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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Giving Gifts
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amother
Lavender
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 Fri, Dec 16 2022, 9:27 am
I give a gift and $25. She comes once a week. I don’t think gifts and over the top
Bonuses mAke them more loyal. They leave when they feel like it. I worked for 25 years. I got a mug from my boss or we had a lame Chanukah party.
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amother
Watermelon
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 9:33 am
| Highstrung wrote: | I find this thread fascinating . When people start threads about tipping rebbes and teachers some people are up in arms about this idea of giving Chanuka and Purim tips .
But when it comes to your non Jewish service worker , suddenly you MUST give exhorbitant sums , amounts you would never even give the rebbe? Like a weeks worth of pay? And how in heavens name are we supposed to come up with all this money when you work for corporate America and they don’t give holiday bonuses ? It seems so hypocritical to me , in a way. |
THIS! Was going to write the same thing!
Do you also tip your babysitter one week's worth? Really curious!
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Highstrung
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 9:40 am
| amother Leaf wrote: | | A cleaning lady is a luxury. If you can find the money to have her you should find the money to gift her, if you want her to stay loyal to you. A rebbe is a necessity. People legit may not have the money to tip the rebbe. |
I actually give up a lot on my basic needs so that I could pay the cleaning lady. I didn’t have one for years and it has taken a mental and physical toll on me. So just a few weeks ago I started having one , so that I could keep up with my full time job and have a home semi put together. That money was not extra. I just prioritized the cleaning help over food and clothes , literally.
So no, I don’t have the funds to give her a weeks pay , even if for me that only means $135 . Because $135 x 4 weeks a month is all I have , not a dollar more. When I gift my CL , it’s not with ulterior motives of her staying loyal to me. It’s to say thanks for what you do and enjoy the Holiday. So isn’t it the thought that counts ? A holiday gift , a small tip , but the point is I’m expressing appreciation even if I can’t afford more.
When I tip a Rebbe it’s to say thank you for the chinuch you provide to me child. It’s appreciation.
Why should there be an expectation of giving the CL more than the Rebbe? .My CL works one day a week, the Rebbe works six days a week for me.
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4g01o
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 9:49 am
Well mine isn't getting anything this year from me because she's not turned up for 2 weeks in a row now. Without letting me know, or answering my calls.
She text me last week Friday (after she was meant to have come) to say sorry her phone was on silent, she's in bed unwell.
Well she's getting fired 
Searching for a new one. In the meantime life is crazy busy, and my house not it's cleanest
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amother
Stoneblue
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 10:03 am
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I have a q- I have a cleaning lady 2x a month. do I also need to give her a holiday gift?
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amother
Molasses
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 10:11 am
| Highstrung wrote: | I actually give up a lot on my basic needs so that I could pay the cleaning lady. I didn’t have one for years and it has taken a mental and physical toll on me. So just a few weeks ago I started having one , so that I could keep up with my full time job and have a home semi put together. That money was not extra. I just prioritized the cleaning help over food and clothes , literally.
So no, I don’t have the funds to give her a weeks pay , even if for me that only means $135 . Because $135 x 4 weeks a month is all I have , not a dollar more. When I gift my CL , it’s not with ulterior motives of her staying loyal to me. It’s to say thanks for what you do and enjoy the Holiday. So isn’t it the thought that counts ? A holiday gift , a small tip , but the point is I’m expressing appreciation even if I can’t afford more.
When I tip a Rebbe it’s to say thank you for the chinuch you provide to me child. It’s appreciation.
Why should there be an expectation of giving the CL more than the Rebbe? .My CL works one day a week, the Rebbe works six days a week for me. |
It really comes down to what the cost of something is.
In the USA the cost of a meal in a restaurant includes a tip so justifying not tipping a waiter because one can't afford it is just justifying being cheap on the backs of a working person.
Same with tipping a manicurist, hair stylist, delivery person etc. All of these jobs include tips as part of the normal compensation in the US.
If you have only had a cleaning lady for a few weeks, then obviously you don't have to give her the equivalent of a full week's pay.
And tipping the normal amount for your cleaning lady is part of compensation and so will judge offers that come to her based on what the compensation is. Most cleaning ladies (or other workers) don't quit or move for the sake of novelty. They do it because the pay is better or the working conditions are better or a combination of the two.
