Having parents/in-laws pp

amother

Azure

Tue, Jul 19 2022, 11:54 pm

amother [ Glitter ] wrote:

In my particular case my in-laws don’t allow us to visit their home at all when we travel in for their simchas with kids so I don’t feel bad treating them the same way. They never put us up and it’s up to us to find our own accommodations if we have to go to them for something so will be the same if and when they choose to come to us.

You mean they don’t host the week that they make chasunah?
Do they host you when they aren’t making a Simcha?

amother

Glitter

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 12:45 am

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

You mean they don’t host the week that they make chasunah?
Do they host you when they aren’t making a Simcha?

Yes, I mean they don’t host us the week they make a chasuna. They also don’t host us other times. They show no interest in us or spending time with their grandchildren.

imaima

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 3:11 am

amother [ Glitter ] wrote:

Yes, I mean they don’t host us the week they make a chasuna. They also don’t host us other times. They show no interest in us or spending time with their grandchildren.

I really think the other thread belongs into a forum for abusive family members.
It must have been painful for you to read that you are awful because your in-laws „do so much for you“ and stuff. Your dh needs therapy to realize he doesn’t need to deserve love.

amother

Grape

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 3:24 am

amother [ Tealblue ] wrote:

I stopped by my parents to show them the baby on the way home from the hospital at 12 pm at night literally 24 hours after I gave birth since I knew they would appreciate it. Was it convenient? Obviously no. But it wasn't the biggest deal and it made them happy. And no I'm not super close with them and they don't help me much. But in that situation it was the right thing to do and I'm glad I did it. Ladies, stop being so self centered. Yes you are postpartum and should be treated well but it won't kill you to think about others feelings too a bit. If your parents or in laws drive in hours for your kids bris or to see the new baby you can let them spend a bit of time in your house. You don't have to cook for them or entertain them and you can go hide in your room, but you can be a little gracious. Think about how you will feel if the roles were reversed. Gd willing you will be a grandma one day and think about how you want to be treated.

What is 12 pm at night? Midnight?
You visited your parents at midnight on the way home from the hospital?
Why is that commendable and what am I not getting.

amother

Grape

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 4:25 am

amother [ Glitter ] wrote:

Yes, I mean they don’t host us the week they make a chasuna. They also don’t host us other times. They show no interest in us or spending time with their grandchildren.

I've learned that there are different types of grandparents. Some enjoy spending time, cooking and baking, buying gifts, seeing pictures while others don't. Some are tuned in and ready to help while the others aren't capable. And there's not much we can do except accept the situation and deal with it. Accepting that they are the other kind of grandparents and there's nothing you can do to change that and they're still a necessary part of your children's lives.
Accepting doesn't mean you allow them to do whatever they want, you still have your opinions and needs and you can implement appropriate healthy boundaries. But it goes a long way towards taking away some of that resentment and anger and disappointment.

amother

Mocha

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 7:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I allowed my in-laws to visit literally every single day except the day of the bris. They came to the hospital, they came twice that week to my house as well. I’m not depriving them of their grandchild But the bris day was just too hard.

Not sure why so many people feel you must allow them to come the day of the bris. Clearly they have been seeing their grandchild and you are not depriving them, by not allowing them to come the day of the bris.

amother

Pewter

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 7:57 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Im happy for the people on here who can’t understand how much pain I’m in after birth. Literally had 3rd degree tearing + inflamed nerves. You cannot imagine the agony. One time, my parents were over and I literally could not get from my room to the bathroom and collapsed on the floor. I think I traumatized them and my siblings. Then when I finally got to the bathroom I had to literally bite my hand to keep from screaming. I absolutely cannot have anyone over for about 2 weeks pp. it is a HUGE deal. I’m not just being selfish.

I too was in enormous amount of pain, due to other chronic conditions which were caused by pregnancy and took a long time to heal.

I relate so much to having to hold myself back from screaming, but in my case I did scream a lot and cry.

I look back and realize how I put my in laws wants before my basic needs. I twisted myself into a pretzel in order not to be that nasty Dil who prevents her in laws from seeing their grandchild.

