Was this reasonable?

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, May 16 2022, 9:41 am

I think it is so not a big deal.
Nobody expects you to get dressed. You throw on a snood and long coat-even in 90degree weather. You don’t need a bra, you don’t need hose. It is not a big deal. She probably spent plenty of time preparing the food, stopping/rearranging her day to deliver and drove around for 15 minutes before calling and asking you to come down. It is really not a big deal.

naomi2

Mon, May 16 2022, 9:54 am

I think it was a reasonable request. She assumed as most people would, that you would leave the baby for a few minutes. What should she do, risk a parking ticket or circle for 20 min to find a spot? When I deliver meals, I am leaving the house at what should be my family's suppertime and also leaving my upper elementary kids alone so 20 extra minutes means alot to me.
I'm pretty sure getting your baby ready and downstairs takes alot less time that making supper, it's still worth it.
I think it's reasonable for me to make dinner even thoughi have minor inconveniences. Do ppl think they should not offer to make a meal unless they are sure they will find parking ?

amother

Butterscotch

Mon, May 16 2022, 10:09 am

I think it was so nice of her to offer to bring you supper! Am I naive to think that it wasn’t such a big deal that she presumedly didn’t want to get a ticket by leaving her car in the street or circling for a half hour while her family waits for their own supper?
In my mind, I just think how nice it is she offered dinner!!

amother

Holly

Mon, May 16 2022, 10:29 am

I'm seeing it from both sides here.
Of course it's a bother for you to have to come down, and possibly also uncomfortable, and a new mother shouldn't be expected to go out to get her food.
On the other hand, I'll assume that the other lady was stuck, and didn't realize this would happen. So now that she was in that situation, I'm not sure what else she could do.

This is something that the organizer of the meals should point out to those signing up: be aware no parking!
And it's also something that you might want to mention to the organizer if she didn't point it out (assuming this isn't the middle of the city where no parking is a given).

A number of years ago I delivered meals to someone who's street had a mix up with the numbers. I was so confused driving up and down in the dark and I just couldn't figure it out.
When I finally recognized their car and when I handed her the meal she seemed to think it was obvious that the numbers are mixed up. But it wasn't to me - perhaps I was relatively new to town?
Just would have been so helpful if that had been noted in the meal sign up.

watergirl

Mon, May 16 2022, 11:04 am

naomi2 wrote:

Like I and others said, bring someone with you to bring the meal to the door if parking is an issue, or consider skipping the mealtrain.

I'm just imagining myself after a c-section, one week later (the time of this mealtrain) and being asked to go up and down stairs. I would have told the person I could not go down stairs and if it meant I would not get the meal, fine.

amother

Sage

Mon, May 16 2022, 11:17 am

We can split the difference. It would be better not to ask a new mother to come down. The driver may have been unaware of the parking situation and unfortunately felt a need to make the call after circling. If that happened, she needs to be very apologetic, and offer options- "I'm sorry- this is the situation. If you can come down, great. If not, I can try to either come back when your husband is home or see if someone else can come in a pair and deliver. I know this is inconvenient- what works?" And without the awareness to offer the options, to at least apologize for the situation, not make jokes, and compliment the baby.

zaq

Mon, May 16 2022, 11:27 am

I feel the donor's pain in re: parking, but what she did was wrong. Her "joke" was in poor taste and also very wrong. Newborn or not, a baby should NEVER be left alone in the house, even for a moment. You were right to bring the baby with you; that this woman would make fun of someone who is obviously a more responsible parent than she is is mind-boggling.

Moichel toives.

Last edited by zaq on Mon, May 16 2022, 11:28 am; edited 1 time in total

kenz

Mon, May 16 2022, 11:27 am

If you can't do a chessed fully, don't do it. If it's too hard for you to figure out how to deliver a meal to a new mother without requiring her to come down and get it from your car, then perhaps you should find a different way to contribute to your community. No one forced you to sign up for a meal, did they?
As for the PP who had to walk down the block because the person bringing dinner "was not going to turn around," (who talks like that?!) you absolutely should have told her you really can't come down so unfortunately you won't be able to enjoy her meal after all.
Maybe those of you who are saying it's not such a big deal are correct in theory, but it's not the proper way to do chessed.

zaq

Mon, May 16 2022, 11:44 am

kenz wrote:

This.

amother

Plum

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OK thanks for the feedback.... I know that her laughter wasn't meant unkindly, it was more of a "oh you'll see one day how it really is" kind of laugh.
And of course I appreciate the sentiment of meal delivery but it ended up being more trouble in terms of the getting dressed and baby etc.
It was just kinda bugging me so I figured I'd check out other people's feelings here!
As always, thanks!!

