Having parents/in-laws pp

keym

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 11:07 am

I have a different perspective.
I live in Lakewood. My in-laws live OOT. A 2 hour flight away. I have made 4 brissim.
They will come in the evening before. Come to my house for the krias shma, buy themselves takeout, kiss and hug my kids and then spend the night in a cheap motel.
The bris ends at 9:30. They have to leave Lakewood at 3:30 to get to the airport. Yes, they'll hang out in my living room. They'll make themselves lunch from the bris leftovers, help pack away the leftovers. Maybe I'll send them in an errand.
I could kick them out. Make them sit in their gross motel room for 7 hours. But then I shouldn't complain if they don't come, don't care about the next kid

I've had my in-laws for Shabbos of the shalom zachor once or twice. I bought takeout or asked friends to help.

Is it ideal? No. Ideal would be tgat I can recuperate exactly how I want.
But it's life. Benefits and risks. I want my kids to have grandparents. These are my husband's parents.
I set my own boundaries. I will not cook or clean or anything.
But I think family is a bit messy, a bit complicated, a bit not ideal.

amother

Glitter

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 11:24 am

I’m the OP of that thread. My in-laws came to the hospital for my pre covid births and also came to the house (aka tiny apartment). My parents came to the hospital for my first birth only. My mother is incredibly helpful post birth taking the baby so I can sleep and changes the baby when needed. My mother in law is happy to hold sleeping babies and hands them to me as soon as they make a peep or need to be changed. So there’s a difference and it affects who is more welcome. My goal post partum is to have things simple and stress free. If you are don’t bring stress you’re welcome. If you do then you’re not.

amother

Daffodil

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 11:32 am

You can set whichever boundaries you want. I told different family members when they could visit after my last birth. There were no surprise drop-ins.
This time, I moved to a different country and plan to set a boundary that may seem excessive to some, but will be for everyone. For my mental wellbeing, as well as my baby's health.
As the mother of the baby (and my husband is on board), it's well within my right to set boundaries that I feel are necessary.
However, I would not set different boundaries for parents/in-laws, even though I'm closer to one set of our parents. That doesn't feel fair to me.

amother

NeonPink

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 11:47 am

One can set whatever boundaries one wants. But if one of those boundaries is “you’re not welcome if you cause me any stress” (hello??? What isn’t stressful when PP?), don’t be surprised if In-laws stop joining the simchas. Then we see the posts about how they can’t even be bothered to get to know their grandchildren. It does seem like some people don’t care whether a set of parents is involved and would prefer that they stay far away but recognize you are only 1 piece of the family puzzle.

amother

Snapdragon

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 11:59 am

And my parents live oversea, a 8h flight away. In laws as well. Came for a few weeks every single birth (not both together usually unless there was bris). I have a big family ky'h. When It was yom tov time came the whole yom tov. Sometimes It Was a help, sometimes it was very inconvenient but it was just not an option to exclude them from our simcha.
Our simcha is their simcha as well!!!
It wasn't always easy and sometimes I was a little jealous of the ladies that had relatives coming for 2h and then went back to their house.
Just because you had a baby doesn't mean you're patur of thinking of other ppl but yourself! Try to make the best of the situation. Things don't always go the way we want them to and that's ok.

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 12:02 pm

I would feel very bad if my dc expected or insisted that I leave right afterwards if I traveled from OOT (in the true sense, not in the frummy sense) for the bris. Six hours in transit and I can't even come to your house to use the bathroom and freshen up for the return trip? OTOH, I like to think I'm a considerate parent, so I would plan to leave right after the festivities, even if it meant hanging around an airport until departure. Of course inlaws can't do anything right, so I'd probably get criticized for being cold and unfriendly because I stayed just long enough for the ceremony and then split. And I agree with all the posters who said that they don't expect the new mom to play hostess--that's what the dhs are for.

I had a similar experience. Dc asked me to come to them to take care of their older kids when they went to the hospital. On the day the baby was coming home, the new parents told me point blank that they expected me to deliver the older kids to school and be gone by the time they arrived home from the hospital. That was my plan in any case, but I didn't appreciate being told to get the heck out ASAP. What I heard loud and clear was "we'll tolerate your presence when we need your help but we don't want you around otherwise."

amother

Lightblue

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 12:08 pm

(Copied from other thread, where I posted before I saw this one.)

I don’t think she has to have them stay over at her house, but a compromise can be reached, that will benefit both sides and avoid hard feelings. There is nothing wrong with DH telling his parents “DIL is not in a position to prepare sleeping accommodations for you at this time, but we can make arrangements for you at nearby hotel, neighbor’s basement, etc. if you want to stay over” (as long as it is said pleasantly). There is nothing wrong with suggesting that in-laws keep visit to house brief and then take other kids out and keep them occupied the rest of the day (which will be a help for DIl and give them a chance to spend time with their grandchildren). There is nothing wrong with telling DH “I’m not up to hosting or entertaining anyone at this time, so you will need to deal with everything that relates to your parents at this time.” But refusing to even let them into the house to visit with their son and grandchildren is terrible midos, awful modeling for the other children, and unfair to DH.

