Was this reasonable?

tichellady

Mon, May 16 2022, 4:22 pm

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

I would never leave a baby alone in the apartment. Honestly, I think it is just stupid and negligent. (Just as is leaving strollers with children outside stores, and children in cars-even for a few minutes) And my “baby” is now 21- older than some of you.
You put the baby in the carriage. No reason to carry the baby.
Then you also have the bottom of the stroller to put food in.

I am finding such a lack of flexibility, understanding of what others sacrifice to make meals, and overall hakarat hatov and appreciation.

I am wondering how many of the responders have made how many meals over the years, especially in comparison to how many they have received. Who makes, who says it is not their thing, and who receives. I also wonder about the demographics.

I have made many many meals for other people. I would not ask someone to come down to get a meal unless I was desperate and then I would be super apologetic and kind about it. When I am postpartum my babies usually clusterfeed nonstop in the afternoons, or are asleep on me and no I can’t get dressed and put the baby in the stroller to get a meal. Getting dressed and getting the baby into a stroller under pressure can be very stressful especially after a first baby, a c section or with a baby who has difficulty nursing, sleeping etc . If someone lived somewhere with hard parking I would walk the meal over.

zoom

Mon, May 16 2022, 4:25 pm

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

We can split the difference. It would be better not to ask a new mother to come down. The driver may have been unaware of the parking situation and unfortunately felt a need to make the call after circling. If that happened, she needs to be very apologetic, and offer options- "I'm sorry- this is the situation. If you can come down, great. If not, I can try to either come back when your husband is home or see if someone else can come in a pair and deliver. I know this is inconvenient- what works?" And without the awareness to offer the options, to at least apologize for the situation, not make jokes, and compliment the baby.

I agree with this.
I would feel soo bad to ask a new mom to come down and fetch her meal.
If it was me, Id rather go without.
I understand shes doing a favour by making the meal but do it all the way.

Also you dont mention any apologies by the lady bringing it.

amother

Obsidian

Mon, May 16 2022, 4:34 pm

I would also never ask a new mom to come to pick up the meal.
Someone suggested it was easy, just throw on a robe, snood and no bra, no stockings and run back up. Wut?? A new, probably nursing Mom? No bra? That would be some show.
At a week post-partum I was still in a stupor. Barely showering. Certainly not dressed in outdoor clothes. And most likely in mid to severe discomfort.

amother

Plum

Mon, May 16 2022, 4:35 pm

I have made countless meals for people and generally don't take meals after giving birth.
I do it all the way.
I would never ask a postpartum mother to come fetch her meal. If there was really an unforseeable parking situation, I would call the mother and ask her if she would prefer to come down or if I should come back later when her husband is home. If she did come down, I would be very apologetic.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, May 16 2022, 4:45 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

Let's say you have a super tight schedule and logistically can't come back. And didn't know in advance you'd need a passenger to run in.
Sometimes there's miscommunication and obviously the woman felt bad and probably panicky about how to deal, maybe thinking of the next errand she needed to get to, and whatever else she had on her plate for tonight.

This is just one reason why I'm not a fan of community meal trains. If you are making for a good friend, you know the whole deal involved and are prepared. That's a different story than what op is describing and it sounds like a woman who went out of her way to help someone she barely knew and didn't realize the extent of what was involved. If she had known, she likely would not have signed up....but then op would be scrambling around for meals....

amother

Plum

Mon, May 16 2022, 4:46 pm

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

Then I would be profusely apologetic.

singleagain

Mon, May 16 2022, 4:50 pm

Just a guess... If the driver hadn't commented on OP's newness at being a mom..it wouldn't have irked her as much /at all?

I feel like attitude here is key. It sounds like OP felt a little ... Condescended to? And no one likes that feeling.. especially when she (OP) is not at her 100% and the driver is implying that this is a problem....

Again... Just a guess.. as my mom always says "it's not what you say it's what they hear." And I think what OP heard was "oh you poor silly thing you overexerted yourself and this is why I was doing you this massive favor and you didn't even manage to relax for that" or something like that.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, May 16 2022, 4:50 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

Then I would be profusely apologetic.

You say that now. But in the moment, under extreme pressure....people do/say all kinds of things they would never have said otherwise. You don't know for sure how you'd react in the heat of the moment.
I'd cut this lady some slack. And realize she was took time out of her day, spent $, to help someone she didn't really know.

amother

Plum

Mon, May 16 2022, 4:51 pm

singleagain wrote:

Great point!