I think if people are honest there are some element of wanting to ensure that their child isn't discriminated against if they don't tip a rebbe at least the customary amount. There is a reason why cash gifts to teachers are not permitted by public schools or by private schools except it seems in the Jewish world. I wonder if cash gifts are the norm in those Jewish schools which pay teachers well and so tipping isn't part of their total compensation.
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amother
Offwhite
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 10:12 am
As always do what you can and feel is appropriate and even customary in your circles.
Everyone does not have to do the same thing.
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amother
Trillium
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 10:38 am
| amother Molasses wrote: | It really comes down to what the cost of something is.
In the USA the cost of a meal in a restaurant includes a tip so justifying not tipping a waiter because one can't afford it is just justifying being cheap on the backs of a working person.
Same with tipping a manicurist, hair stylist, delivery person etc. All of these jobs include tips as part of the normal compensation in the US.
If you have only had a cleaning lady for a few weeks, then obviously you don't have to give her the equivalent of a full week's pay.
And tipping the normal amount for your cleaning lady is part of compensation and so will judge offers that come to her based on what the compensation is. Most cleaning ladies (or other workers) don't quit or move for the sake of novelty. They do it because the pay is better or the working conditions are better or a combination of the two.
I think if people are honest there are some element of wanting to ensure that their child isn't discriminated against if they don't tip a rebbe at least the customary amount. There is a reason why cash gifts to teachers are not permitted by public schools or by private schools except it seems in the Jewish world. I wonder if cash gifts are the norm in those Jewish schools which pay teachers well and so tipping isn't part of their total compensation. |
I agree with your explanation of why it is expected.
BTW, I worked in a public school in an upper iddle class area. Most parents gave either individual gift cards or the class chipped in to give one big gift card (average total was usually around $200). Technically we weren't supposed to accept a gift with a value greater than $25 but "don't ask don't tell." I did get $50 gift cards on occasion though usually $20-25 was the norm.
Now I work in a modern orthodox school with a wealthy student body. The accepted protocol is to give the teacher cash. Usually a parent collects the money and gives it as a big lump sum. I have had a few parents ask to venmo me an individual gift of cash.
I'd estimate with the group collection, parents give between $25-50. For the parents who give individually, more like $100.
This is Chanukah and end of year. No Purim or Pesach.
Believe, this all took me very by surprise when I switched jobs. Was not expecting cash or the large amounts.
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amother
Leaf
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 10:42 am
| Highstrung wrote: | I actually give up a lot on my basic needs so that I could pay the cleaning lady. I didn’t have one for years and it has taken a mental and physical toll on me. So just a few weeks ago I started having one , so that I could keep up with my full time job and have a home semi put together. That money was not extra. I just prioritized the cleaning help over food and clothes , literally.
So no, I don’t have the funds to give her a weeks pay , even if for me that only means $135 . Because $135 x 4 weeks a month is all I have , not a dollar more. When I gift my CL , it’s not with ulterior motives of her staying loyal to me. It’s to say thanks for what you do and enjoy the Holiday. So isn’t it the thought that counts ? A holiday gift , a small tip , but the point is I’m expressing appreciation even if I can’t afford more.
When I tip a Rebbe it’s to say thank you for the chinuch you provide to me child. It’s appreciation.
Why should there be an expectation of giving the CL more than the Rebbe? .My CL works one day a week, the Rebbe works six days a week for me. |
Because that is what the expectation of your cleaning lady is. If you don't care if she leaves you don't tip her. However if a rebbe treats a child dif because he didn't get tipped he is in the wrong profession. That's it. I don't have a cleaning lady. I tip the rebbe. But I understand someone who is struggling and doesn't have cleaning help and can't afford to tip the rebbe. Some people are living really tight now.
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Highstrung
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 10:52 am
| amother Leaf wrote: | | Because that is what the expectation of your cleaning lady is. If you don't care if she leaves you don't tip her. However if a rebbe treats a child dif because he didn't get tipped he is in the wrong profession. That's it. I don't have a cleaning lady. I tip the rebbe. But I understand someone who is struggling and doesn't have cleaning help and can't afford to tip the rebbe. Some people are living really tight now. |
Is it really the expectation of the cleaning ladies to get a weeks worth of pay as a holiday gift? Is this world wide ? Is this an American thing? Is this community specific?