The name of the game is compromise and try to come up with a plan that will best meet everyone’s needs - including yours, but not only yours.

amother

Whitesmoke

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 1:40 pm

I think some of this might depend on personality. I am an introvert and this is even more so after birth. I like to 'hibernate'. I would probably want to stay in my bedroom and let dh entertain downstairs. He would enjoy it and I would enjoy having some space.
My sil is the opposite of me. She hosted a full sholom zochor 2 days after birth with all her friends coming round and she loved it.
Again, when we're talking about healthy relationships with healthy boundaries, most of this will fall into place. Most people with healthy social skills are able to gauge when it is appropriate and why it might be sensible to not hang out at someone pp for hours on end.

amother

Hunter

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 1:48 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

They can see the baby at the bris! I don’t know how it’s done by you but by DS my in-laws first spent a while with me in the private room immediately afterwards, holding him and calming him down. Then my mil held him pretty much the rest of the bris, showing him off to all her friends who came. Why do I have to allow visitors at a time when it is really really hard to? For me, it would be waaaay worse than having visitors randomly at 3 am. The bris zapped all my physical and emotional energy. It was extremely draining.

By chassidim the mother doesn't attend the bris.
Mom hosts a brunch for the ladies after the bris, and spends some time with the guest.
Especially if they have been traveling to the Simcha it is appropriate that the new mom show her face to thank them.
New mom doesn't have to do the prep at all, but it is rude not to have some food for the guest who traveled to your simcha.

If you can't provide the basics, you can't complain when people will stop attending your Simchas.

amother

DarkKhaki

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 9:28 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

Well said. MILs never win. We are just destined to be the evil stepmother in their own fantasy tale.

amother

Olive

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 10:02 pm

I would not want ANYONE in my house for the first few weeks pp.
Grandparents who are desperate to see their new grandchild are more than welcome to come to the nursery in the hospital and see him/her before I go home.
At the bris they can see the baby again.
Or they can invite us for dinner:-) or to stay with them for Shabbos.

amother

Tealblue

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 10:14 pm

I stopped by my parents to show them the baby on the way home from the hospital at 12 pm at night literally 24 hours after I gave birth since I knew they would appreciate it. Was it convenient? Obviously no. But it wasn't the biggest deal and it made them happy. And no I'm not super close with them and they don't help me much. But in that situation it was the right thing to do and I'm glad I did it. Ladies, stop being so self centered. Yes you are postpartum and should be treated well but it won't kill you to think about others feelings too a bit. If your parents or in laws drive in hours for your kids bris or to see the new baby you can let them spend a bit of time in your house. You don't have to cook for them or entertain them and you can go hide in your room, but you can be a little gracious. Think about how you will feel if the roles were reversed. Gd willing you will be a grandma one day and think about how you want to be treated.

amother

Buttercup

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 10:16 pm

I’m find with it. If it’s my in laws, my husband just has to be home too.

But I’m also not even a little bit in host mode. Everyone can help themselves and I get changed into tznius pajamas and sleep if I need to. No one coming to my house 8 days pp should have any expectations of me and I literally have no energy to try. Literally just there’s the couch, the coffee is in the kitchen, if you’re going already, make me one too.

groovy1224

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 10:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No I didn’t have to, because they didn’t ask. They are really understanding.

I just can’t understand how some people on here think they are entitled to visit whenever they want and absolutely cannot be shut out even for one day. BH my MIL is not like this. And even if she was, of course I would be nice about it and say something like “today is really not good, but we would love to see you tomorrow!” But I am entitled to my space. It is not their house. It is mine and DHs. And since I don’t make requests like this often, I would expect DH to agree with me. Just like I would agree with him if he made a rare request not to have my parents at a specific time.

I've never seen anyone say this.

amother

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 11:01 pm

amother [ Tealblue ] wrote:

Im happy for the people on here who can’t understand how much pain I’m in after birth. Literally had 3rd degree tearing + inflamed nerves. You cannot imagine the agony. One time, my parents were over and I literally could not get from my room to the bathroom and collapsed on the floor. I think I traumatized them and my siblings. Then when I finally got to the bathroom I had to literally bite my hand to keep from screaming. I absolutely cannot have anyone over for about 2 weeks pp. it is a HUGE deal. I’m not just being selfish.

amother

Glitter

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 11:22 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

In my particular case my in-laws don’t allow us to visit their home at all when we travel in for their simchas with kids so I don’t feel bad treating them the same way. They never put us up and it’s up to us to find our own accommodations if we have to go to them for something so will be the same if and when they choose to come to us.

amother

Snapdragon

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 11:52 pm

amother [ Glitter ] wrote:

Sounds terrible. So sorry for you! Hug