Seriously at wits end with 6y old daughter

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:46 am

she is OBSESSED with parting her hair in the center before pulling it back into a ponytail

she will accept nothing less than a PERFECT part

which means she stands and stares into the mirror and will INSIST that I redo it multiple times until she deems it PERFECTLY straight or even or whatever

If I'm not able to apply myself due to time constraints or if her part isnt exactly they way she wants it she goes absolutely ballistic

she will scream cry hit throw stuff and there is NOONE TO TALK TO

for context she is the youngest
she does get more stuff than our other children
but she's latley become very demanding and bossy
and I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS

#BestBubby

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:50 am

Just stop.

Say you will do one do over and that's it.

Teach her to part her own hair and she can get up an hour earlier to work on it.

imaima

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:52 am

How hard is it to do a perfect part? 🤨 not hard at all

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:57 am

I taught her

the part is perfect as far as I'm concerned - and I do do it once [ok - 5 times]

issue is SHE doesnt think it's perfect

she leans over and shows me where it's 'curving' [it isnt]

I have two issues

1. I think this obsession with perfect part is OCD like - completely irrational - only she sees the imperfection
2. her going beserk over this simply scares me. it's like she suddenly turns into an unrecognizable monster

dankbar

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:06 am

You can do it with a comb to be more even.

You don't need to give in to her tantrums

#BestBubby

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:07 am

Take DD out for ice cream and have a talk that her behavior is Not Healthy and you are not going to enable her obsession.

DD should part her own hair and you will ignore all tantrums.

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:10 am

I told her
doesnt help Sad

but how do I deal with the ensuing tantrum?
which consequence should I use if any

taketwo

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:12 am

Does she have any other anxiety or ocd issues?

amother

Zinnia

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:14 am

Therapy to learn coping skills and to help with the ocd tendencies

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:25 am

no other anxiety or OCD issues

yes issues of wanting things absolutely HER WAY or the highway

amother

Lightpink

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:48 am

Similar situation here but not with hair BH. I am all left hands with hair!
What I do is a "rinse wash repeat" method. Make your point known.
Do not react to the tears. No attention to it.
Repeat position.
No reaction to meltdown.
"I don't give in to tears and whines. My ears shut off to whines now"
Ignore meltdown.
"I answered that already. Now I am going to pack lunches for school."
Then walk away.

Super hard!! But the biggest part is once you make a line in the sand don't give in. Dont give the whine any attention.

So for instance, if the meltdown was over what cereal box was opened (um, last week?) - repeat "we only have 1 weekday cereal open at a time. You can pick the next one. We will take turns.."
"But I HATE CORNFLAKES!!! I NEVER EAT IT!!".
(Remember, it isnt that she doesnt like it. she eats it all the time. Same brand, same style etc. Never complained).
"You ate it last week. We only have 1 box open at a time. You can pick the next one when this one is finished".
NO!!! I HATE IT!! (Cue Tears, hysterics).
Repeat your statement.
She then by now knows to wash her face off, calm down. I didn't even tell her this time. We have been at this for a long time.
She came back and said "I only like it with milk."
"Oh? You want milk in your cereal? What do you ask then?"
And she asked nicely and got it.

And now I am totally wiped.

Keep at it. Dont give the meltdowns attention. Dont give in to her demands.

Now, when she is calm and not when you are doing hair, you can try to talk about it and see what is up. Did she get teased badly when she had a not so great part and now is obsessing over not getting teased again?

asmileaday

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:48 am

I recommend reading the explosive child. It sounds like Collaborative Problem Solving might work for her.
The Explosive Child https://a.co/d/1FaYmAY

Last edited by asmileaday on Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:50 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Apple

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:49 am

amother OP wrote:

no other anxiety or OCD issues

yes issues of wanting things absolutely HER WAY or the highway

Being extremely rigid is often how ocd presents in children. They have a script playing in their heads of how things need to be, and veering from them sends them spiraling into distress.

Pandas is a common cause of ocd in children.

taketwo

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:51 am

amother OP wrote:

no other anxiety or OCD issues

yes issues of wanting things absolutely HER WAY or the highway

That could stem from anxiety. She has to control things to make her feel safe. If it's a different way there could be unknowns and out of her control.

Do you or your dh have any anxiety issues? Maybe she could be picking up something from you or is genetically disposed to anxiety. I would try and model flexibility. Talk about it out loud when things go wrong and are not to your liking and how it bothers you but how you'll just be flexible and work with the circumstances anyway.

You can also do a fun experiment with her. Take raw spaghetti and ask her to snap them in half, then cook some spaghetti and ask her to snap those. It won't be so easy to snap the cooked spaghetti because it it soft and flexible. Use that as a Nimshal for how when we want everything just so we can easily get upset and snap in anger, but if we're flexible and go with the flow we won't so easily snap and experience those not fun feelings of anger and frustration.

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 1:18 pm

hmmm
lots to explore here

mushkamothers

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 1:24 pm

You're getting behavioral parenting advice but this doesnt sound like a behavioral issue, it sounds like OCD or anxiety so all the ice cream and lectures in the world won't help. You still shouldn't give in but you need to explore why your 6 year old is presenting this way and yes it is for example a common psych symptom of pandas which is after all inflammation in the brain.

Rubber Ducky

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 1:37 pm

Book rec for your daughter: Manny in a Pickle. Fun story about an adult tantrumming like a child — a good place to start a discussion.

Link: https://www.israelbookshoppubl.....7.htm

amother

Khaki

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 4:21 pm

You are describing me as a child. I had this exact issue with parts around that age. Hysterics, crying and raving. Full blown meltdown. And I have OCD (no pandas or anything like that, just plain and simple OCD). I believe this manifested even before I had a diagnosis. On its own, it doesn't mean your child has OCD, but it could be from that.

The way you react to a regular meltdown and the way you react to an OCD meltdown (or panic attack) are not the same and need to be handled very differently. Consequences are the wrong approacj and will just make things worse, as the child genuinely can not control herself. Whether you should ignore it or try to help her calm down depemds on several factors. That being said, I don't have any practical advice here for during her meltdowns, as I never had to parent myself. But practical advice I can give is that it is worth taking your child to a qualifies child psychologist who specializes in OCD in children. They can help decode this extreme reaction, OCD or not, and guide you and your child in ways to cope with it. Therapy is a gift - if you are struggling with her reaction, imagine how hard it is for her to be trapped inside it, whether it is OCD or not.

I can give one practical suggestion which really helped me and my mom - a super short hair cut when I was around 7. No part at all, so no meltdowns. Worked wondera for me. But you would have to get your daughter on board.

Lastly, try talking to your daughter about it when it isn't happening, at a calm time. Ask her how she thinks she could calm down, she may surprise you with ideas. Also, ask her what it is about the part being not perfect that bothers her, undersranding her underlying issue may also help you understand what kind of problem you are dealing with.

BrisketBoss

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 7:28 pm

asmileaday wrote:

I recommend reading the explosive child. It sounds like Collaborative Problem Solving might work for her.
The Explosive Child https://a.co/d/1FaYmAY

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