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amother
Dahlia
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 10:58 am
| Highstrung wrote: | | Is it really the expectation of the cleaning ladies to get a weeks worth of pay as a holiday gift? Is this world wide ? Is this an American thing? Is this community specific? |
I can't speak for the world, or even all of America. I can tell you that where I live it's the norm and it has been for as long as I can remember. My mother did the same thing 40 years ago as today.
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amother
Leaf
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 10:59 am
| Highstrung wrote: | | Is it really the expectation of the cleaning ladies to get a weeks worth of pay as a holiday gift? Is this world wide ? Is this an American thing? Is this community specific? |
Its an American thing and I guess how much they expect is based on their community. Nobody is forced to give anything they don't want. Cleaning ladies especially in the tri state area are in high demand so if you want loyalty you give a tip. I hope rebbeim are at a higher level than not being loyal/nice to your kid if you don't tip.
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amother
Pearl
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 11:23 am
| Highstrung wrote: | | Is it really the expectation of the cleaning ladies to get a weeks worth of pay as a holiday gift? Is this world wide ? Is this an American thing? Is this community specific? |
I live in Canada. Me and most of my friends have full timed help. The standard holiday bonus here is $150-$200.
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Amarante
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Fri, Dec 16 2022, 11:30 am
| Highstrung wrote: | | Is it really the expectation of the cleaning ladies to get a weeks worth of pay as a holiday gift? Is this world wide ? Is this an American thing? Is this community specific? |
Among the so-called white shoe law firms of Wall Street, there is a "standard" salary paid to first year associates which was called the going rate.
The joke was that it was called the "going rate" because if a law firm didn't match it, they would go to Cravath.
The same is true for cleaning ladies. There is a going rate which theoretically includes information on holiday gifts and if you want to retain the services of a good reliable honest cleaner, then you need to pay at least the going rate and perhaps more if you have a long term relationship with a cleaning person.
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amother
Cornsilk
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Tue, Dec 20 2022, 9:50 am
Any English mothers here? Is this really what English people do too? 😬
Are they expecting more than a small box of chocolates!? I have 3 hours a week..
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4g01o
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Tue, Dec 20 2022, 9:55 am
| amother Cornsilk wrote: | Any English mothers here? Is this really what English people do too? 😬
Are they expecting more than a small box of chocolates!? I have 3 hours a week.. |
Yes, I'm from England and a box of chocolates is more than enough!
It's the gesture, and to say that you haven't forgotten her holidays.
They get happy with anything, it's literally the thought that counts.
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Bnei Berak 10
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Tue, Dec 20 2022, 10:20 am
| amother Slategray wrote: | Our rav told us we cannot give holiday gift. It’s acknowledging something that is against our Torah.
Instead, he said, give a New Years gift and state it explicitly.
I give $100, a lot for me. |
I think it's OK to give since it's a "bribe" ie something to make her like to work for you. You don't give her because it's Xmas.
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amother
Cornsilk
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Tue, Dec 20 2022, 11:46 am
| Fab4 wrote: | Yes, I'm from England and a box of chocolates is more than enough!
It's the gesture, and to say that you haven't forgotten her holidays.
They get happy with anything, it's literally the thought that counts. |
Phew! So interesting how different it is in America. I keep noticing differences. Also more people seems to be in therapy for something or other in usa. And they spend more on simchas..
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4g01o
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Tue, Dec 20 2022, 12:01 pm
| amother Cornsilk wrote: | | Phew! So interesting how different it is in America. I keep noticing differences. Also more people seems to be in therapy for something or other in usa. And they spend more on simchas.. |
It's a different mentality there, but plenty people are in therapy here too. My bil is a therapist and he's really busy!
Everything costs more in America so hard to know re simchas. You get all types here as well. Those that spend, splurge etc. And those that make takana weddings.
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amother
Wheat
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Tue, Dec 20 2022, 1:55 pm
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Who do you give more to your cleaning lady or your child’s Rebbe?
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