the kids to eat from the kid's buffet. They wanted the plated, served adults food. Oh, and the father plunked the kid down NEXT TO ME. He did not even sit by them. My husband moved them immediately. They ran around grabbing the shtick we gave out. It was not a great scene. And they did not send a gift (which was not at all expected, only two friends brought gifts actually, but they didnt bring extra people!), and that was that.

I greeted them with a smile and did not show my frustration, and moved on. Moving forward, I am not sure I will invite them to another simcha.

Amelia Bedelia

Tue, Jun 14 2022, 2:14 pm

watergirl wrote:

Mazel tov!
That was so rude