We need to remind ourselves that we are the ones who are recuperating from birth. In every way, physically, emotionally, mentally. Nothing happens if the grandparents don't see the newborn so much at first. But if mom doesn't recuperate, it can affect that very child for a long time by having an unhealthy, irritable, unstable mother.

amother

Bellflower

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 1:53 pm

I don't see anything wrong with sending several pictures of the new baby in the first week and letting the parents/in-laws wait until the bris to see him, and again wait another week to hold the baby.
Some people have a really hard time with their space being invaded, even if they are not the ones entertaining, but are holed up in their room. And everyhting is going to be a thousand times harder and more emotional PP, so let the new mother make whatever boundaries she wants.
It's not about middos. That first week you can be mechallel shabbos for her, you can certainly tell the relatives they need to wait a little longer to come over.
And what about the relatives' middos and sensitivities to the cholah? Do they know it is assur to do bikur cholim if it inconveniences the choleh? Are they thinking of others or just themselves?
The baby doesn't do or change much in the first few weeks, so they are not really missing out.

keym

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 2:03 pm

amother [ Bellflower ] wrote:

So you think grandparents should be expected to fly in from elsewhere for the bris. In some communities pay for the bris. And immediately after the bris turn around and be expected to sit in the airport for 5 hours and go home?
Not come into their son and daughter in law's house for a coffee or freshen up?
And then there will be taynos that they have no interest in coming for the bris.

I don't know.
This whole thinking is so foreign to me.
Of course the kimpaturin shouldn't be the one entertaining.

I have hard labors. Hard recoveries. Lots of stitches. My babies are not good nursers in the beginning.

But these are my husband's parents. Who paid good money to fly And be here at the bris. The least I can do is let them cuddle the baby, make themselves some sandwiches and maybe come for the shalom zachor.

amother

Glitter

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 2:07 pm

keym wrote:

Glad that works in your situation. There is generally speaking food to be had at a bris. No need to invite over for another meal. And in my case—well they live as far from me as I live from them and don’t let us come over or offer any form of hospitality even when not immediately post partum so I don’t feel bad not offering the same.

amother

Amber

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 2:18 pm

amother [ Glitter ] wrote:

This sounds hard. It seems like you're saying that you have never been invited to your in laws home?

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 2:51 pm

keym wrote:

I feel like there’s often a big disconnect between people who live near their parents and people who don’t.

I have never lived in the same state as my parents or in-laws. I have hosted right after having a baby, when they come for a bris. My parents are super helpful, and my in-laws are at least easy-going and not demanding. I don’t feel like I have to do much. But I do allow them in my space. They can’t just come and visit the next week.

I feel bad for amother glitter, with difficult in-laws. That makes the story quite different.

keym

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 3:03 pm

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

I agree.
I've never lived closer than a 2 hour plane ride to either my parents or my in-laws.
And yes, that means we all put up with less than ideal situations.
Amother glitter does seem to be dealing with a particular difficult situation so I'm not responding to her.

But in general I get concerned about the extreme lack of flexibility that we model for our children even post-partum. About the lack of understanding that not everyone and their parents live driving distance from Brooklyn and Lakewood. And that OOTers are not bad people, even if the culture is different and includes allowing grandparents to come over.

amother

Bellflower

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 3:41 pm

keym wrote:

I guess I assume that parents are paying and/or travelling for the simcha to be supportive of their child and share in THEIR simcha. If it is a tircha on the new mother to host or even too much emotionally to have people in her house while she is locked in her room, then yes, I would expect the parents to respect it and understand that she is not up to it.
If the entire relationship is one where you never let your in-laws through the door, that's bad middos and setting an example for your kids etc. A boundary imposed in one particular situation when you feel it is merited is not bad middos.
I would assume that most people are very nice and want to have good relationships with their in-laws, so if they feel the need to ask for privacy PP, it is because they really feel they need it, and just because you have never felt that need doesn't mean they are wrong.

Why can't the parents rent a room for the night and come over the next day?

amother

Bellflower

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 3:47 pm

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

If your parents are super helpful and you have a good relationship with them, you probably have no problem having them in your house even PP.
Many people do not have that relationship with their in-laws. When you are exhausted, in physical pain and an emotional wreck from the bris and having dressed yourself and your kids and the baby, travelled to the hall, hosted a simcha and entertained guests for hours - sometimes having them over is really just too much to handle.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 4:46 pm

amother [ Bellflower ] wrote:

I do understand that. I am not particularly close to my in-laws, though they are nice people. But they drove a distance to come to our bris, and they genuinely cannot afford to buy a hotel room. I was not inviting them to stay for a week, but I did let them visit my apartment for a bit afterwards. If I really needed privacy I would have gone to my room.

amother

Glitter

Wed, Jul 20 2022, 4:58 pm

I don’t think a bris is something grandparents have to travel far for. I happen to live relatively close to my parents but wouldn’t expect them to travel for a bris. And I’m happy to host all who are helpful and don’t leave a disaster in their wake while I’m recuperating. It just so happens that my parents are closer and helpful and my in-laws are farther and not helpful.