Nope, she's wrong. There are plenty of us experienced moms who won't leave a baby alone in an apartment. Even many babies later.

She was wrong on both counts.

amother

Plum

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:07 pm

Thinking about it...the two are very connected.

She probably did feel guilty that she asked you to come down, which is why she made that comment about bringing the baby down. Because it made her feel better that it was your "new mom-ness" that made you shlep the baby down and then have to carry baby plus food up. That way, it took the extra guilt off of her.

naomi2

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:09 pm

This is really unbelievable, if you can't do chessed " properly" then dont at all?? "Moichel toivos?? What happened to judging people favorably or having hakaras hatov. Im really shocked by this whole thread

tweety1

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:09 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The week after having a baby, when people were dropping off meals I got a call from the person dropping off dinner asking me to come down (living in apartment building) because it was hard to park. Got newborn bundled up and came down. She laughed and said I can tell you are a new mother because I brought the baby instead of leaving her upstairs (alone??).
I understand it's a favor to cook for new mothers and that parking can be challenging but this seemed unfair to me, to ask someone postpartum to get dressed and come downstairs, and then especially to laugh that she didn't leave her newborn alone.
Basically just venting. Unless I'm wrong about this somehow?

I'll answer you as someone who's been on both sides. A receiver and sender. Never ever have I asked someone to come down. Even if it meant 3 flights up. People have asked me to come down and I very politely decline saying I'm really sorry but it's too hard for me.

amother

Beige

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:14 pm

I’m wondering if all the people who say it’s no big deal to ask a new mom to come down have ever had a c section or other birth related complication/hard recovery. Not every new mom is in a state where they can or should take a few flights up and down …

amother

Birch

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:31 pm

naomi2 wrote:

Exactly. The giver most likely didn't plan it this way. Also the op didn't mention climbing lots of stairs, I just assumed elevator like my building. Stairs can be a problem postpartum.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:37 pm

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

Sounds like this is an issue because the driver wasn't aware of a parking issue. Maybe she had a tight schedule and wouldn't be able to come back. Maybe she needed to be back home by a certain time to meet her kids, or pick up a carpool.
Meal trains need to be organized and managed well with clear communication, so everyone signing up knows exactly what is entailed (with no pressure if someone feels it is too much. I remember being pressured and feeling uncomfortable when I had to say no, and the organizer was not very nice about it. But the timing just didn't work for me.)

Simple1

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:55 pm

naomi2 wrote:

I'm also shocked at the answers. No it wasn't ideal. But it is what it is. Maybe she had good intentions, but her day went more hectic than she anticipated and didn't expect a parking issue. It's like letting "perfect be the enemy of good."

And as for the suggestion to have a passenger with you, not everyone has that available. I assume the joke was to cover up her guilt at having you unexpectedly bring your baby. Not the nicest, but maybe preparing the meal was more stressful than she expected and she ended up a little too harsh. Making suppers for family is a big job as it is. I'd let it go. Mazal Tov!

amother

Mon, May 16 2022, 12:56 pm

It's an elevator building, no stairs per se, but there was no way I would lock a newborn up in an empty apartment and take an elevator downstairs, and go out to the curb etc. What if I tripped or the elevator got stuck or a million unseen possibilities g-d forbid that kept me from returning immediately to my apartment.

I def don't think my feelings toward that would ever change based on getting older or having more experience as a mom.

So it was a matter of getting decently covered and bundling up the baby and carrying food and a baby back upstairs. Not a great plan lol. No evil intentions just maybe not so thought through.

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, May 16 2022, 1:12 pm

I would never leave a baby alone in the apartment. Honestly, I think it is just stupid and negligent. (Just as is leaving strollers with children outside stores, and children in cars-even for a few minutes) And my “baby” is now 21- older than some of you.
You put the baby in the carriage. No reason to carry the baby.
Then you also have the bottom of the stroller to put food in.

I am finding such a lack of flexibility, understanding of what others sacrifice to make meals, and overall hakarat hatov and appreciation.

I am wondering how many of the responders have made how many meals over the years, especially in comparison to how many they have received. Who makes, who says it is not their thing, and who receives. I also wonder about the demographics.