If the op had gone down and the woman would have said "Sorry I couldn't bring it up, I didn't realize the parking situation here", I doubt OP would come onto imamother to start a thread!

amother

Chocolate

Mon, May 16 2022, 4:59 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

Maybe. I'd still cut her some slack. At the end of the day, she was doing a chessed. Just got more than she had bargained for and, under pressure, maybe wasn't as quick witted as she could have been. It happens to us all.
I'm betting she won't be so quick to sign up for the next meal train, and I don't blame her.

Sesame

Mon, May 16 2022, 5:03 pm

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

I believe that she would apologise. It’s not the biggest deal to say sorry I couldn’t come up, and it’s believable that many would say that. That’s not to say maybe this lady didn’t react in the heat of the moment. Defending the lady is fine, it could very well be she meant it all well but it came out wrong, but that doesn’t mean others shouldn’t be believed that they would feel bad.

amother

Ecru

Mon, May 16 2022, 5:08 pm

If there was an elevator then I dont think it was so bad.
Would it have been nice to get it delivered to the door? Yes!
Putting the baby into a carriage and throwing on a sweater isn't that big of a deal. The lady who cooked your supper probably spent 2+ hrs cooking and packaging it and then left her own kids to drive it to you.
And if you really couldn't do it you could have said sorry I'm after a c and its hard for me to walk.

amother

Holly

Mon, May 16 2022, 6:31 pm

I think the joke was her way of explaining that she hadn't expected OP to come out with the baby - she was probably surprised and felt bad about it.

I know that I've been in situations when delivering a meal that I was really quite pressured for time and I expect she was too - after the curveball she may've thought of a better way to explain / apologize.

mizle10

Mon, May 16 2022, 6:38 pm

Come on people, some hakaras hatov!! This lady did such a difficult chessed!

She spent time and money cooking for you. Left her house with her kids, possibly after getting a babysitter, to drive to your house with your fresh homemade supper. Couldn't find parking and most probably didn't have the time with her own family waiting at home to drive around looking for a spot. So she called when she was right by your front door to hop into your elevator and take it from her hands. She then had to drive back home at a time when traffic is usually bad, to her hungry family hecticness waiting to be served.

You say THANK YOU!!! You don't start a thread how unreasonable she was!!

amother

Chocolate

Mon, May 16 2022, 6:44 pm

mizle10 wrote:

Agree, and for all you know she was in the midst of fielding calls from her kids, "Mommy, when are you coming home, we're starving!" or "Ma, are you coming to pick us up from our after school play practice? It ended 15 minutes ago and the director is getting annoyed that there are still girls waiting to get picked up" or "Dear, do you think you will be back in the next 10 minutes? I have a chavrusah waiting and can't leave the kids alone" or even, "Mrs. X, this is the babysitter, I'm sorry to bother you, but you know I need to leave promptly at 5:30 and it's now 5:35, will you be here soon?" etc.....
None of these are phone calls she could exactly ignore.

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, May 16 2022, 6:51 pm

mizle10 wrote:

Thank you for saying this

amother

Canary

Mon, May 16 2022, 6:58 pm

mizle10 wrote:

Exactly!! I can’t believe you started a thread to badmouth someone who made u free dinner. This makes me hate meal trains. You try to help, but there will always be something to complain about.

Im thinking what would my mom or Savta say?
“Did you eat the food? Then say thank you and stfu”

amother

Jade

Mon, May 16 2022, 7:02 pm

amother [ Canary ] wrote:

Your mom or Savta would really say that? Surprised

amother

Coral

Mon, May 16 2022, 7:05 pm

amother [ Currant ] wrote:

I had someone like this. It was in the dead of winter so it was freezing outside. I live in a private house with a driveway she says she drove past and isn’t turning around. I wanted to say it’s ok keep the food. Instead I stupidly unlatched my baby bundled us up and walked down the block and shlepped the heavy food back myself. If I’m well enough to do all that I can also cook my own supper… people really don’t get it

Exactly, like in the time she got dressed and baby dressed and went up and down flights she could probably have just made herself dinner to begin with. The whole point is to let her recover, making her leave to pick it up defeats the whole purpose